#609
20120129 @ Sunday, January 29, 2012
This guy I followed, posted a post that I posted. Get it? It actually makes me feel like someone actually reads my blog, someone who reads my blog not to try to get into my head. It's a nice feeling.
This guy :)
#608
Sunday, January 29, 2012
#607
Sunday, January 29, 2012
‘Depression is a big word,I wouldn’t prefer to use it to describe my state of mind’. Alex’s words echoes back to me.
I couldn't agree more with him few years back but now I want to borrow that word from the dictionary. Yes, depression, that feeling of standing on top of a cliff, not having the guts to fall and at the same time not wanting to make a U-turn. So I stand there, tormented by the heat, strangled by the cold with legs shaking and hands shivering. There’s a void inside me, it’s been there for quite some time. Sometimes I wish I could grab a stranger’s hand, drag her to a bench and tell her all the stories from the very beginning. But even when they are all ears, I couldn't formulate a word.
It’s strange, I have a good family (with some flaws of course) and good friends but then I don’t know what brings me to this cliff in the first place. I feel as though the freedom had been taken away from me, just like a bird, not trapped in a cage, but a bird with wounded feathers, wanted to make a fly but just couldn’t move its wings. It’s all started since the day I’ve graduated. Nothing seems to be exciting anymore. I just don’t know, I was searching for something beyond that I’ve lost track of time. When I look back it seems that I’ve wasted a lot of time chasing for something that’s never real.
There’s something bothering me in my head with questions and doubts that I couldn’t really decipher at this moment. I have to admit at times I just wanted to pack my things, sneak out of the house when everyone asleep and never ever returns back. Completely disappear from everyone and start everything all over again at a different place with different people where nobody knows me, but it ain’t that easy as it seems. I love these people too much that I can’t bear to leave them behind.
I’m still there, on top of the cliff. It’s just a matter of time for me to gain enough energy to make a jump but I won’t because when the last time I was there, God send me someone that came and grab my hands, someone that assured me that I can still fly even with broken wings. Indeed God has always been benevolent towards me.
For now, I’m still waiting for a signal that could set me free from all this insanity that brings me to this place, waiting for that someone to come, grab my hands and teach me how to fly again.
And so I’ll wait because I have all the faith in the world....
#606
20120128 @ Saturday, January 28, 2012
"Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Time takes it all, time bears it away. And in the end, there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again." - Stephen King
#605 - Happy Birthday, Midget.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Yes, happy birthday to you. I thought, I would write you some sort of 'letter' in blog form. So here it goes.
Okay I've got nothing.
I find it rather tragic that we never really knew each other in Form 2, cause I know if we did, we'd plan mischief things and laugh our asses off night and day. That doesn't seem to matter now. I'm glad that we were in 4SJ and also in the 3C/D moral class. We got to know each other better, which in my case was an extremely good thing. I used to think you were a small little package of annoyance (I tell it as it is) and you used to piss me off with your hyper-activeness and your screams. homagad, your screams. At one point, I started to admire how the gang put up with you. I would have just ignored you all the way. but then after actually getting to know you, there was more than meets the eye.
You're no longer that small package of annoyance, you are now a small package of extraordinary things.
I'll miss our awkward secrets, and the epic conversations. How we vent out on each other, and then end up laughing like hyenas. I'll miss how you used to trade seats with Cynta. I love our Squirtle moments, the best :)
Hopefully, we'll all get to have Teh Tarik together and screw his brain in.
To end all that sappy-ness ;
You're old now. You're 16. How does that feel? I don't know if I was the first to wish you, but yeah. Y'know I love you, right?
I might just buy you some of that fruit smelling soap from Australia, as your
Happy Birthday, you douche. Carpe diem and press on, yeah.
Kai :)
20120127 @ Friday, January 27, 2012
Everyone says Taemin can dance. He can, he's just not as good as Kai.
I'm an Exoplanet fan. It's official
#603 - Will You Dance With Me?
20120126 @ Thursday, January 26, 2012
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.
I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. >From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.
How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched ' Jeopardy ' on television?
I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain.' And my personal favourite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.
Because we cram so much into our lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!
We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet... We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.
Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'
When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord..
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-Decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.
Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?
Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.
Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butter fly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask ' How are you?' Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi?
When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away..... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.
To all my readers - 'Life may not be the party we hoped for.. but while we are here we might as well dance'
#602
20120125 @ Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Emotional pain. You can't see it, like you can see a broken bone, a pale face, an open wound. It's in your head, easy to hide because no one else can see it unless you allow them to see it. It's physical internally, a sick stomach, a tightness in the chest, exhaustion. It can be crippling, an inability to move. You can protect yourself from it with defenses invisible to the eye. It can hit you like a disease, cover you like a shadow, embrace you like a demon.
None of us are immune to it, none of us strangers to it. Some of us break from it, some of us are stronger for it. All of us do everything we can to protect ourselves from it. It has a way of making us feel alone, because even though we know we are not the only ones to face adversity, we are a world unto ourselves and no one else sees the world quite the way we do.
