#674
20121006 @ Saturday, October 06, 2012
#671
20120924 @ Monday, September 24, 2012
You only fix the things you feel deserve to be fixed, as if you're a special kind of person who doesn't deserve to sort their own life out because of who they are. Like your brokenness is a symptom of being you.
"I can let that wait, I don't need to do this because I don't deserve to have it done. My life is always only ever incomplete."
And yet, no one deserves the full benefit of being you, more than you.
#670
20120902 @ Sunday, September 02, 2012
It’s been a tough week. It’s tiring having to be
strong for everyone else but yet in the end when they make it through the tough
times; I feel a sense of accomplishment or gratitude? I don’t know what the
word is but it’s a nice feeling. I just feel a small boost, like “I can help
someone” and maybe they’ll forget you after a while, but maybe in the future
they’ll remember what you did. I don’t know, I just like being there for
people. I like being the “go to person” that I am. It’s kind of like “He/She
wants my advice because maybe I’m just important to them” I don’t know if I
make any sense but well it’s a good feeling. Then there’s days like these when
I think “Are you that stupid?!”
A
few days ago, a friend of mine came up to me and asked me for advice on his
girlfriend. He went on about how a lot of other guys post on her wall and
there’s not one post from him, sure I felt bad for him but seriously?
SERIOUSLY. Obviously there aren’t any posts from you because you never posted
on her wall. Idiot. So I gave him something to post on her wall, and she liked
it and commented and things were okay. That was till today – today he asked me
to think of some other quote to post on her wall. I got annoyed because
something else happened earlier which annoyed me a small bit and this just
seemed to feed on the annoyment I was already feeling. You don’t go around
asking people for quotes to put up on your girlfriend’s wall so that the bump
in your relationship will smoothen. It doesn’t work that way. That’s just being
fake, quite fake.
Sometimes
the small things piss me off, and then there are the big things. “Are you
okay?” we all want to be asked that question when we’re down, so that we have
an excuse to vent out to someone. You can deny that fact as much as you want,
but even you know that it’s true – no matter how small the want is, you still
want it to happen. So why don’t people ask other people if they’re okay? Not
many ask that question anymore because the answer is usually “I’m okay/I’m
fine” so why would people want to ask? If you look depressed and you seemed to
have balled your eyes out, and someone asks you if you’re okay – what would you
say? Most of us would say “I’m okay” because maybe we don’t want to burden the
other person or we just don’t want to talk about it. That is partly true. There
is also that craving for attention, that tiny craving for attention. I admit, I
do sometimes surrender to this attention craving side of me and pretty much
exaggerate the smallest mess ups I’ve been through, but I’m trying to fix that
because that just isn’t right. I now also have this “No bullshit” motto along
with my other gazillion mottos. Why say “I’m okay” when you’re not? It took me
awhile to figure out an answer to that. Why not just say “No, I’m not okay” if
you’re not okay and if you don’t want to talk about it then say “I’m sorry. I
don’t want to talk about it” or something that sounds less serious like “Can we
talk about pink fluffy unicorns dancing on rainbows?” or dodge the talking by
asking whoever it is how they are.
Society is mental. We all are.
We’ve succumbed to pretty much everything on
television/radio/internet/magazines etc. What happened to individuality? What
happened to religion? It’s funny how we used to cherish these things and slowly
they’re beginning to disintegrate. What happened to knowing your neighbours,
helping the needy, being different? We used to be a society filled with so much
talent, a world filled with different races, different backgrounds and different
people. When did the girls turn into Barbies and the guys turn into Kens? When
did we decide that we need to be like the others to have friends? Have we
really lost all our self-esteem? It sure seems that way.
#671
20120808 @ Wednesday, August 08, 2012
Look at me, I can't begin to describe how well I know the theory. I could write a book on the theory and win awards on my accuracy. I could color code the theory, put neat little tags around it and write out a table of contents. I could do all this with one eye shut, and an arm tied around my back.
Point is, I'm tired of listening to the theory. I know it all by heart.
It's the practice I'm useless at.
Tips, anyone?
