Lost What I Didn't Deserve
20111102 @ Wednesday, November 02, 2011
“I tried to keep my spirits up, when there
was no point in breathing”
Losing Nick was a
tragedy that I could never comprehend. The pain, the grief, the guilt, the
thoughts, the memories were all too unbearable at that moment. There were only
7 people in the entire world, who really know what happened; Mel, Doctor Loi,
Victor, Rynn, Ban Ho, Mr. Shin and myself. I admit, I lied about what happened
and to those who I lied to, I am truly sorry.
One thing that piled on after this incident
was how my friends ‘abandoned’ me. It hurt to see the ones that I thought would
help me go through this, just walk away. I am grateful to Oli, Alya, Sonia and
Rebekah for just being there. I thought I would be able to get through it on my
own, I thought wrong. Although, Alya only found out a month or two later, yet
she understood the fact that saying “He wouldn’t want to see you this way”, “It
wasn’t your fault”, and “I’m sorry for you loss” never worked, at all. In fact,
as the time crept past slowly it started to become annoying.
“Don’t apologize; I lost what I didn’t
deserve.”
Mel and I used to
respond to their apologies, they would give us that look, the look that had
traces of pity, sympathy and sorry. Neither one of us needed that look. Our
response was rather sappy but it was the truth. It was hard, having to lie to
his closest friends; they’re probably going to kill me after reading this. I
know you guys should know the truth but he never wanted you to. I’m sorry.
I also am apologizing
to those friends, who somehow found out that I often went to the hospital; I’m
sorry that I had lied about being sick. I was sick, but that wasn’t the reason
why I went there. In my defense, he made
me do it; yet blaming that on him doesn’t make it right. Sorry.
I remember a few
friends whom started to reduce communicating with me, because apparently, I’m
too emo to hang out with. I didn’t mind most of them avoiding me, but there was
this one friend that told another friend of mine “She’s too emo to hang out
with lately”, something like that. That hurt.
To you, I’m sorry. I
am so sorry for faking a smile during school, knowing that he was in a coma.
I’m so sorry for making you feel that way and I apologize for being emo. I
thought, you out of all people would be one of the friends that would
understand. I’m sorry I was wrong.
If you think you have
figured out what really happened, I doubt you have. Just saying
The truth is I lost
someone I’ve known for a little more than 13 years.
The truth is he gave
me hope.
The truth is he meant
more to me than you can ever imagine.
The truth is I wish I
comforted him when he was going through difficult situations, instead of just ranting about my day.
The truth is I wish I
didn’t rant so much on how my day went, and asked him how his was.
The truth is I wish I
was there for him, as much as he was there for me.
The truth is even
though I continuously wished he stopped caring as much as he
did; there was a
part of me that wishes he would never stop.
The truth is I wish I
knew more about him.
The truth is I wish he
was still breathing.
The truth is I would
rather see him in a coma for the rest of my life, than to see him in a coffin.
The truth is as much
as I avoid the truth, he was the only person that made me feel loved.
The truth is that
sometimes, I wish that the friends who keep saying that it will be alright and
all that bullshit go through the exact thing as me.
The truth is there was
a time when I wished that all those people who think its okay, just went to
hell.
The truth is I think I
am close to clinical depression.
Fact is I am hitting
rock bottom.
Nick says “The only
way from escaping the torture of rock bottom is going up” and that is what I am
going to do.
To those
who have officially labeled me as the emo kid; to hell with you. I do
not need your opinion, thank you very much.
Planet Shakers
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
“I can’t find your heart;
cloudy amongst those worn out memories”
Planetshakers; a
Christian rock band.
Yes, I usually do not
speak about religion on my blog, but heck I am going to start to, so if you’re
not up to reading about my spiritual life, go ahead and read other posts. I
find it rather odd, that I’ve never written anything regarding my religion here
considering the fact that I am the daughter of a priest. Odd, isn’t it?
