You ever get that feeling? Like you're probably about to fuck everything up? And you feel like shouting "Don't do it!" at yourself every single minute before you do, and ultimately it does nothing to save you from ruining your own happiness. I can feel it coming. (Please don't do it.)

"Think back and replay your year; if it doesn’t bring you tears of either joy or sadness, consider it wasted."

Therefore now I can officially say, I'm moving next month. 


HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE!

I love because of you, I hurt because of you.

I want to sit in front of you and open myself up like an over read book. I want to be able to be honest with you and tell you everything that’s been steeping in my head, and in my heart for too long. But I can’t. I’m too afraid to get hurt, to discover the truth – the truth that probably differs from my own. So instead, I’ll sit down and spell out the words and feelings I’m too afraid to look you in the eyes and say.

We had an innocent chance encounter meeting. Nothing special, nothing too note worthy. Our friendly acquaintance banter soon turned into more and at one point I knew I had not only formed a new friendship but one worth enhancing. I don’t know what it was that tipped me off, but there was something – you were something. I wanted to know more about you, discover who you really were and become close with all that was you. It was easier for me to disguise my feelings at first because you were taken. You were with someone else and I knew the boundaries existed. I was not bothered, nor fazed. I had found myself in similar positions beforehand. You were someone else’s and I happily accepted this, I did. If anything, I was just happy to have you by my side as a friend.

Then one day, it was over. You had ended the relationship and you were available again. I had mixed emotions at first: I didn’t want to encroach on your newly single self, your confused mind and your vulnerable state. It wouldn’t be fair. You needed time and space and more importantly a dear friend to turn to, to rely on. I became that dear friend for you. I was more than happy to be her. I wanted to be the ears to your illogical words, the cushion for your irrational thoughts, the reassurance to your questionable doubts. I became all of the above and more – we became each other’s confidant, each other’s go-to, each others emergency call no matter the time of day. In no time we had become each other’s best friends in a new city where we were both strangers only a few months beforehand. Nothing seemed impossible now that I had you by my side. But somehow, even with all this, I wanted more. I wanted you but more than what I already had of you. I wanted our endearing friendship to grow into something else, to be something so much greater than what it already was. I wanted to be that girl that made you look back; that girl that made your heart skip an extra beat; that girl that you held a gaze with for a few seconds longer; that girl you would talk about long after she was gone. I wanted to be your girl but somehow couldn’t find a way to be. Instead, I sat back and listened to you talk about other girls. You would ask my opinion and I would muster up the courage to mask my true feelings and smile while I delivered the lines you wanted to hear. My face wore the brave mask so easily – too easily – while in fact my heart was painted with the true emotions of my yearning.

I tried to push aside all these feelings; tried to trick myself into thinking I was chasing after something that wasn’t worth the hunt. I kept telling myself it would be foolish of me to jeopardize the wonderful friendship we had formed in such a short span of time. I tried to ignore all the little things that made me fall for you in the first place, but in doing so I only grew fonder of you. I kept feeding nutrients to the starving feelings of desire.

And that’s where I still find myself – at a loss. I no longer know what to do, or how to go on. I’m too afraid to tell you with the risk of losing you, and I’m too afraid to let these feelings linger on. Regardless of the decision, I have a sense I will only hurt myself. I don’t know how much longer I can be with you without being with you. I don’t know how much longer I can go on sharing fun filled moments, endless laughter, and standstill time with you. I don’t know how much longer I can bear to look you in the eyes without reaching out to touch your lips; hug you without holding onto you for a little while longer; wake up next to you in bed without cuddling up to your welcoming side. I don’t know how much longer I can go on without me being your girl, you being my guy and us being that couple. I don’t know how much longer I can go on hiding these true feelings from you, remaining dishonest to your always-honest self. I don’t know how much longer I can go on crying true tears to an unknown audience. I don’t know how much longer I can keep on hurting when you have no idea of the pain I’m suffering.

So for now I'll continue to sit back, all the while paying the prices for falling in love with you, my best friend…
-Nicole Loher

You see, that's why I didn't tell you. Cause you would have never been able to do it. Don't get me wrong, Stefan. I don't mind being a bad guy. I'll make all the life and death desicions, while you're busy worrying about collateral damage. I'll even let her hate me for it. But at the end of the day, I'll be the one to keep her alive. 

