Lost What I Didn't Deserve
20111102 @ Wednesday, November 02, 2011
“I tried to keep my spirits up, when there
was no point in breathing”
Losing Nick was a
tragedy that I could never comprehend. The pain, the grief, the guilt, the
thoughts, the memories were all too unbearable at that moment. There were only
7 people in the entire world, who really know what happened; Mel, Doctor Loi,
Victor, Rynn, Ban Ho, Mr. Shin and myself. I admit, I lied about what happened
and to those who I lied to, I am truly sorry.
One thing that piled on after this incident
was how my friends ‘abandoned’ me. It hurt to see the ones that I thought would
help me go through this, just walk away. I am grateful to Oli, Alya, Sonia and
Rebekah for just being there. I thought I would be able to get through it on my
own, I thought wrong. Although, Alya only found out a month or two later, yet
she understood the fact that saying “He wouldn’t want to see you this way”, “It
wasn’t your fault”, and “I’m sorry for you loss” never worked, at all. In fact,
as the time crept past slowly it started to become annoying.
“Don’t apologize; I lost what I didn’t
deserve.”
Mel and I used to
respond to their apologies, they would give us that look, the look that had
traces of pity, sympathy and sorry. Neither one of us needed that look. Our
response was rather sappy but it was the truth. It was hard, having to lie to
his closest friends; they’re probably going to kill me after reading this. I
know you guys should know the truth but he never wanted you to. I’m sorry.
I also am apologizing
to those friends, who somehow found out that I often went to the hospital; I’m
sorry that I had lied about being sick. I was sick, but that wasn’t the reason
why I went there. In my defense, he made
me do it; yet blaming that on him doesn’t make it right. Sorry.
I remember a few
friends whom started to reduce communicating with me, because apparently, I’m
too emo to hang out with. I didn’t mind most of them avoiding me, but there was
this one friend that told another friend of mine “She’s too emo to hang out
with lately”, something like that. That hurt.
To you, I’m sorry. I
am so sorry for faking a smile during school, knowing that he was in a coma.
I’m so sorry for making you feel that way and I apologize for being emo. I
thought, you out of all people would be one of the friends that would
understand. I’m sorry I was wrong.
If you think you have
figured out what really happened, I doubt you have. Just saying
The truth is I lost
someone I’ve known for a little more than 13 years.
The truth is he gave
me hope.
The truth is he meant
more to me than you can ever imagine.
The truth is I wish I
comforted him when he was going through difficult situations, instead of just ranting about my day.
The truth is I wish I
didn’t rant so much on how my day went, and asked him how his was.
The truth is I wish I
was there for him, as much as he was there for me.
The truth is even
though I continuously wished he stopped caring as much as he
did; there was a
part of me that wishes he would never stop.
The truth is I wish I
knew more about him.
The truth is I wish he
was still breathing.
The truth is I would
rather see him in a coma for the rest of my life, than to see him in a coffin.
The truth is as much
as I avoid the truth, he was the only person that made me feel loved.
The truth is that
sometimes, I wish that the friends who keep saying that it will be alright and
all that bullshit go through the exact thing as me.
The truth is there was
a time when I wished that all those people who think its okay, just went to
hell.
The truth is I think I
am close to clinical depression.
Fact is I am hitting
rock bottom.
Nick says “The only
way from escaping the torture of rock bottom is going up” and that is what I am
going to do.
To those
who have officially labeled me as the emo kid; to hell with you. I do
not need your opinion, thank you very much.