I went for this
Christian band’s concert and I believe I’ve heard of them but I doubt I’ve ever
listened to any of their songs. It was in PJEFC. They had a 7.30 show and due
to the fact that 1,800 people RSVP’d for it and there were only 1,300 seats
available, they decided to have a 4pm show too. I went for the 4pm show, and a
good 600-800 people came, mostly youth. It would be rather astonishing seeing a
group of old older people
rocking out to this genre of Christian music, since y’know they’re always so
‘traditional’. The show was supposed to start at 4pm, but the doors only opened
at around 4.45pm. Rebekah and I arrived at the hall at around 3.50pm, so it was
a rather long wait. It was only the 2 of us out of the youths in my church, so
it was a little boring until we bumped into Rebekah’s cousin. She was part of
the organizing committee, so we learnt that they were having a technical error.
At around 4.25pm, we heard the band play inside the hall, naturally everyone
was thinking “okay, so the technical error is over. Shouldn’t they be opening
the doors?”Whilst I was thinking “Why in the world are they only practicing
now?!”
I soon began to
realize that the ground was vibrating; it was a scary yet exciting realization.
Hence my tweet, “Planetshakers rock so hard that the building is vibrating, and
we’re not even inside yet”. My first thought was, “Oh shit, the floor’s
vibrating. We’re going to die” but that didn’t happen.
We were let in and
they had a countdown to when the Planetshakers were going to start rocking,
although it was about 45 seconds, it felt like eternity. Screams filled the
auditorium as the band picked up their instruments and greeted us. At the
beginning of the first song, most of us were jumping and rocking out in our
seats, I doubt we were even in the middle of the first song when nearly everyone
ran to the front of the stage. Rebekah and I remained jumping in front of our
seats, and only after 3 songs we joined the crowd. It was an experience that I
probably won’t forget in the near future; rocking out to Christian music, more
of rocking out to Planetshakers.
Matt Fielder was the
guest speaker of this concert and let me tell you he is probably the best
speaker I’ve ever heard. Ever.
“Going to church every Sunday,
does not make you a christian, just like how sitting in your garage, does not
make you a car”
It was during his sermon
that I soon realized how much I’ve drifted away from God and how much I lack
belief lately. His talk nearly made me cry. I did notice a few people cry…
Anyway, one of the
things that hit all of us was when he said that “Every human has 2 needs, the
need to love and to be loved”. I admit, it’s true.
As he ended he made us
all bow our heads and close our eyes to pray, and later he asked us to stay
like that and he requested for the people who would like to let God into your
heart no matter if it’s the first time or if you’ve drifted away and you need
some help coming back to Him, to slowly raise your hand. I contemplated with
myself whether I should or not, and then I thought “Why in the world do I care,
if I’m the only one raising my hand?” and I raised my hand. I later noticed
that Rebekah did too. Matt then asked us to put our hands down and he asked all
of us to stand up to pray, we prayed a short prayer and then he asked the
people who raised their hand to go to the front, if they had the courage. At
first only 5 people went forward, Rebekah and I joined in and later as he kept
requesting about 30 more came forward. The band played a song and as they were
playing even more came forward. (After following him on Twitter, he said that a
total of 96 people came forward)
He said this pray and
got us to repeat after him, so we did so and then the band played a few more
songs as the ones who came forward were led into a room outside the auditorium
to fill up a form, I have no idea why. By the time, we got back the concert was
over, but I don’t think any of us regretted that decision. I bought a
Planetshakers t-shirt :D
As we exited I bumped
into Celine Yap, so I reached out to hug her, but there were many people
between us, so it was a lost cause. I also saw Benroy Yap as we were waiting
around, he seemed to be quite ‘sesated’ and he was walking pretty fast, looking
for Celine, I think, so I just left him alone. Rebekah and I went outside and
sat on the curb waiting for her dad, and that’s when out of nowhere some perky
voice shouted my name. I looked up and saw Hui Wei and Amanda. It was a
pleasant surprise, I later say Jackson and Mel.
It’s pretty obvious,
that Planetshakers isn’t as unknown as I thought.
So tomorrow, Rebekah
and I are going for their Praise and Worship at Kingdom City, KL.
Enjoy the pictures and videos :)
-12:33 am, Sunday
morning.
Carpe Diem and Press On
Seen guys do bubble pop?
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
These dudes are on fire! :) love em to itty bitty pieces :D
KARA - STEP (COLLAB DANCE COVER) iiamxmee & cloudstrife718
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
Colin... dangerous grounds man....