-Autumn Leaves
#670
20120804 @ Saturday, August 04, 2012
August the 2nd 2012. It’s been exactly 168 since I boarded a flight in Malaysia to Perth. A 5 hour flight which would change things that I never thought would change. Like I mentioned in my last post people often think that moving is easy and it would be much easier for someone who constantly moves, they’re wrong. For those who haven’t moved countries once, imagine having to leave everything you’ve ever known behind and jump into a new environment containing new cultures, new people, new traditions, different food and many more things to adjust to. For those who have, then you probably understand what I’m saying more than those who haven’t. I am not here to complain about how hard it was for me to move yet again, and nor am I here to tell you that moving is a bad thing. Moving is not a bad thing, it’s a privilege and something you shouldn’t have to regret doing, as for the complaining I’m not complaining I am just telling people how hard it’s going to be, how hard it was and well just telling people the truth because I am tired of having to deal with the things people say and the opinions people have towards me prior to moving and after moving. Frankly, I am just tired of everything. I’m sorry to those who read this and feel hurt or to those who think I’ve accused you of something because I am not accusing anyone of anything, if something I’ve said sounds like you then I’d like you to know that sure it did hurt before but I’ve forgiven you and I’ve moved on. No I am not a saint so get that out of your minds right now. I just prefer to forgive and forget then move on but it took me a while to realize this, I used to just tell someone about how hurt I was because of something someone had said or done but now I am just going to blog about it or maybe just confront them about it because there really is no point in telling someone else about what’s going on when I can fix the issue on my own. I would mention names but then there’s no point in that now is there? So to those in Sri Aman, specifically the various groups of people I used to hang out with let the others see this, those who of you who do not have blogs because I need them to know.
I moved countries for the 3rd time in my life on February the 16th 2012, according to my parents; the plan was to move in August 2009 when I was in my first year of school at Sri Aman, but there were a couple of complications there and so the date kept being pushed forward. I was a rather naïve kid back then so being as naïve as I was I told everyone that I was moving only to later realize that I wasn’t till a later date, so 3 years went by, and my then my friends had already accused me of lying and therefore just stopped believing me. I knew this but by then I had some sense of maturity and just went on in life, because at that time I had it in my head that if they thought I was lying this time then it would be easier for everyone when I left. I was wrong. At first I told a few friends who then spread it out for me and eventually the groups of people I hung out with knew, of course they thought I was lying but that was part of my plan at the time. Soon enough I had a week left of school and I was busy running around trying to get the teachers to sign a form stating that I was moving and I had to collect so and so documents and hand in so and so documents and the books that the school had lent me. It was during that week that I realized that I must have been pretty used to moving because I didn’t feel the things that I thought I was supposed to feel, I was rather excited to move by then because having to move from country to country, state to state and school to school you got bored easily and start to yearn for change. Then there was my last interact meeting, it wasn’t as hard saying goodbye to them as I thought it would’ve been, I ended saying goodbye to the club I had worked hard to be in and the effort I had put in along with all the other club members to organize events and create awareness on issues that others were rather flippant about. I was an interactor and now to think of it I will always be an interactor. I then met Datin Mary, a family friend and a teacher at school – a lady whom I admired. I sat down and spoke with her for a little more than an hour as she collected and ran through all my documents, as she came to a paper with sticky notes stuck on it she looked at me and told me how sad it was that I had to leave so late in my schooling life when I’ve been nominated for a couple of positions – a position on the editorial board (as Datin Mary had seen my photography work in Parishlink – a church magazine) , a post on the Interact Board of Directors (as she had seen the work I handed in the year before when I was trying out) and a spot in PRS so yes it was just a little saddening to know that I could have a few positions in these clubs if I wasn’t leaving.
