#635
20120317 @ Saturday, March 17, 2012
What happens when you find out that you probably only get to see one of your closest friends only once a year, or not even at all? You wish her the best and you tell her that God has a purpose for her there. You also tell her that there's always Facebook, Twitter, Skype and Tumblr to keep in touch, and then there's the letters we send each other. Actually, this was what I said :Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum
"Well, all wants aside. God probably has a job for you there, perhaps that's why you're sent there. It's a good experience
I guess maybe it's cause everyone says don't go, including myself that we lose sight of what good might lay there for you."
Though you may miss your friends and KL, you'll get new ones and that's a good thing. It might just give you a better perspective of things, and who knows you might just find your hubby there
We can all always keep in touch through Skype. My mum's bestfriend went to Australia when they were 15 and they kept in touch through email and letters, they're as close now as they were then. With the technology now, I bet you can still keep in touch with your friends. It may be a different kind of relationship but it shows who really were your friends.
It's impeccably sad that I don't get to see her until Christmas or maybe even next year. Well it doesn't matter, she'll survive it.
#634
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Colin and Nicholas
20120316 @ Friday, March 16, 2012
HAHAHAAHA They try and promote 2NE1 in Chinese lol
#632
20120314 @ Wednesday, March 14, 2012
from The Thirteenth Tale by Diane Setterfield
This past week has been ...interesting. Interesting is probably not the right term for it, but my brain seizes to find the right word for me. Monday was a holiday - Home Study Day/Student Free Day. Yes, we get a holiday for being a student over here. Tuesday, hmmm well we got our permission slips for our Social with Trinity. The train service had stopped due to some fire or something, so half the school didn't show up till after 2nd period or later. Everyone claims it's the day that Perth stood still, which I really don't understand; the only thing that happened was that the train service stopped. We had Media that day, and it was one of our last classes to finish our assignment, Olivia wasn't there cause she was sick and she was team leader. The team leader of MJOC. Claire was late due to the train service thing. So it was only Jasmine and I at the begining of the lesson, which was pretty interesting if I might say so myself. She is a character ; fun person to be around. Well during the first half of Media, Jasmine and I recorded the voice overs for our Sand Advertisement, after doing so we started trying to crush an invincible lollipop. No joke, the lollipop really was invincible, we started with throwing it on the ground, stepping/stomping on it, standing on it, throwing it against the wall = didn't work. Then we tried putting it under the foot of a table and getting Jasmine to sit on it, then I joined her = didn't work. I came up with the genius plan of putting it against the door frame and using the door to smash it. I used the door leading into Mr.Belshore's room, as I was trying to smash this lollipop with the door, Mr Belshore enters his room and just stares at me. I stared at him and slowly closed the door, trying to blend into the room I was in. Jasmine and me started laughing like Hyenas, she said my reaction was just hilarious. Jasmine tried turning into Humongosaur ( Ben 10) with her Omnitrix and tried crushing it = failed. Then she tried staring it = also failed. She then decided that she would go outside and throw it down - our Media class is on the 3rd floor. Even that failed. Claire had to pick it up on her way up, and then it someone crushed it and gave it back to her. It was interesting. We then realized that the voice recorder we were carrying around was recording, we played it back on the computer and all of us laughed when we realized that I sound like some kind of dude. Today, we got our Math test marks back 40/50 was what I got, and I was just like - I'm sorry Miss Foley, I think you might have been mistaken, but she was insistent that it was my paper. I danced all the way home. Okay not really. MJOC is going to Olivia's house tomorrow to finish the filming for our Media assignment. I've got a Science, English and S&E test coming up. I really need to watch Edward Scissorhands, or I might just fail English. On Friday we go Bowling with the Trinity boys, Jasmine is trying to set me up with her friend Malcolm (God save me). Hope she forgets. Today Hannah, Chyan, Rita, Claire and I were talking and Hannah started talking about this dance group that Nick was familiar with and so I told her about Nick. Funny how when she asked me "What's he doing now? Still dancing?" I just go "Oh. He's dead" very flatly and then after a moment of silence, I start laughing. Hannah asked how, and I explained the portions that I was absolutely certain of. The rest, well lets just let it float in the sea of the unknown for a while.