- Damon Salvatore

 If you're not attracted to him, then clearly we have a problem. I finished watching season 2 of VD and therefore, now am wiping tears. Bravo! Bravo!
I have season 3 downloading and am now stealing Michelle's videos from her External Hard Drive. I've got 49 Days, Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother and some other Korean and English shows. Back to VD,
Episode 21, homagad.
Damon is dying, and I started to freak therefore freaking Rynn out by my freaking. I mean, the dude can't just fcking die. Okay, he didn't die, yet. It ended with him walking away, it's cliche but still if you watched the entire season, you would be freaking out right about now.
No one will be able to calm their tits down.

Every bloody VD fan is on team Stefan, who the hell cares about that son of a bitch?
Other than my Damon moments, Tyler and Caroline need to be together. Who cares if werewolves are out to kill vampires, I mean it's not like Tyler is a werewolf. oh wait. he is. 
It's okay, love never fails right?

I got my hair cut on Christmas Eve, my hair guy... Uncle Harun said he likes experimenting with my hair, making me feel like a lab rat anyway he decided to give me a shaggy cut. That's what he called it. So he cut and cut and cut, then he danced to Temptation, sang and continued cutting. After the whole thing, he was finally satisfied. An older lady dried my hair, and then he came back to do a final check, he trimmed here and there and then said that if I hair dried it, it would look weird. He sent me off saying, "Shaggy hair doesn't need to be cared for, suits your personality. You don't care about anything."
It made little sense, the way he said it but whatever right? He wanted to dye my hair, so I said we'll see.

"I want to know how many scars you have and memorize the shape of your tongue. I want to climb the curve of your lower back and count your vertebrae, your ribs, your fingers, your goosebumps. I want to chart the topography of your anatomy and be fluent in your body language. I want you, entirely."


This is what my imagination gets up to when I'm not paying strict attention.


They walked into the deepest part of me, and saw two doorways. 
One had dark blue light shining underneath the door, but the door had no handle. He opened the other door, needing to budge it with his shoulder to open it (the hinges had started to rust). The walls were a deep red, pulsing slightly. He walked in, finding himself in a hallway. There was a faint humming in the air that grew louder the further down he went. Little golden notes floated in the air past his head. Then, he turned a corner. The floor started seeping with golden melodies. He started running to a final archway. 


Heaving for breath, he stopped short of the very centre of me. The core was filled with beautiful music. It sounded something like a guitar and a piano and a violin, all fused together, with heartbreakingly lovely vocals. The hole he had come to find, had been filled. He dropped to his knees, feeling suddenly useless. All had been for naught. I didn't need saving anymore. So he journeyed back out the way he had come, and when I woke up, he just held me instead. "I'm sorry," he said. "It's okay," I replied. Then he started to fall asleep, humming a familiar tune. 

 I couldn't find the words to describe the tornado of emotions twirling inside me, so instead pictures seemed to explain it better than my ramblings. Although these are only some parts of the tornado of emotions, but they're still parts and that's all that matters.





 Emotion of the year, it's been like this the entire year, hidden behind others masking itself so that even I wouldn't be able to catch a glimpse of it, until early this morning at around 3am, I walked outside and looked at the stars to wish them a blessed Christmas, and that was when it showed from behind the mask, the feeling that I had but couldn't name.

I want to explain how exhausted I am. Even in my dreams. How I wake up tired. How I'm being drowned by some kind of black wave, but there's not enough time.

It doesn't matter really what I got. PMR is over, its just over. Congrats all those who got straight A's, extremely proud of you. Those who didn't, well who gives a toss... SPM is the real deal, PMR is like the easter bunny.

Anyway, today was rather hard to swallow...despite the fact that I'm sick and my whole face feels like its on fire, and I have a stupid bandage thing on my shoulder. Today could be my last day in SA as a students and that truthfully kind of scares me. So I took in everything, the emotions, the joy, the freaking out and the lack of emotion. I found it rather refreshing. I guess you could say I've changed. I definitely have, over the year it was a slow and excruciating process but it happened and I'm glad it happened because it made me stronger, I now know who my friends really are or were and I know my weakness. I know that one person who can bring me to my knees. It's sad I guess knowing that I'd never be who I once was or who I once wished I was but that's reality and i think it's pretty much time for me to face that.

So I've decided that no matter how hard it is going to be for me to say goodbye to the people here. I'm going to, when the time comes. I will say goodbye, only to the people who care enough to know when I leave. If they don't suits them. I don't mind. I'm just tired of being that doormat that I once was and it took me forever to realize it. I'm tired of being that person who's only wanted when they're needed. It's fine if you need me. I'll be there, just don't expect me to keep running back to you each and every time you call. I'm sick of it.