That’s all academically, now to the few harder parts. They say friends are the people who help you through the hardest times and get you to laugh through the tears and all the other things those people say. I had friends that I thought I knew were going to stick with me even if I moved. Ding ding wrong again. I kept thinking I knew things but truthfully I didn’t and it took a 5 hour flight to realize that. At that time I already knew that no matter what people say things would change and I wouldn’t be as close to the people as I would have been, but my friends somehow managed to elevate my hope and thus elevate my expectations. I had a group of friends HG – they could make you laugh even on the rainiest of days . . . sometimes. I loved them, and during the first few weeks after moving we did keep in touch that slowly died down. I had a friend then, she was a spectacular little thing we skipped cross country practice to just sit and talk, we talked for hours and she even shed some tears I never knew she was that hurt behind that metal smile of hers (she had braces, if you hadn’t guessed) and she promised me that she would keep in touch and update me on anything and everything and well I believed her and that was a stupid decision for me to make because we haven’t said much to each other other than the usual “how are yous”. She seems to have put up this barrier she once had, and I just I don’t know what to do anymore because either way things won’t be the same as it was when she semi broke down in front of me. I want to help her but I just don’t know how if she’s placed me on the other side of this barrier. It’s definitely different between HG and me nowadays, and it’s no one’s fault. It takes two to make a relationship work and I guess we both failed at that. I do still stay in touch with a couple of them, mostly a girl I barely spoke to when I was there but it’s different. I still am rather naïve; no doubt about it because once I left a few people told me how HG actually felt and well to summarize it I was a selfish lying devil and well I don’t blame them but I was rather flippant about it because to each his own. Months began to pass and soon enough I was attached to HG with a thread that was about to be snipped off it just depended on who was holding the scissors. There came a time when I was going to throw a surprise party for one of the 3 friends I had who made a point to check on how I was doing every week, even if it was just a plain “How are you doing? Really.” Facebook message and I started planning this just more than a month before the actual date, at first everyone said they were coming and then they began to tell me they couldn’t make it a couple of days before the event. I already knew what was going on there, she was not part of HG anymore and that didn’t matter to her but it did to me and to a mutual friend of ours. You know what? Screw it. I am just going to be straight out here and if you have something to say, comment or put it in the chat box, Facebook me, Tweet me or email me because that really did piss me off. So let’s do this again, shall we? I told everyone that I wasn’t coming back just so that when I rocked up at Olli’s birthday surprise, she wouldn’t have a clue that I was going to be rocking up and so I planned and the plans changed a few times then I got my dear friend Cynta to help me. We stayed up late Skyping and planning this birthday surprise, because Olli had never had a birthday party before and she was turning 16, her sweet 16. So everyone said they could come at first and slowly fewer and fewer people were able to make it, then we were left with just people from HG and that was alright because the HG was a bunch of people who could entertain themselves and others even if they were locked in an empty room. A couple of people said that transport would be a problem and I told them that Mum would be able to send them back and she’d be there, a few days later and we needed the final answer from everyone and everyone declined the invite. That night Cynta and I we got so pissed our Skype conversation was just hectic. It took us a while to realize this but HG if you hadn’t noticed, for everyone make the biggest effort possible to be at your party you needed to be an exclusive member of the group i.e Yen Fern’s birthday bash (sorry to have to use your birthday thing as an example, Yen). Sangeetha was about to kick my arse for not being able to attend, someone else was even willing to call my mother even though my reason was church. This party was planned over the span of 3 days and everyone well most people managed to attend. So well yes I was quite angered by this because what does that say about HG? Well it doesn’t matter anymore.
The party ended up being a rather intimate one. It was a party of 3 and all of us had a blast because Cynta, Olli and I we were bros and we could laugh over the tiniest things so we had a ball of a time! And Olli was definitely surprised so was Cynta. Well now to more positive matters, after drifting away from HG I gained another group of bros, though I do still consider HG as my friends and if they ever need help I would help them because they have been a part of my life and I can’t undo that nor would I ever want to. I gained a group of close friends that I absolutely adore - The Mafia Bros. Who are they? Just a group of beautiful princesses whom I never thought I would’ve been close to, but I do regret not being close to them earlier. Well these princesses are Sean, Mandeep, Kevin, Faheem, Kah Poh, Bazil, Syahiran, Amery, Chelsea, Rayhan, Ali, Kenneth and Shailesh those are the ones that I am close to. They’re my Mafia Bros and also Olli is somewhere in there on and off. I didn’t get to hang out with HG because well why would I? I knew what was going to happen everyone’s going to ask “How’s Australia?” and my answer would be ‘well why don’t you ask Australia how it is.’ Then they’d either ask me about things over there or they’d be talking to each other about things that I wouldn’t understand. So instead I hung out with Cynta and Olli a few times, or I went to school to pick them up and the 2nd week I was there I hung out with the Mafia Bros and the Sisterhood and Kendrick. It was nice having someone else in the Mafia Bros who knew how hard moving was – Faheem. I love that boy, he’s such an entertainer. We skype every night, the Mafia Bros – we make it a point to skype every night and if one person isn’t online, we Facebook message him to find out how he’s doing. That’s just how great they are. I know that I have gone far far away from the topic I started with but well, I was never one to stick to something. Maybe I’ll do a continuation of this some other time. I ought to.