My wrist has been hurting for the past few days, it's swollen at some portions. Mum says that she might have to take me to a doctor if it gets worse. She says that I might have arthritis because my bones have been giving me some pains recently. Especially my back bone - when I sneeze. Doesn't matter though, hopefully it gets better. It's affected my fingers, I think it's due to the stab mark on my right arm because I am pretty sure that when it pierced my skin it, it hit my bone.
Doesn't matter though.
I keep thinking today is Thursday and tomorrow's Friday. I shall now retire to my bed :)
Oh and guess what?! I got mail! :)
My wrist has been hurting for the past few days, it's swollen at some portions. Mum says that she might have to take me to a doctor if it gets worse. She says that I might have arthritis because my bones have been giving me some pains recently. Especially my back bone - when I sneeze. Doesn't matter though, hopefully it gets better. It's affected my fingers, I think it's due to the stab mark on my right arm because I am pretty sure that when it pierced my skin it, it hit my bone.
Doesn't matter though.
I keep thinking today is Thursday and tomorrow's Friday. I shall now retire to my bed :)
Oh and guess what?! I got mail! :)
#631
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Get up. Go to the mirror. Look yourself in the eye. And tell yourself how beautiful you are. How confident you are. How filled with love you are. How possible everything is. How wonderful the world will be today. Because it is. And you are.
20120311 @ Sunday, March 11, 2012
Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?” And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”
- Isaiah 6:8
KONY 2012
20120307 @ Wednesday, March 07, 2012
#628
20120306 @ Tuesday, March 06, 2012
And yet, when you get here, you are not given instructions. No one tells you that heart A is meant to slot into heart B. There are no diagrams about how you are meant to live each day or directions on how to assemble some semblance of happiness. You are not even told what colours to paint your feelings or, given a purpose and a reason for your life.
You have to make all of it up. You have to make all of it, yourself.
Today:
- My Rel Ed teacher is one scary tall lady.
- Jasmine + Olivia are the most hilarious people to be around.
- I wore my swim-pants underneath my uniform for PE and only realized that I forgot to pack me undies after PE. Thank God, it was the 2nd last period today, so I wore my swim-pants and got on a bus with a wet bum.
- Forgot to take my English books out of my locker, didn't have time to go get it. Thankfully Mr.Slo is a nice man!
- I got off at the wrong bus stop, therefore had to walk all the way home, in killer leather shoes.
Then I managed to Skype Appu, and Daniel annai which was really nice. It's nice being able to talk to family. I have a Math test tomorrow, and English homework to do. I have to also remember to wear my underwear tomorrow - Yes I'm a very open person. Rita, is probably the prettiest Korean, Russian speaking girl I have ever met. Cheers to you!
I mean I would date her. Anyone would date her. She's that beautiful. Kendrick is just asdfghjkl adorable, he says worship songs makes him feel better and that just escalated his adorable-ness. Thanks for being there bro! And also thanks to Rebekah, Cynta and Esther oh and Maddy for being there too. It's going to be a horrendously rough couple of weeks, it's nice to know that I have people there that I'm able to vent out to. It's time for me to attempt going to bed. Goodnight.
P/s : Good luck to those who're sitting tests/exams tomorrow especially the ones sitting History or S&E papers. You're going to need it. Let this image keep you going! :)
I'm in need of a life.
#627
20120305 @ Monday, March 05, 2012
Dear Girl nursing a broken heart,
“Sometimes you just have to erase the messages, delete the numbers and move on. You don’t have to forget who that person was to you; only accept that they aren’t that person anymore.”
You know world over, genders alike, there is one disease that is slyly killing vulnerable souls even of the strongest of exteriors-heart breaks. The higher brains need to develop some vaccinations or immunity from heartaches instead of spending time, resources and intelligence on things like bacteria and atoms. Meh! The world is equipped to handle itself-we collapse miserably when it comes to managing the inner void, desires and unrequited love.
Everyone may smugly think they are above it-no sir, you are not and definitely not you ma’am. You mistake tumbling for love and you've just not fallen still how you should. We all are likely to get enslaved, with or without our knowledge or permission. The higher you fall in fantasy of someone, the lower you sink in depths of despair after having lost him or her. Love in the extremes is really what and how love should be and hence the most difficult to bear by your insides whichever side the see-saw dips. Even when at its brightest and most passionate, it burns you yet with restlessness!
