Sleeping is like being dead without commitment.
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'96. I love books, music and Justin Bieber. May the odds be ever in your favor. x

560 - 49Days
20111228 @ Wednesday, December 28, 2011

People say that when you hurt someone, you'll always leave a scar. I've had scars on my hands  and right now, the scars can't be seen anymore. So for one moment, I believed that scars too, can heal. Right now, however, I believe that there'll always be a scar, even when you can't see it.
- Rianne Wong

Today, while I was chilling at Sunway Pyramid, as we were walking through the strangers there, a boy started dancing to the music that was playing - Love Story (Taylor Swift) and eventually it turned into a flashmob. All of us being the crazy people we are, decided to try and follow them, so we danced like jakuns but it couldn't have been any more fun. At the end of it all, a couple holding hands were walking through all these dancers and the guy turns to the girl and drops onto one knee with a ring in his hand, he waited for the song to end and proposed. The girl, obviously said yes I mean who wouldn't if a man would go to such an extent? Plus, he was fairly charming. Everyone started clapping, and then there was another song and the flashmobers flashmobbed again. Well, again we started attempting to follow them, the girl saw us laughed and pointed us out to the man. They both laughed and joined us. We later found out that the girl's sister, who was part of the mob, was a fan of Titanium. Not a big one, but she knew who they were and quote 'They take streetdancing to Elecoldxhot's level"
I wish I had my camera. It was one of those moments that you know the couple will never forget, even if they tried to.


In less than 4 days really, the year 2012 will be upon us. As usual, I am not one for resolutions much. I just aspire to be better. No specifics. No point having those specifics when I know I will eventually disregard them.
2012 is going to be another challenging year. Many changes in my life are in the works. I am not sure I am prepared for all the changes. All I know is that, ready or not, I will come to the bridge and I will have to cross it.
Am I looking forward to 2012? I am not sure. Perhaps I am. But like everything in life, it is the fear of the unknown that seems to spoil it for me.

 I will have to prepare. Prepare for the possibilities in the future. Bring it on, 2012!



How Much Longer?
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
I love because of you, I hurt because of you.

I want to sit in front of you and open myself up like an over read book. I want to be able to be honest with you and tell you everything that’s been steeping in my head, and in my heart for too long. But I can’t. I’m too afraid to get hurt, to discover the truth – the truth that probably differs from my own. So instead, I’ll sit down and spell out the words and feelings I’m too afraid to look you in the eyes and say.

We had an innocent chance encounter meeting. Nothing special, nothing too note worthy. Our friendly acquaintance banter soon turned into more and at one point I knew I had not only formed a new friendship but one worth enhancing. I don’t know what it was that tipped me off, but there was something – you were something. I wanted to know more about you, discover who you really were and become close with all that was you. It was easier for me to disguise my feelings at first because you were taken. You were with someone else and I knew the boundaries existed. I was not bothered, nor fazed. I had found myself in similar positions beforehand. You were someone else’s and I happily accepted this, I did. If anything, I was just happy to have you by my side as a friend.

Then one day, it was over. You had ended the relationship and you were available again. I had mixed emotions at first: I didn’t want to encroach on your newly single self, your confused mind and your vulnerable state. It wouldn’t be fair. You needed time and space and more importantly a dear friend to turn to, to rely on. I became that dear friend for you. I was more than happy to be her. I wanted to be the ears to your illogical words, the cushion for your irrational thoughts, the reassurance to your questionable doubts. I became all of the above and more – we became each other’s confidant, each other’s go-to, each others emergency call no matter the time of day. In no time we had become each other’s best friends in a new city where we were both strangers only a few months beforehand. Nothing seemed impossible now that I had you by my side. But somehow, even with all this, I wanted more. I wanted you but more than what I already had of you. I wanted our endearing friendship to grow into something else, to be something so much greater than what it already was. I wanted to be that girl that made you look back; that girl that made your heart skip an extra beat; that girl that you held a gaze with for a few seconds longer; that girl you would talk about long after she was gone. I wanted to be your girl but somehow couldn’t find a way to be. Instead, I sat back and listened to you talk about other girls. You would ask my opinion and I would muster up the courage to mask my true feelings and smile while I delivered the lines you wanted to hear. My face wore the brave mask so easily – too easily – while in fact my heart was painted with the true emotions of my yearning.

I tried to push aside all these feelings; tried to trick myself into thinking I was chasing after something that wasn’t worth the hunt. I kept telling myself it would be foolish of me to jeopardize the wonderful friendship we had formed in such a short span of time. I tried to ignore all the little things that made me fall for you in the first place, but in doing so I only grew fonder of you. I kept feeding nutrients to the starving feelings of desire.

And that’s where I still find myself – at a loss. I no longer know what to do, or how to go on. I’m too afraid to tell you with the risk of losing you, and I’m too afraid to let these feelings linger on. Regardless of the decision, I have a sense I will only hurt myself. I don’t know how much longer I can be with you without being with you. I don’t know how much longer I can go on sharing fun filled moments, endless laughter, and standstill time with you. I don’t know how much longer I can bear to look you in the eyes without reaching out to touch your lips; hug you without holding onto you for a little while longer; wake up next to you in bed without cuddling up to your welcoming side. I don’t know how much longer I can go on without me being your girl, you being my guy and us being that couple. I don’t know how much longer I can go on hiding these true feelings from you, remaining dishonest to your always-honest self. I don’t know how much longer I can go on crying true tears to an unknown audience. I don’t know how much longer I can keep on hurting when you have no idea of the pain I’m suffering.

So for now I'll continue to sit back, all the while paying the prices for falling in love with you, my best friend…
-Nicole Loher
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