Espoir infini x©
#669
20120731 @ Tuesday, July 31, 2012
If there’s one thing that I’ve realized over the course of time that I’ve been here, is the fact that it’s never hard to just move on and to accept the fact that the people you once thought would be with you through thick and thin, might just not be there for what reasons we’d never know. People assume that when you move it’s merely just a change of position, but really they’re so wrong it’s unfathomable. It’s a change of the relationship between friends, a change of culture, of maturity, of influence and at the beginning it’s pretty lonely. For one who has been to a total of 6 different schools in the past 10 years which are situated in different states and countries and for one who has changed kindergartens 4 times, it’s an overstatement to say that I know what it’s like. I do know what it’s like to have to leave the social life, the friends, the relationships and the life you’ve created behind and move to a different place knowing that things wouldn’t be the same if you turned back. I do use this as an advantage and help people who are in the midst of moving and find it hard. I do look at it negatively yet use it to help others. Maybe that’s why people say I should do psychology?
Often people don’t realize that it is harder than it seems, sure you get excited for a new adventure and sure it’s going to be different and sometimes you just need a change of environment and people but it is harder than what we make it to seem. People look at my family and see that we are easily adapted and we move at the snap of fingers – nothing meets the eye. We do move at the snap of fingers but it’s not all simple. Don’t get me wrong I love travelling and I’m blessed to be able to move from country to country and to experience new cultures and have new adventures, but I have this urge to put people in their place and correct their views on this aspect of my life and I’m probably not the only one who wants to do this, there are many people who want to tell the world how hard it is to move time and time again, but perhaps they just never find the words to say. People love using the fact that I move around against me and truthfully it really is starting to bug me. It is not my fault that I get to move around and you don’t nor is it my fault that our friendship disintegrated. It takes 2 to make a relationship work that applies to friendship as well.
One thing that everyone who has moved at least once in their life has gone through is the “Nothing’s going to change” phase. This is when everyone decides that nothing will change, except the distance between you two. That is complete utter bullshit, trust me – you never want to fall into that hole. Things will change, and some people know that but most don’t. Once you move, your friendships change no longer will you be in the circle and no longer will you be as close as you were with your friends and that’s when slowly you start thinking “Why was I friends with them?” at the beginning of the period after you move things will seem like they haven’t changed, your friends will contact you every day or every 2 days and as the weeks go by they start contacting you less and less which can be perceived in two ways it helps you move on in some sense and it also shows who your real friends are which is a pretty sad process. That’s when you start thinking “I took your words and I believed in everything you said to me, you promised me you’d be around. If someone said in 3 years from now you’d be long gone, I’d have stood up and punched their mouth because they’re all wrong but they knew better. Who knew?” Truth is, Pink really does portray this in her song “Who knew?” even if she was actually talking about some relationships, love relationships but it’s still legitly applicable to friendships. You won’t believe me now, nor sometimes do I believe myself but I know for a fact that it’s going to happen no matter how hard I try to hold on to people, most of them would be long gone in 3 years. No not dead nor have they run away – the way I see ‘long gone’ is that they would have moved on and I would have too maybe you’d still be friends but it’s not definite that you’ll be as close as you are and that things would be exactly the same as they were before. I’ve experienced it time and time again and yet it affects me. There is no way of running away from the hope of still being able to keep the friendship as close as it was but well if you know what is possible to happen then it won’t surprise you all that much, yes it will hurt but not as much as it would.