It is not the moving on part which is difficult-it is the fact that you keep turning back to see if there are any remnants of what you sowed or has the harvest been burnt beyond recognition. You can close your eyes to the things you don’t want to see but how does one close the heart to stop it from feeling what you don’t want to? Yes, it is that tough and you are not alone my pretty one in feeling thus.
It is sad when the people you know become the people you knew. It is not so impossible to comprehend the bafflement of how you spend hours with someone discussing life as though he was a fabric of it and suddenly he gets covered in a veil that you find difficult to pierce through or reach out to, however you squint your eyes and fuck your brains for it. With every deep breath you take to puff yourself up with courage, you know something inside always crumbles. You wait for him to realize what he gave up on and repent while the wait slowly withers you within.
Love is like that-sweetest when it is lifting you up and cruellest when it throws you with a thud. You wish he chokes on the words when he says “I love you” to another girl. What makes you most generous, can very well turn you most heartless-for it robs you of all emotions. And when someone leaves without a reason, it becomes a sore point and pull for life, a point of no return.
People say that the most painful thing in love is losing someone whom you loved; not really-the painful part begins when you realize that you lost yourself in the process. The ache culminates into anger, frustration, regret and hopelessness borne out of the doubt and that tormenting, looming question-why did you allow yourself and your happiness to be dependent on one person?
Love stories that do not wrap up in a “happily ever after” are the strongest. It is perhaps because they leave us with many ‘what-ifs’ that you turn and toss over despite being on the most comfortable of beds that life may offer. We crave to hear the truth...Was that the truth when you said you loved me as if there was no other human filling up the earth or is this the truth when you choose to look through me like I am unwanted or non-existent?
Girl, do you hear Beyonce play in the backdrop while I talk to you? “You are the only one I wish I could forget and the only one I love to not forgive. You’re everything I thought you never were and nothing like I thought you could have been....” Beyonce is a wise girl. Love can make or break, give or take, mourn and elate. Such an oxymoron!
So now that you are ruined, how do you help you? Talking does the trick-not to someone else per se but to yourself. The brain may be the smartest of all organs but silliest when it comes to being convinced and especially of an argument born in itself. Cry a river-build a bridge-get over it. Tears perhaps were watery by default for a reason-they cleanse as they drain. Don't fight them, don't resist the closure for therein might lie the key. Let him know how you feel now-for if he wanted to hear how you felt when he tingled your body with mere words, he ought to know how he makes it shudder too.
You have to remind yourself that he may continue to live in your heart but there was no way, he could have lived in your life. And until you are broken, you don’t know what you are made of. Collect the pieces and start as a whole again. Try not to remember half the things you will never forget. The best way to ensure you don’t go treading back on his path again, is to erase the footprints you walked along with and uproot the milestones that lure you to digress again.
It is often seen that people jump into one relationship from another. It is not because they are fickle-it is the best way to nurse the wound of the organ which was meant to just pump blood but does everything unspecified instead. A new muse for the broken heart is as necessary as new strings for a guitar that loses its rhythm. It helps you to not keep running back to the one person you need to walk away from.
So keep the mind alert and heart open to allow the one who suits your fancy again but be patient for comparisons would set in and it would be a while before you find someone interesting again. But then you will-that’s how we are conceptualized. You tend to find things that attract you and the things that attract you tend to somehow reach to you.
Also vomit the anger and pain on someone who is ready to take that shit from you-there always is. Be proud of every blow made at your heart for it left you with lessons that made you stronger and wiser for future. And remember you can never make the same mistake twice, the next time it will show a choice. You can never be “just good friends” with someone you loved once-the feelings fade with time or injury, but they never die if they truly lived when they did. So don’t look to be friends, accept the anonymity.
Realize that what is dead must be buried before it deforms to something ghastly. Realize that you can live without him-his first mistake was leaving you and then now, allowing you to bring to fruition that you can live without him. The very people who said they would never hurt you are the very those who take your heart to task. Guard yourself and your self respect. Don’t dismiss it in the name of pride-respect it in the name of your individuality. Anything that does not make us happy has no right to live even in the periphery of our existence.
It will hurt for a first few weeks, maybe even months but then life moves on, love learns to unlearn and heart aspires to mend and fend for itself again.