I had a friend, whom I would say I lost this year. She used to be in love with my brother, not Ian of course. She would tell me all these things, and as the studying started to kick in, our friendship started to fade until one day we decided we would skip Cross Country practice, and we just sat back on the steps of the Form3 block and we started to talk. At one moment, she told me that I was one of her closest friends. I felt the same way, but it didn't matter to me at that time if I said that to her because I have so many friends that I would consider close and she knows that. Now I regret not saying that to her. I saw her today as she was taking her results and I don't know what she got but I hope she did well. We didn't talk. at all. I wanted to but she kept disappearing. Funny I guess, cause I know she saw me cause I looked straight into her eyes but if she doesn't want to talk, it's fine. She was one of my close friends, and I don't know what I did to make her feel the way she does about me, but anyway it doesn't really matter. I remember how we talked about the fact that if she has a problem with me, she should talk to me and she said likewise but I guess it was just hard on her. I just wanted her to know that I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling.. again. I'm just tired, extremely tired of the friends I have that just drift in and out. Yesterday I was watching Rynn and this girl as they were sitting on the roadside and laughing. It was nice finally seeing the guy smile like he used to. He stopped doing that, we all did. All of us just put up this mask to hide everything. Last night, he took it off. He'd done so much for me, and it hurt to know that I had hurt him so much. Everyone concentrated so much on me and Nick and just stabilizing their own grief, no one saw how Rynn was hurting deeply. Rynn's brother was recently diagnosed to be Autistic. No one seemed to notice that until he told me about a week ago. Everyone's slowly peeling their masks off, and I am truly happy for them. I've always known they'd do it sometime soon, they were all just so strong and they're stronger now because they all have each other and they know that. Leaving, I thought would be much easier now... but it's not. It really isn't. I am going to be leaving the life I built here, only to go to one that I have yet to build. Sure I'll still have Facebook and social networking sites to stay in touch, but that's not it. It's the fact that if something happens, I would have no one to run to there and that, that kind of scares me.

Last night was emotional I guess. It took me to the darkest place in me, and in that place I'm most vulnerable, and sitting in my room at 1am looking out the window at one of my close friends, I realized that I don't mind going there. I want to, I don't want to keep hurting these people, because each time they see me, they expect to see him standing behind me but he isn't here anymore to do that. It's going to be hard leaving him here. It's going to be unbearable but he'd want me to. He'd say that I need to move on and he'll still be right there waiting standing right next to Grandma somewhere up in heaven. He'd tell me that it'd be alright, and that I wouldn't need to worry about him anymore. After all he could take care of himself, he's been doing that all these years and then he'd remind me of the day during DYC when we walked to the football field and just lay there to look at the stars. It was rather cliché, I admit but it was one of my best memories of him. He knew about the day that would come when we wouldn't be able to keep the friendship we had as strong as it was then, and he told me that his twin brother had told him when he was going in for surgery that if any time he needed him all he had to do was look at the stars.
He told me that if ever there was a time when I needed him and he wasn't available, I just had to look at the stars. So that's what I did at that moment, it was special.
5 minutes later, after silent pondering he admitted that his twin had always been a sucker for Nicholas Sparks. His twin never survived that surgery, but it was a sacrifice that he was willing to make. Nick didn't have enough blood in him and he wasn't strong enough to survive that accident when he was younger, and his twin gave his life for Nick. Both his parents died that day in that accident and his twin a week later.
I'm done lying about him and his past. It's time people got to know the real him, and how truly special he was to me.

Damon's love for Elena makes me just want to cry. Why can't she see it? Everyone loves Stefan and nobody loves Damon. It's so sad. The poor guy is lonely. Jeremy on the other hand should just kiss Bonnie. Age doesn't matter. Amagad and Tyler and Caroline can both be insecure together. This whole thing is killing me.
Dump Stefan, Elena. Dump. him.


ignore my ramblings about the things i watch.

Oh god, Damon is taking over my mind.

Homagad. I have officially fallen in love with Damon Salvatore and his love for Elena...

The boy saw the comet and he felt as though his life had meaning. And when it went away, he waited his
entire life for it to come back to him.

It was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life: direction, beauty, meaning. There are many who couldn’t understand, and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him, and his world would be whole again… And his belief in God and love and art would be re-awakened in his heart.