I want to explain how exhausted I am. Even in my dreams. How I wake up tired. How I'm being drowned by some kind of black wave, but there's not enough time.

It doesn't matter really what I got. PMR is over, its just over. Congrats all those who got straight A's, extremely proud of you. Those who didn't, well who gives a toss... SPM is the real deal, PMR is like the easter bunny.

Anyway, today was rather hard to swallow...despite the fact that I'm sick and my whole face feels like its on fire, and I have a stupid bandage thing on my shoulder. Today could be my last day in SA as a students and that truthfully kind of scares me. So I took in everything, the emotions, the joy, the freaking out and the lack of emotion. I found it rather refreshing. I guess you could say I've changed. I definitely have, over the year it was a slow and excruciating process but it happened and I'm glad it happened because it made me stronger, I now know who my friends really are or were and I know my weakness. I know that one person who can bring me to my knees. It's sad I guess knowing that I'd never be who I once was or who I once wished I was but that's reality and i think it's pretty much time for me to face that.

So I've decided that no matter how hard it is going to be for me to say goodbye to the people here. I'm going to, when the time comes. I will say goodbye, only to the people who care enough to know when I leave. If they don't suits them. I don't mind. I'm just tired of being that doormat that I once was and it took me forever to realize it. I'm tired of being that person who's only wanted when they're needed. It's fine if you need me. I'll be there, just don't expect me to keep running back to you each and every time you call. I'm sick of it.

I had a friend, whom I would say I lost this year. She used to be in love with my brother, not Ian of course. She would tell me all these things, and as the studying started to kick in, our friendship started to fade until one day we decided we would skip Cross Country practice, and we just sat back on the steps of the Form3 block and we started to talk. At one moment, she told me that I was one of her closest friends. I felt the same way, but it didn't matter to me at that time if I said that to her because I have so many friends that I would consider close and she knows that. Now I regret not saying that to her. I saw her today as she was taking her results and I don't know what she got but I hope she did well. We didn't talk. at all. I wanted to but she kept disappearing. Funny I guess, cause I know she saw me cause I looked straight into her eyes but if she doesn't want to talk, it's fine. She was one of my close friends, and I don't know what I did to make her feel the way she does about me, but anyway it doesn't really matter. I remember how we talked about the fact that if she has a problem with me, she should talk to me and she said likewise but I guess it was just hard on her. I just wanted her to know that I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling.. again. I'm just tired, extremely tired of the friends I have that just drift in and out. Yesterday I was watching Rynn and this girl as they were sitting on the roadside and laughing. It was nice finally seeing the guy smile like he used to. He stopped doing that, we all did. All of us just put up this mask to hide everything. Last night, he took it off. He'd done so much for me, and it hurt to know that I had hurt him so much. Everyone concentrated so much on me and Nick and just stabilizing their own grief, no one saw how Rynn was hurting deeply. Rynn's brother was recently diagnosed to be Autistic. No one seemed to notice that until he told me about a week ago. Everyone's slowly peeling their masks off, and I am truly happy for them. I've always known they'd do it sometime soon, they were all just so strong and they're stronger now because they all have each other and they know that. Leaving, I thought would be much easier now... but it's not. It really isn't. I am going to be leaving the life I built here, only to go to one that I have yet to build. Sure I'll still have Facebook and social networking sites to stay in touch, but that's not it. It's the fact that if something happens, I would have no one to run to there and that, that kind of scares me.

Last night was emotional I guess. It took me to the darkest place in me, and in that place I'm most vulnerable, and sitting in my room at 1am looking out the window at one of my close friends, I realized that I don't mind going there. I want to, I don't want to keep hurting these people, because each time they see me, they expect to see him standing behind me but he isn't here anymore to do that. It's going to be hard leaving him here. It's going to be unbearable but he'd want me to. He'd say that I need to move on and he'll still be right there waiting standing right next to Grandma somewhere up in heaven. He'd tell me that it'd be alright, and that I wouldn't need to worry about him anymore. After all he could take care of himself, he's been doing that all these years and then he'd remind me of the day during DYC when we walked to the football field and just lay there to look at the stars. It was rather cliché, I admit but it was one of my best memories of him. He knew about the day that would come when we wouldn't be able to keep the friendship we had as strong as it was then, and he told me that his twin brother had told him when he was going in for surgery that if any time he needed him all he had to do was look at the stars.
He told me that if ever there was a time when I needed him and he wasn't available, I just had to look at the stars. So that's what I did at that moment, it was special.
5 minutes later, after silent pondering he admitted that his twin had always been a sucker for Nicholas Sparks. His twin never survived that surgery, but it was a sacrifice that he was willing to make. Nick didn't have enough blood in him and he wasn't strong enough to survive that accident when he was younger, and his twin gave his life for Nick. Both his parents died that day in that accident and his twin a week later.
I'm done lying about him and his past. It's time people got to know the real him, and how truly special he was to me.