I know dear girl, it seems the end of the world for you fear you won’t find anyone this perfect again. His perfection was an illusion-a pedestal where YOU raised him to for nobody is perfect and that’s what he should become-a nobody. Learn to unlearn, grieve to rejoice, rise again to stamp down-chin up and smile to scare the doubts away and drag yourself out of the bottomless pit. There are many who deserve you in all your glory so gather it before you lose the sunshine.
And then keep the faith-Love does not hurt, lovers do.
Take care and heal fast,
Yours lovingly,
Been there, seen that.
[mytumblingthoughts]
#626
20120228 @ Tuesday, February 28, 2012
"Don’t you say Hello again, because I don’t have the strength to say Goodbye anymore. I’ll learn to embrace the cold that you threw towards me and let it to melt away the warmness in my heart instead. I’ll learn to accept the fact that your words doesn’t speak about me anymore. From now onwards, I will learn to cross the road without you holding my hand tightly, stopping me whenever I impatiently trying to get to the other side of the road.When our favourite songs played in the radio, I’ll try to ignore the memories that came toiling behind those lyrics. When it comes to taking a bite of my favourite cheese burger, I’ll remember that you won’t be there to gently wipe away the mustard on the corner of my lips what’s more to keep me accompany for lunch. And so I’ll learn how to eat properly and alone next time. Somewhere along the way, if a stranger smiles, I’ll try to fast forward your never ending smile that could make me to leave the whole world behind just for that.When the sunshine greets me, I’ll remember not to hope for a warm morning hug from behind my back. I'll even forget the morning coffees on the porch,the chocolate sundae in the drizzling rain.When the evening falls, I’ll make sure the windows and doors locked because it’s just me and the four walls tonight. I’ll try not to run towards the door anxiously whenever the door bell rang because it seemed that you have lost the track to my home.I’ll try to hide my disappointment whenever I mistaken a stranger for you at a departmental store because he look so much like you or maybe because I’ve just known only you all my life.And yes now we have come to a crossroad that leads to different paths. I’m taking this side, and you’re taking that one. Don’t choose the same path as mine anymore. No,this time I don’t want to travel with someone who used to let my hands off in the middle of a journey.It’s going to be a new journey, its going to be a lonely ride without you but somehow I can sense some freedom, a new breath and a new life, a new beginning that follows after a hopeless ending.Here I am,destiny had brought me to the final page of the book and to my own dismay this book doesn’t deserve a second read.I'll bring it back to the shelves,let the pile of dust hide it away from my sight forever."
-Shakespear
Maybe it's cause you're so used to familiarity that being in a new enviroment scares you? Or maybe you're just scarecd of rejection? Perhaps that's why you've been so off with me. To tell you the truth, I'm just making up excuses knowing that you're going to read this so that I don't have to face the truth. The truth of knowing that maybe this is how it's going to be like - the awkard hellos and thankful goodbyes. The deafening silence in between, and once we've gone our separate ways - that feeling of knowing that either one of us was about to say something that might just end these awkward hellos and the deeafening silence, and perhaps because of that one line we might wish to never say goodbye. That's what I think, each time we talk, skype, tweet etc, especially when it comes to Skyping, because you'd be telling me that there's something important you need to say and you'd force me on Skype, then you'd rant on but I wouldn't understand and all of a sudden you stop and then it's just silence. I'd say I'm used to that silence, but I do miss the talking too! You've always been that listener to me, and vice versa. You'd always remind that if I ever had a 4am crisis, none of the people in my phonebook or most of the Facebook friends wouldn't come to my rescue. There'd just be you and 4 others.
I'd keep denying that, but you'd never have any of it. After some reflection, I've started to think that perhaps you might be right. Perhaps.
On another note. I start school at Mercedes tomorrow. The interview yesterday was quite alright. The headmistress kept switching from fun to serious, and that made me feel like I wouldn't get a spot, but then she said "It'd be stupid of me, not to offer you a spot here, Maria" and I was just jaw-dropped. No one's said anything like that to me, especially no the headmistress of one of the best privatte schools in WA. I had to choose 8periods of electives, and so the headmistress - Mrs. Barber went through it with me. I took Media, Forensic Science, Criminal Law and Food & Nutrition. I really didn't want Food and Nutrition, I wanted Hospitality cause it was my bbest choice in that line. It was full up. She told me though, that if anyone changes out of it, then she'd let me know. I bought the uniforms today, summer is some tacky dress thing that I'll get used to. It's green! Winter is a shirt, blazer and skirt. So I much prefer the Winter uniform but whatever. I'm in McDonald - Red house. So that's pretty cool, all the nice teachers are there. The interschool Swimming Competition is tomorrow, I'm not taking part this year, but am guranteed a spot next year. I've got to train up!