The way I tend to respond to emotional pain is to shut down. It's a protection mechanism that I developed a long time ago, and as they say old habits die hard.
This is what I've come to understand: Shutting down to protect yourself may protect your heart, but what is life if you have no one to share it with? The moments I remember most are the moments I spent with others. Opening up your heart leaves you vulnerable to pain. If you never open your heart though, you'll never find joy either.
You never really can fix a heart, once they're broken they're never the same. The jagged edges can scrape your insides raw. It's kind of like my favorite old book though, or my worn, ripped up jeans - just because they're used doesn't mean they're not good anymore.
#601
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
"Do you ever wonder whether people would like you more or less if they could see inside you? ...I always wonder about that. If people could see me the way I see myself - if they could live in my memories - would anyone, anyone, love me?" - John Green
This sentence got to me.
Save Janet
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
#599 - A Valley of Secrets
20120124 @ Tuesday, January 24, 2012
For once, I want someone to be afraid to lose me. I'm always the one who is terrified of losing the person that I hold close, but I just don't see anyone who would ever fight to keep me in their life.
Someday no one will remember that I ever existed, I wrote in my notebook, and then, or that I do. Because memories fall apart, too. And then you're left with nothing. Left not even with a ghost, but with its shadow. In the beginning, he had haunted me, haunted my dreams, but even now, just weeks later, he was slipping away, falling apart in my memory, and everyone else's. Dying again.
Perhaps it is all my fault. Maybe I loved too much. Maybe I prayed too hard.
#598 - Girl's Night (Day 1)
20120123 @ Monday, January 23, 2012
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| Nerds can be SEXY. |
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| Retarded zoomed in picture of me |
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| Alexandria Sonia wanted a 'couple' picture, there you go. |
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| Another 'It Gets Better' sign |
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| A group photo of the four musketeers at MidValley |
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| They bought me a cake. It was yummyicious. |
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| Another picture with Sonia |
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| Group photo with the cake =) |
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| A picture with the cake |
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| Funny faces ftw. |
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| These douches (Y) |
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| Nerds gone sexy |
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| Sneakers ftw |
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| The food court closed? dang. |
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| Some random ass shit. |
This was only Day 1. homagad. We goin' bowling at Kiara Club in about 15 minutes. Oh yeah =)
I love em'
Labels: Photographic Evidence
#597 - Girls Night
20120122 @ Sunday, January 22, 2012
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| Rebekah, Sonia and me waiting for Esther to enlighten us with her presence =) |
A much needed Girls Night with Esther, Rebekah and Sonia. Although it's still day, night is coming soon. You shall have to wait for more pictures =)
Note : Heading off to Midvalley later, then bowling at Kiara Club tomorrow. Not only that, have to attend a barbeque at Sham aunt's house, time for some hot guys. Only going to attend that if I decide to abandon these rascals =)
Labels: Photographic Evidence
#596 - Sudden clarity.
20120121 @ Saturday, January 21, 2012
"We reach a point where, in order to go on, we have to wipe the slate clean. We start to see ourselves as a box that we're trapped inside and no matter how we try and escape, self help, therapy, drugs, we just sink further and further down. The only way to truly break out of the box is to get rid of it all together... I mean, you built it in the first place. If the people around you are breaking your spirit, who needs them? Your wife who pretends to love you, your son who can't even stand you. I mean, put them out of their misery. Starting over isn't crazy. Crazy is being miserable and walking around half asleep, numb, day after day after day. Crazy is pretending to be happy. Pretending that the way things are is the way they have to be for the rest of your bleeding life. All the potential, hope, all that joy, feeling, all that passion that life has sucked out of you. Reach out, grab a hold of it and snatch it back from that bloodsucking rabble. "
I'm not okay, not at all, the truth is, I'm missing something. The thing I loved the most, the face I wish were in the front row right now, the brother I'll never get back. So what do I do with that? What do any of us do? Besides lie. This is what I believe, right now, in this auditorium, there is someone who is with you, someone who is willing to pick you up, dust you off, kiss you, forgive you, put up with you, wait for you, carry you, love you. So while everything may not be okay, one thing I know is true, you do not have to be alone.
Ever since the 27th of July last year, I've numbed myself. I numbed myself and put all emotion on pause. I put on an act of actually feeling emotion, for instance I fake cried, I faked grief, and I now realize that my acting skills are pretty darn good. He told me once when we were talking about his brother, he said "Sometimes you get to a point of depression when you just stop feeling it. You stop feeling anything. It's hard to go back from there." It's funny how I can remember most of the things he used to say, and just replay the way he says it in my head. It's funny how I know I miss him, yet I just can't feel it. Now, I'm trying to un-pause that but I'm failing. People say it's cause I haven't accepted what happened, fact is I haven't. I'm trying to but I haven't sully accepted it. I have moments of sudden clarity, like today. I went to an auditorium with a few friends to watch dancers street dance on a stage. A moment of sudden clarity.
