It doesn't matter really what I got. PMR is over, its just over. Congrats all those who got straight A's, extremely proud of you. Those who didn't, well who gives a toss... SPM is the real deal, PMR is like the easter bunny.

Anyway, today was rather hard to swallow...despite the fact that I'm sick and my whole face feels like its on fire, and I have a stupid bandage thing on my shoulder. Today could be my last day in SA as a students and that truthfully kind of scares me. So I took in everything, the emotions, the joy, the freaking out and the lack of emotion. I found it rather refreshing. I guess you could say I've changed. I definitely have, over the year it was a slow and excruciating process but it happened and I'm glad it happened because it made me stronger, I now know who my friends really are or were and I know my weakness. I know that one person who can bring me to my knees. It's sad I guess knowing that I'd never be who I once was or who I once wished I was but that's reality and i think it's pretty much time for me to face that.

So I've decided that no matter how hard it is going to be for me to say goodbye to the people here. I'm going to, when the time comes. I will say goodbye, only to the people who care enough to know when I leave. If they don't suits them. I don't mind. I'm just tired of being that doormat that I once was and it took me forever to realize it. I'm tired of being that person who's only wanted when they're needed. It's fine if you need me. I'll be there, just don't expect me to keep running back to you each and every time you call. I'm sick of it.

I had a friend, whom I would say I lost this year. She used to be in love with my brother, not Ian of course. She would tell me all these things, and as the studying started to kick in, our friendship started to fade until one day we decided we would skip Cross Country practice, and we just sat back on the steps of the Form3 block and we started to talk. At one moment, she told me that I was one of her closest friends. I felt the same way, but it didn't matter to me at that time if I said that to her because I have so many friends that I would consider close and she knows that. Now I regret not saying that to her. I saw her today as she was taking her results and I don't know what she got but I hope she did well. We didn't talk. at all. I wanted to but she kept disappearing. Funny I guess, cause I know she saw me cause I looked straight into her eyes but if she doesn't want to talk, it's fine. She was one of my close friends, and I don't know what I did to make her feel the way she does about me, but anyway it doesn't really matter. I remember how we talked about the fact that if she has a problem with me, she should talk to me and she said likewise but I guess it was just hard on her. I just wanted her to know that I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling.. again. I'm just tired, extremely tired of the friends I have that just drift in and out. Yesterday I was watching Rynn and this girl as they were sitting on the roadside and laughing. It was nice finally seeing the guy smile like he used to. He stopped doing that, we all did. All of us just put up this mask to hide everything. Last night, he took it off. He'd done so much for me, and it hurt to know that I had hurt him so much. Everyone concentrated so much on me and Nick and just stabilizing their own grief, no one saw how Rynn was hurting deeply. Rynn's brother was recently diagnosed to be Autistic. No one seemed to notice that until he told me about a week ago. Everyone's slowly peeling their masks off, and I am truly happy for them. I've always known they'd do it sometime soon, they were all just so strong and they're stronger now because they all have each other and they know that. Leaving, I thought would be much easier now... but it's not. It really isn't. I am going to be leaving the life I built here, only to go to one that I have yet to build. Sure I'll still have Facebook and social networking sites to stay in touch, but that's not it. It's the fact that if something happens, I would have no one to run to there and that, that kind of scares me.

Last night was emotional I guess. It took me to the darkest place in me, and in that place I'm most vulnerable, and sitting in my room at 1am looking out the window at one of my close friends, I realized that I don't mind going there. I want to, I don't want to keep hurting these people, because each time they see me, they expect to see him standing behind me but he isn't here anymore to do that. It's going to be hard leaving him here. It's going to be unbearable but he'd want me to. He'd say that I need to move on and he'll still be right there waiting standing right next to Grandma somewhere up in heaven. He'd tell me that it'd be alright, and that I wouldn't need to worry about him anymore. After all he could take care of himself, he's been doing that all these years and then he'd remind me of the day during DYC when we walked to the football field and just lay there to look at the stars. It was rather cliché, I admit but it was one of my best memories of him. He knew about the day that would come when we wouldn't be able to keep the friendship we had as strong as it was then, and he told me that his twin brother had told him when he was going in for surgery that if any time he needed him all he had to do was look at the stars.
He told me that if ever there was a time when I needed him and he wasn't available, I just had to look at the stars. So that's what I did at that moment, it was special.
5 minutes later, after silent pondering he admitted that his twin had always been a sucker for Nicholas Sparks. His twin never survived that surgery, but it was a sacrifice that he was willing to make. Nick didn't have enough blood in him and he wasn't strong enough to survive that accident when he was younger, and his twin gave his life for Nick. Both his parents died that day in that accident and his twin a week later.
I'm done lying about him and his past. It's time people got to know the real him, and how truly special he was to me.