That's pretty much all I've got to say for now. Rebekah's posted her letter, haven't received it yet but then it should come in a couple of days. I'd have to take the public bus to school, but I'll only start doing that when I figure the routes out, and get my Student Card.
#625
20120225 @ Saturday, February 25, 2012
Interview's on Monday, it's inching closer and closer. A little nervous, I might say. Alright then, mom's leaving.
#624
20120223 @ Thursday, February 23, 2012
...I silently wish each and everytime I look up that one day I'd see them again. One day. I wish that maybe one of these days, as I walk down to the bus stop or even to Coles, that perhaps I'll hear those familiar sounding footsteps walking behind me. I'd dismiss the thought of it ever being him, and I'd continue heading to my destination. Maybe that day whilst I'm at the self-service cashier place, that perhaps someone will tap my shoulder and I'll turn around to see him, in the flesh. Him, the one whose closer to me than my family, closer to me than any friend I've had. The boy I've known since I was 3, the boy who continuosly lied about his past, only to reveal it to me at a better time. The boy who I watched grow, and the boy who's footsteps I want to follow. He's my role model. Not Dad, not Mum but Nick. Nick was my imperfectly perfect brother. It may not be by blood, but that has not one inch of significance to me.
Or maybe it's just wishful thinking...
RIP Nick.
20120216 @ Thursday, February 16, 2012
#622 - My Valentine?
Thursday, February 16, 2012
"We're just ordinary people"
#621 - V-Day Pet Peeve
20120215 @ Wednesday, February 15, 2012
#620
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, what you too? I thought I was the only one"
Recap.
On Saturday, Esther and I went to SA during their road run, it was a time for most goodbyes. We went and I bid some farewells. We then took the LRT to Taman Jaya and had lunch with Oli at Amcorp Mall. Gobbled down our food, and the 3 of us fast walked back to my place, as it was already 4pm, and that was the time we were supposed to leave home for City Youth.We met Sonia and jumped into the car. We joked around in the car, and got off at Kingdom City. It was awkward when we walked into the Youth place, but then we knew 2 poeple there so it wasn't awkward for long, thankfully. Kendrick's voice is just beautiful, I tell you. After the message that was given by Rudy Chew, Esther was a bit emotional. She dismissed it and we rushed home, changed and then went for a farewell and also a birthday party that was held at Daniel Chai's house by the Youth of my church. I didn't get thrown into the pool, sadly cause it was raining. The rain did help us interact more and get to know a little bit more about one another, so it was worth it. Let me paint you a picture of the party.
 |
| Sam speaks |
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| Trying to understand the rules of Friendzee |
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| Let the games begin |
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| The Kaki's |
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| Sam trying not to look at anyone during a game of Mafia. |
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| Look! Big Ball! |
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| Jon's creepy Mafia smile |
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| Sam's hilarious attempt to not die. |
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| Isn't your tummy growling at this wonder? |
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| "Pick the question under your left thumb" "Errrr" |
After the great bonding party, Rebekah, Sonia and Esther came back to my house, as they were staying overnight. We had food and were ready to party whilst they helped me pack, at that time the box was in my room but nothing was in it. Then the expected happened, Rebekah and Sonia fell asleep. It was just asdfghjkl amazing, I've never seen them sleep so early (12.30am)
So the packing was left to Esther and I. We packed and threw away 80% of the crap from my table. We talked whilst doing it, the poor girl was so sleepy. Eventually we decided we'd empty my closet and just clear the table. It was nearly 3am by the time we were done, so we decided it was time to knock out. We woke at 8am. Sonia, Rebekah and I were part of the Praise and Worship team for Youth that Sunday. I was on the guitar, Rebekah on the piano and Sonia was singing. We grumbled and rolled around till 8.45am. Sonia was the first to get ready, so by the time we actually got out of bed, she was already dressed and was straightening her hair. I have no idea how she'd live without a straightener.
