Fragments
20111108 @ Tuesday, November 08, 2011
My mind is loose change jingling in his back pocket.
I am divided.
Coins here, and coins there; scattered over the floor, the kitchen bench, travelling with him to and from work, click-clicking quietly to the rythm of his walk.
He's away again tonight and the thunder growls, angry at me for being so lonesome, so dependent.
The rain falls harder than usual; angry at me, too.
Telling me to put myself back together. To collect the coins I've scattered everywhere,to lock them safe in a silky draw-string bag, save them until they melt back together again into a lump of gold and silver.
There are no pixies dancing on the roof tonight; no soft pitter-patter of fairies skipping and holding hands, whispering and singing me softly to sleep.
There are only demons jumping hard, stomping, trying to break through the tiles and through the wood and brick, to slide into my dreams and taunt me.
Jeering faces of elves with wide, black eyes; grins that melt into a nightmare and eyebrows that furrow deep into my soul.
I wonder if I'm mad.
Crazy.
I wonder if there was ever a sanity that I could hold to; claim.
If I dropped it somewhere along the way, and it's been trodden on, walked over, pushed into the dirt under the crunch of tires and feet and if there's a layer of grass covering that little treasure now; long lost, long gone.
I wonder if I draw a map and mark it with an X, if I'll ever find it again.
It's tomorrow, now.
Today's sins have been washed from my hands; dirt swirling down the drain in a blur of soap suds, hot water, and dirt. But I haven't slept, and I haven't forgotten.
I don't forget. I can't.
I take note of everything I've done wrong, each corner I've taken while the map marks straight ahead.
Each smile I've forgotten and each laugh that has escaped while the air sits heavily, declaring nothing but sadness.
You read my words and I feel sad; I feel sad that I slip this sadness into your lives, that I steal a smile you need, and it slides away into the air and disperses; forgotten.
I wish I could forget.
I want to cry, but the sky is crying and the thunder is grumbling and the wind is howling and the air is screaming, and it's all too much sadness for me and for you.
Perhaps I'll collect those coins in my dreams tonight, and I'll polish them with the tears of the rain and I'll make something beautiful from such an angry night.
You're all too beautiful for me to bear