There’s also the “I miss you” phase which isn’t so different from the phase before but it hurts all as much. When someone says this to you, you get a little happy. Why? You’re happy to know that at least you’ve made an impact on someone’s life and they haven’t forgotten you and also it’s a sense of someone has thought about you for one second. It’s a nice feeling but I try not to give into it because after a while they miss you less and less and then just stop altogether. It’s hard for me to forget that their lives don’t revolve around mine and even if I’ve left they still have to live out their lives. It’s a stupid thought thinking that you mean everything to someone but it’s a hope that the media has instilled in us as stupid as can be we still have that small hope inside us. People say that this act of missing someone is selfish; I don’t know what my stand on that is. Missing someone could be selfish in a sense, perhaps because the act to miss is defined as ‘to feel sad because someone is not with you any longer or because you do not have or cannot do something any longer” so perhaps by reading that it is a little selfish but it’s also encouraging for the other person as the absence of the other is notified and therefore you feel sad.
After all that you feel ‘Reminiscence’ and you long for having the life you had when you thought you knew who to trust and you had a group of friends that you hung out with and you had your best friends and you long for being able to walk down the hallway and say hi to everyone and that you knew where to go and how to go get there you also knew all the hotspots and you weren’t cooped up in your room thinking about the life you had before but well it’s a slow way of moving on, once you realized what you no longer have you start looking for something to pursue and you focus all your sadness, anger and frustration in a positive way.
No matter what you go through, it takes time and soon enough you start living the life you once had only with a different group of people – it only takes some talking and putting yourself out there, introducing yourself to people in school and choosing the right group of friends. At first in that group you would feel a bit left out but then it’s just a matter of time before they realize how truly amazing you are.
Trust me, you’ll survive.
P/s : I'm planning to blog about my personal experiences during my latest move next. Don't know why, just felt like I should. Disclaimer : This may hurt a few people but well the way I see it is that I'd rather them know the truth rather than the lies because that's what I say to my friends - you have something to say? Say it to my face not behind my back and only Oli and Cynta seem to actually do that.
#668 Spiritual Inspiration
20120725 @ Wednesday, July 25, 2012
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for You are with me…” (Psalm 23:4, NKJV)
Have you ever gone through something and felt like it was the valley of the shadow of death? During the tough times, it’s easy to get discouraged. But I love what it says in today’s verse, “though I walk through…”
No matter what you are facing today, know this: you are not alone, and you are just walking through. You don’t have to stop and live in the tough times! They are only temporary. I encourage you today; don’t allow fear to paralyze you in the middle of “the valley of the shadow of death.” Remember, God is with you. He is walking beside you. He is strengthening you. He is making a way of escape for you. He is lining up people and situations to bring you out of that tough place into a place of strength and victory.
Today, don’t give up! Press on and walk through! Start to get a vision of your life on the other side. See yourself more loving, more faithful, stronger and more blessed than ever before. As you keep moving forward and walking through, you will get to the other side and walk in the victory God has prepared for you!- SpiritualInspiration
#667
20120718 @ Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Dear Lost,
Make a wish for a change, for you are human, and should find no shame in a wish. It will come true, sooner or later, I promise. Lost is a path, not a place. Lost is a path to your dreams, what you wish.
Dear Lost,
You're not lost, and I am your friend.
- Ra(u)gged
#672
20120717 @ Tuesday, July 17, 2012
Today was a great day spent with great people. God has truly blessed me.
#671
20120716 @ Monday, July 16, 2012
I learnt that probably the only way to save yourself from a sinking ship is to jump into the sea and pray that you will survive. Either that or the ship will pull you down with it.
I learnt that sometimes, you gotta learn the hard way.
#670
20120623 @ Saturday, June 23, 2012
Whenever we fall, we surrender until we see a tiny glow of hope, which we turn into a fiery light of success the moment we stand up. We learn after every mistake and use what we learn the next time we face another combat. We have weak emotions, but we always have a way of moving on and getting out of the shell in which we try to hide while mending. We don't know everything, but somehow, each of us has a unique way of figuring things out. We are lured into committing sins, but we learn in the process until we could finally overcome the temptations. We might learn things the long and hard way, but learning that way makes the lessons harder to forget. We don't have shortcuts, and people who learn the hard way are the hardest ones to break. No alien could ever do that."
-Human and Proud
#MattCorby
20120430 @ Monday, April 30, 2012
Addiction.