We were late. Quite late. We were supposed to be in the room at 8.30, we were there at 8.45. Oh well. We practiced once, then we played and let me tell you out of all the times we've led Praise and Worship, this one was the best. I think it was cause all the songs we did were the ones that ALL of us knew, so that was good.
After Youth, all of us stayed back to witness the drama of the PCC AGM. It's church politics, hard to explain. It was a blast, Rebekah introduced me to this 17 going 18 year old boy named Casper, he's from Miri. I made a new friend! :)
He too stayed to witness drama. Our drama needs weren't that satisfied with the AGM this year, and it got boring after a while plus we were starved, so we went out for lunch dragging Casper, Jon and Jason with us. We crossed the road and headed for Amcorp Mall. None of us could decide what to eat so we just headed to McDonald's. Rebekah and Esther disappeared for a bit, so all of us took up 2 tables and started yacking away. Once Rebekah and Esther resurfaced, I went photo frame hunting with Deb. I bought 2, I found them rather interesting.Once they ate and everything, which took ages. We headed back, and the PCC AGM was still going on. It was already 4 and the meeting started at 11. It was rather fascinating that a meeting could go on for that long. Quite fascinating. Once the meeting was over, we said our goodbyes. Rebekah, Esther and Sonia had put together money and bought me gifts! They bought me a notebook with notes from everyone and 3 badges. Rebekah and Esther were going out with their families for lunch, whilst Sonia and I hung around at home then we found out we were going for an extremely late lunch at Sri Paandi's. We got out of the car and stepped into Paandi's only to see Esther and Rebekah sitting at a table for four. We went up to them and laughed about the huge coincidence and ordered drinks. The lady whom we ordered our drinks from was new and kept on coming to our table asking questions. We took pictures and had long chats, we laughed so much our stomachs ached. That's what I call friendship. The relationship I have with these people is my definition of Friendship. After a while it was time to bid yet another farewell, it occured to us that this was going to be the last time I'm seeing these people, until I come back in July. We hugged and took more pictures. Esther left first, followed by Sonia, Rebekah and I. Rebekah looked like she was about to cry. I know I was. Sonia came to my house to wait for her uncle. Half an hour later her uncle comes, and I say goodbye.
I went home holding back tears. I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
That was the end of my weekend with The Kakis.
On Monday, I took my braces off and collected my retainers. My teeth now feel naked. Tuesday, Hung out with the Lims at Sunway Lagoon, then I went and spent time at school. Disappointment was instilled in me when I found out that close friends were talking about each other. Texted, tweeted and FB chatted with Kendrick (roses) the entire day. He just can't get enough of me ;)
Wednesday, I have yet errands to run for mum and also to finish packing then I have a mamak sesh with the girls from school. Roses said he wanted to join us but then it would be awkward. I'm guessing he's decided against it.
Let me paint another picture of Sunway with the Lims.
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| Lim 2 behind bars |
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| Ray Ray behind bars. |
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| Jenny attempts to take obscene picture. |
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| Swimming in Sunway Lagoon. |
#619 - Autocorrect
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
#618 I Will Try To Fix You
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
You.
You know?
I can never fix you.
Only you can fix yourself.
All I ever said was ; I'll be here.
Don't make yourself suffer anymore.
I want to earn your trust again, one day.
All you ever do is ; Stay away, hide and cry.
I can only hope and pray for you.
You're in so much pain.
You don't ever.
Trust.
Anymore.
In me.
But I'm still here, after all the heartbreak.
You're also still here, after all the pain.
You say you don't want to but you're still here.
We're not moving along.
Maybe we won't.
So don't lie to yourself anymore.
Free yourself.
Fix yourself.
Remember, this is all about you.
Don't do what you don't want to do cause you're afraid.
Life's too short to be afraid of anything.
That's why I'm here.
You know?
I can never fix you.
Only you can fix yourself.
All I ever said was ; I'll be here.
Don't make yourself suffer anymore.
I want to earn your trust again, one day.
All you ever do is ; Stay away, hide and cry.
I can only hope and pray for you.
You're in so much pain.
You don't ever.
Trust.
Anymore.
In me.