Damon's love for Elena makes me just want to cry. Why can't she see it? Everyone loves Stefan and nobody loves Damon. It's so sad. The poor guy is lonely. Jeremy on the other hand should just kiss Bonnie. Age doesn't matter. Amagad and Tyler and Caroline can both be insecure together. This whole thing is killing me.
Dump Stefan, Elena. Dump. him.


ignore my ramblings about the things i watch.

Oh god, Damon is taking over my mind.

Homagad. I have officially fallen in love with Damon Salvatore and his love for Elena...

The boy saw the comet and he felt as though his life had meaning. And when it went away, he waited his
entire life for it to come back to him.

It was more than just a comet because of what it brought to his life: direction, beauty, meaning. There are many who couldn’t understand, and sometimes he walked among them. But even in his darkest hours, he knew in his heart that someday it would return to him, and his world would be whole again… And his belief in God and love and art would be re-awakened in his heart.

I'm officially losing my voice :(

1. Did you believe in the existence of Santa Claus as a child?
2. What is your best childhood Christmas memory?
3. How often have you wished for something and got it?
4. How do you plan to celebrate Christmas year?
5. What's your secret wish list for this year?

I woke up at around 2pm today, due to the fact that I came back from the party at Morgan's at around 1am, and couldn't fall asleep till about 4am. The party wasn't that bad, but it would have been even more fun if Luis and the group had come. Other than that, I now suffer from a headache, and can barely speak cause of my sore-throat. David says Honey and Lemon might do the trick I think he said honey and lemon.  Nyeh. Dinner at the Hyde residence, with Sugin and family and well none other than the Hyde s. I found out that one of my close friends smoke, I'm not sure how exactly I feel about that but I'm quite disappointed in her. She used to despise smokers, and now that she's one of them. I don't know. 
Results are out on Thursday, so that's on my to-do list so is, X'mas shopping, Dentist appointment, doctor appointment and a few other things.
It actually is kind of nice not being able to speak. I blame this sore-throat on carolling, although it was a blast!
Here are some of the pictures I  promised, of when the Aussie's came down.

Mark, my brother from another mother XD

Corie and me at Petaling Street

Emma and me at PS

Rayban time :B

Trying the Rambutans :)

Peekture in the van

Their fav word - harimau! rawr.

Coconut head.

Because on other planets, you live on a star.

Labels: I Wrote This For You

So I wonder, when you walk down the road you took when you left, will you ever stop dead in your tracks and want to run back to me? Will sorrow fill you up and tip you over and have you trying to wipe away all the sadness that has filled you up? Will you miss me and my pure love, my golden heart? Will you come back and snuggle next to me, your spot is as empty as ever since you left. More importantly, in your heart - was that the best choice you made? To leave someone who loves you, because truth be told, I still yearn for you. And I don't know if my heart will remain in the same spot you dropped it at. Will you be afraid when someone else has picked it up?

“In the beginning you believe that maybe, just maybe, caring is like a muscle and over time, when not used, it starts atrophying, but then you wake up and realize that you do care and that, no matter how often you bullshit yourself, the caring never dissipated in the first place."


Oli stayed over on Tuesday night, Thursday and Friday night. I can't say I had fun. It was nice just having her here though. Yen Fern is back from Taiwan, saw her at swimming. Can't say I enjoyed that either, although watching David shiver was fun.
It's not them. It really isn't. I just don't have any interest in talking to people from school, anymore  at the moment. I have no idea why .  
I have 2 pills that I have to take every night, after dinner for the next year or longer. 

"Do you think your life has turned out the way you had wanted it to? What/where would you rather be?" 
I don't think so. I think it could have, but I got lost along the way. Sometimes circumstances make you forget how to read the compass, and by the time you realize what has happened you're drifting on gusts of wind - somewhere there, somewhere here. At which point you know that even though drifting is deliciously easy (because who doesn't like floating with the wind?), it's going to take a lot more than the epiphany to take you back to the ground and get you moving in a defined direction. It's going to take courage to take the risks involved in letting go of the comfortable cloud you're sitting on right now. In order to move forward, I'm going to have to let go of what I have right now.

"IF I HAD A WORLD OF MY OWN, EVERYTHING WOULD BE NONSENSE. NOTHING WOULD BE WHAT IT IS, BECAUSE EVERYTHING WOULD BE WHAT IT ISN'T. AND CONTRARY WISE, WHAT IS, IT WOULDN'T BE. AND WHAT IT WOULDN'T BE, IT WOULD. YOU SEE?" LC