#596 - Sudden clarity.
20120121 @ Saturday, January 21, 2012
"We reach a point where, in order to go on, we have to wipe the slate clean. We start to see ourselves as a box that we're trapped inside and no matter how we try and escape, self help, therapy, drugs, we just sink further and further down. The only way to truly break out of the box is to get rid of it all together... I mean, you built it in the first place. If the people around you are breaking your spirit, who needs them? Your wife who pretends to love you, your son who can't even stand you. I mean, put them out of their misery. Starting over isn't crazy. Crazy is being miserable and walking around half asleep, numb, day after day after day. Crazy is pretending to be happy. Pretending that the way things are is the way they have to be for the rest of your bleeding life. All the potential, hope, all that joy, feeling, all that passion that life has sucked out of you. Reach out, grab a hold of it and snatch it back from that bloodsucking rabble. "
I'm not okay, not at all, the truth is, I'm missing something. The thing I loved the most, the face I wish were in the front row right now, the brother I'll never get back. So what do I do with that? What do any of us do? Besides lie. This is what I believe, right now, in this auditorium, there is someone who is with you, someone who is willing to pick you up, dust you off, kiss you, forgive you, put up with you, wait for you, carry you, love you. So while everything may not be okay, one thing I know is true, you do not have to be alone.
Ever since the 27th of July last year, I've numbed myself. I numbed myself and put all emotion on pause. I put on an act of actually feeling emotion, for instance I fake cried, I faked grief, and I now realize that my acting skills are pretty darn good. He told me once when we were talking about his brother, he said "Sometimes you get to a point of depression when you just stop feeling it. You stop feeling anything. It's hard to go back from there." It's funny how I can remember most of the things he used to say, and just replay the way he says it in my head. It's funny how I know I miss him, yet I just can't feel it. Now, I'm trying to un-pause that but I'm failing. People say it's cause I haven't accepted what happened, fact is I haven't. I'm trying to but I haven't sully accepted it. I have moments of sudden clarity, like today. I went to an auditorium with a few friends to watch dancers street dance on a stage. A moment of sudden clarity.
I went to watch a movie with mum titled, The Beaver. One of the best movies I've seen. Sudden clarity.
I only realize now that these moments, are just moments. After about 10 minutes of sudden clarity, I just go back to being numb.
Is it even possible to un-numb myself again?
#595 - Sirens and Silhouettes
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Please show your support for the Interact Club of Sri Aman's project to raise awareness for suicide prevention : Sirens for Silhouettes. Take a picture of yourself, your friends, your parents, your dog, cat or goldfish with a sign saying "It Gets Better" then email it to me. We'll include your photos in the video we're compiling for the event which we'll post online AND play during the event itself! Please show your support. Thank you and Viva la Interact =)