But I'm still here, after all the heartbreak.
You're also still here, after all the pain.
You say you don't want to but you're still here.
We're not moving along.
Maybe we won't.
So don't lie to yourself anymore.
Free yourself.
Fix yourself.
Remember, this is all about you.
Don't do what you don't want to do cause you're afraid.
Life's too short to be afraid of anything.
That's why I'm here.
[Ri]se
#617
20120210 @ Friday, February 10, 2012
"We'll keep in touch"
"I'll text you, I promise"
"We'll talk everyday"
Some people even cried on my last day at Sri Aman. So why is it then that no one has attempted at making any form of contact with me other than Oli ? Then once I start up a conversation with them, all of sudden they say that I'm missed. None of it makes any sense to me.
Am I overreacting? Frankly, I have no idea and also I don't really care. Maybe it's finally sinking in that I'm actually leaving all of this behind. It's hasn't even sunk in yet, it's more of dripping. Drip, drip, drip. Dripping at a slow pace. It could be because I've always known that I was eventually going to move to Australia and I've let them know since Form 1. It's not they're fault that all this "We'll keep in touch, I promise. Nothing will change" talk elevated my hopes. To only know now that they're just going to crash and burn. It gets tiring trying to keep friends, once you move. I've been to 6 schools so far ever since I was 6. I've become so tired of starting conversations and keeping close friends close each time I move. I stopped school, 3 weeks ago and now I feel like I'm invisible to them. Attention craving? I don't know. I'd just like to know that maybe I'd made my mark on someone's life. I'd like to know that there are people out there who miss me enough to keep in touch. It's just tiring losing friends each time I move, especially close ones.
Back to the original topic; like I mentioned above, I've been feeling rather crappy. On Wednesday, I was sitting on the counter in the kitchen, hunched forward over a piece of paper that I was doodling on. The bell rang, I wasn't in the mood to answer it. (Yes I can be a real drama queen when I want to ) so I asked Ian to get it. He went out through the back and spoke to whoever that was at the door. I tried to make out the mumblings of their conversation, but didn't quite manage to translate it into English. Gave up and went back to doodling. The front door opened and shut, "Ian! So who was it?"
no response.
"Jie! These 3 people said that mum's sick and she was admitted into hospital!" (My brother calls me sister in 2 different languages. It changes daily and it's hard to keep up with)
I jumped of the counter, in the process of doing that - hit my head against the rack above and kind of fell to the ground. By then my brother was standing at the doorway laughing. "I was just joking" he said. I was so close to wrapping fingers around his neck and squeezing it. I walked out of the kitchen and was mobbed. Everything happened too fast for me to process. I remember there being two people standing behind me rubbing my head cooing, and all of a sudden I'm being dragged to my couch and then I see Jenny carrying a first aid kit. I was flabbergasted. It took me 10seconds to process everything. I jumped off the couch and jumped on the both of them. Lim 2 managed to get away but Lim 1 was stuck under me. I rolled off him and stood up, and stared at all 3 of them - one of my many attempts to process the fact that these people were standing before me. RayRay (Lim 1) and Lim2 got up and gave me a hug. It's been the longest time since I've seen these rascals. For those who don't know, these 3 butt-heads were my Dad's neighbours back in Australia, a few years ago. I met them the first night I took the garbage out, never regretted doing that. Not only were they his neighbours (not neighbour exactly, they stayed in the same suburb) but RayRay and I went to the same school in Parnell. Small world, ain't it? I'd never talked to him in Parnell though. To him, it's kind of like fate that we bumped into each other again. It's an agreeable statement.
The last time I saw them was back in '09. We kept in touch through Skype, Letters and E-mail. Yes this boy, wrote me letters :) It made his girlfriend at that time jealous. haha.
They took me out for lunch at some place in the middle of Shah Alam or KL or some place. I took pictures of them as to not forget them, not like I will but just in case. They're my anti-depressants.
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| Lim 1's version of The Boys. "Bring the boys out" |
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| Lim1 and Lim2 |
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| Jakuns. Lim1, Lim2 and Lim3. |
Sadly none of these people own a Facebook account, I'd probably embarrass them if they did anyway.
Sunway Lagoon with them either tomorrow or Sunday :] #buzzed.
Carpe Diem and Press On!