The Unexpected
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
“We
took the joys beside the pain, with not much to lose but so much to gain”
A lesson I learnt
today is to never judge a book by its
cover. Today was rather sore, Jia
Yi talked to me and she was saying how hurt she was and the fact that a certain
friend of hers seemed to be a stranger. It isn’t the friend you think it is.
Surprisingly, I
realized that if she hadn’t told me I would have just continued to think that
there was nothing wrong with their friendship, and just let her be. I felt so
sorry for her; she almost cried telling me about this void that her friend left
in her. Just then, I realized that I was going through the same thing. So in my
attempt to make her laugh, I told her that I’m experiencing that with 3 people
and then she ‘Woah-ed’ and we high fived. I said that I felt like my friendship
with those specific people was like a love story, the one where only 1 of the 2
was missing the other. She laughed and high fived me… again.
I saw a side of Jia Yi
that I never knew existed. I think we talked for what seemed like an hour or
more. We started laughing at the fact that if someone was crying, I would feel
so awkward that I would just sit or stand there like some kind of lamp post.
Then she asked me an
odd question “What do you see in Chinese people? I don’t see you hang around
with Indians often.”
My reaction was . . .
“I don’t know. I hang around with everyone.”
But really, I knew
why. I’m not trying to say anything about Indians, because not only Indians do
it.
I never liked hanging
around people who speak in their own language just so they can say something to
one of their friends without you knowing what it is. I have been in positions
when I would be loafing in a group of Indians or Chinese people and all of a
sudden they would start speaking and laughing with each other in Tamil or
Cantonese, assuming that I didn’t understand what they were saying. It was one
of my sore points in Titanium, and my childhood.
The annoying part was
sometimes they would be talking about me. I remember pretending to not
understand just so they would continue talking and once I was bored with them I
would go to my other friends.
I specifically
remember this one time, during a dance camp that my friends forced me into
going for. There was this group of Chinese friends we made, and during one of
the breaks between rehearsals, they started talking about me in Cantonese. One
of the girls in the group that had started the entire gossip session was one of
these girls that I later realized just wanted to fit in. After about an hour of
pretending that I didn’t understand their gossip about me and just starring at
the tiles on the floor, I stood up and started talking to them in Cantonese
saying that if they thought all this while, I never understood what they were
saying, they were wrong. I told them how I understood everything they were
saying and put up with their gossip for the past 5 days and that I couldn’t
take it anymore. I can never forget the look on their faces. I haven’t spoken
to most of them since. I occasionally go out with the ones that later
apologized, the ones that apologized were the ones that didn’t say anything…
they just listened, so it was easy to forgive them.
This has happened with
Indians speaking in Tamil. Only I never could speak in Tamil, so I just sent
them colorful words in English. Good ol’ English.
Those were the days when my Cantonese was
fluent. Now, I’ve practically
forgotten most of it. Yet, people seem to forget that.
Jia Yi said that her
friend continuously seemed to forget that she was there and would constantly
speak to her other friends in her mother tongue knowing that Jia Yi didn’t
understand. She asked me if I’ve gone through such a thing…
I nodded then told her
about a recent incident. There was a day when I was sitting in one of the empty
classrooms with a few friends and one of them, I guess you could say we were
somewhat close started to speak to a few others in Cantonese or Mandarin, I
don’t remember which one it was. I found it funny that she forgot I understood
what she was saying, so later when she was telling me how one of the other
girls there did something, I told her that I knew. She asked how? Then I told
her that I heard her telling the others in Cantonese. Her expression changed,
not only was there embarrassment but there was a slight hint of what I like to
call “How could I be so stupid?”
Those moments are
priceless.
Carpe Diem and Press On
The Missing Machine
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
There's a folder of pictures I can't open.
There's so many songs that don't sound the same.
There's a number I can't dial and a message I can't send.
There's a restaurant I can't eat at, not with any friends.
There's words and names I can only say in my head.
There's a pair of eyes that belong to you, that I can never look into again.
Nick & Colin
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
Ahhhh! Meet my cousins... dance geniuses.They so cute here... homagad I just want to bite them.EEeeeeee