#668
20120425 @ Wednesday, April 25, 2012
#667
20120418 @ Wednesday, April 18, 2012
20120414 @ Saturday, April 14, 2012
if you read anything that might offend you, I'm sorry bro. That is my blog you're reading. And if you can't accept it and move on then you should talk to me, not to other people about it - I'm glad that people do that and it publicizes my blog, but the fact that other people have to tell me that so and so have been offended because of so and so - is just pissing me off
#665
20120411 @ Wednesday, April 11, 2012
I hope you -
a) Get lost in the middle of africa and gangraped by a pack of giraffes. Then you die
b) you get locked in a porta-potty for 14 days straight. Then you die
c) you have mud-butt and bubble-gut for the rest of your life... with no toilet paper. Then you die.
d) All of the above
#664
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
This is just a small does of Thank You for all you've done, Mi. This is why you should log out from Youtube when you're done using my laptop. Oh god, she's going to kill me. It's okay - I still love you to small bits and pieces.
-Lim1.
#663
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
#Exo
20120408 @ Sunday, April 08, 2012
Kai :) The dance is so ... complicated.
#662
20120405 @ Thursday, April 05, 2012
"There are times, when you fall for somebody's talent, so deeply and so intensely, that you're never sure what to say when asked 'Why do you like them so much ?'
Today was the last day of our 'Reflection Day' period - 2 days. We went to Osbourne Park and into the YMT studio/hall place. It was fun, we played games and there was impromptu dramas, food and more games but at the end there was the 'reflection' bit of it, which I found to be really calming. At the beginning of the day, we got onto the bus and it was a half hour ride to YMT - sat with Rita, Hannah and Savannah. We were laughing about 'Mean Girls' the movie and the Trinity boys and not to mention my bus driver yesterday, who was trying to get me to attack either the windows or the polls in the bus due to his lack of driving skills. Back to topic, upon arrival we were led into this big hall, and all of grabbed a seat and were introduced to the
Then we went back into the hall, and played more games and there were more dramas - one was like this 'dance' thing and that got me thinking ; there was a group of people fully dressed in black and they're dance routine was very strict and there was no individuality in it, then there were these 2 people who seemed like they were trying they're absolute best to get into this group, but the leader of this group kept shoving them away till at last one of them got in but the other one didn't, so she went and stood in the corner and watched. Cameron jumped up on stage dressed fully in white, and he was challenged by the group, because he too wanted to join them. They showed their moves, and he had to do it the exact same way as him, but he kept adding his own moves into which was to the other groups disliking. He got rejected, but soon after he went up to the girl in the corner took her sunglasses off (all the ones in black wore sunglasses) and they were dancing to the music in their own individual ways whilst the other group did their routine repeatedly, soon enough one of the other people from that group also took off his sunglasses and joined Cameron's group. I found this skit particularly interesting because of the way it was set up. It almost seemed to say that people these days tend to conform to society, and in that process lose and not-appreciate their individuality, then you have a small group of individuals who embrace they're individuality and also each others.
Well back to what I originally was going to say - I am a Knicks fan to those who don't speak Basketball, leave a comment and I will teach you. I am Knicks fan - not because Jeremy Lin is there, I was a fan before he even existed (I'm not that old but you get the point). So anyway I was talking to a friend of mine who came to visit from Auckland and he wore a Knicks jersey, so being a fan when he went to shower - we were at the hotel he and his family stayed at. I stole his jersey and well tucked it into the back pocket of my pants - not a very smart thing to do. He came out of the shower and grabbed a shirt and pants, changed. He shooed me out of the bedroom part first, and then he starts looking for his Jersey then he procrastinates it, and we go out for lunch. So we went out for lunch at Hungry Jacks, and we ordered and his burger took it's time to come. Impromptu photo was taken of his sad hungry face.
Well we had our meal it took us 4 hours, we just had so much catching up to do. We then took a walk around and he still didn't realise my back pocket. As we were taking the lift up to his room at the hotel - he pulled it out of my back pocket. "Think I'm that stupid? I've known you for ages" then he promised me he'd get me one. I'm waiting.
I just wanted to put this out there, I'm a JLin fan. Who isn't?
it's impossible not to find him adorable.
Knicks for the win.