I went to watch a movie with mum titled, The Beaver. One of the best movies I've seen. Sudden clarity.
I only realize now that these moments, are just moments. After about 10 minutes of sudden clarity, I just go back to being numb.
Is it even possible to un-numb myself again?
#595 - Sirens and Silhouettes
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Please show your support for the Interact Club of Sri Aman's project to raise awareness for suicide prevention : Sirens for Silhouettes. Take a picture of yourself, your friends, your parents, your dog, cat or goldfish with a sign saying "It Gets Better" then email it to me. We'll include your photos in the video we're compiling for the event which we'll post online AND play during the event itself! Please show your support. Thank you and Viva la Interact =)
#593 - Letters I Will Never Send
20120120 @ Friday, January 20, 2012
#592 - A Strange Reminder
20120119 @ Thursday, January 19, 2012
I lost you. You were like a twin brother I never had. You just left me. Just like that. One minute, we’re playing with sand on the beach, the next, you’re gone. Gone.
Every time I think of you, I can’t help but cry. I miss you. Although we were so young, you still meant a lot to me. Oh, remember once we hid under the beds on one of our trips and our parents and siblings went around looking for us? And they found us, laughing under the beds. Remember when we used to beg for coins for those egg machines? We’d end up losing the toys the next day anyway. Remember when we fought for the Garfield plush in the fun fair? Daddy had to play the game over and over again just to win another one so we’d both have one. I had a dream about our trip that day, the day you left. Scratch that, it wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare.
Kim Jong Illah, China, Africa and George Bushy
20120118 @ Wednesday, January 18, 2012
#589 - Ellen Degeneres
Monday, January 16, 2012
“Love saves me. Love really does heal you. And I think that her love for me is so uncoditional that it actually makes me feel like maybe I should kind of start accepting myself for exactly who I am because she seems to. I love her and I am very proud to be her wife. And I made up my name. I made up thi name because I thought it was important to be independent of my family and kind of be an individual. And as I’ve gotten older, I realized the sense of belonging, and I really wanted to be part of Ellen’s family. And I am, but I think just solidifying that by taking her name makes me feel - makes me feel like I have a family.” Portia de Rossi.
“She loves me no matter what, and she loves how I look. She wants me to be happy and never think about other sad things.” Ellen Degeneres
#588 - Muscle Counting
Monday, January 16, 2012
Things just got complicated.
To distract myself, I tried to count his muscles...
#365 Secrets - #1
20120114 @ Saturday, January 14, 2012
I know it's a little too late, but it's still okay. #365 Secrets, is one of my New Years resolutions. Don't worry, it's pretty random. I ain't going to post my secrets up, okay some of em are aight, but there are things that will never get out. Nyeh.
Me.
Labels: 365 Secrets
#585 - The Great Dane Love
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Lily is a Great Dane that has been blind since a bizarre medical condition required that she have both eyes removed. For the last 5 years, Maddison, another Great Dane, has been her sight. The two are, of course, inseparable.
#584 - Toxic
Saturday, January 14, 2012
I have come to discover that there are plenty of toxic human beings around. You wouldn't believe it of them. I was fooled for a long period of time. I was led to believe that they would never be the toxic kind. How wrong I was! So many people were fooled, and are still fooled.
It is sad when you find out that people around you are insincere and not what they seem. You become wary of the things that proceed from their mouths and you wonder if any good they do has an ulterior motive. You question and you hesitate to accept their words and actions. This is no way to have a relationship of any kind.
It is doubly sad when one of these people turn out to be your so-called friend. Sometimes you would want to believe that it is not true, that it is just a circumstance that seem bad. Sometimes you would think, perhaps I misunderstood the whole situation. And then your so-called friend went and proved that you were right in the first place. No need to doubt anymore.
And I find this extremely sad.
- Christina Chan
#583 - Malcolme Commercial
20120113 @ Friday, January 13, 2012
Lepaked with these two comelities. Scratch that, hanging out with everyone as much as possible before I leave. Mostly Malcolm lah, Kah Ming too busy with Interact and all. Whaii they so comel? Amagad. Yet they can be such asses at times...I am going to use my Malaysian accent and eat as much Malaysian food as possible! =)
Some Korean lady came to the house today, she watched PTB with me =) she wore so many layers of clothes, I dont know how she didn't feel hot.
I haven't even started packing. shit. Next week is my last week at school, nyeh.
[Note : This was a rushed post using the Iphone, therefore it's similar to crap.]
34 Days to go.
#PrayforSyia
20120112 @ Thursday, January 12, 2012
When I look at my life sometimes I think it looks like a beautiful painting in progress. Something that when I finish I will stand back from and be proud. I believe I was given my set of skills to finish this painting, and that nobody else in the world can.
When it is done I can imagine looking at my painting in a mahogany frame on a whitewashed wall of a museum in the perfect setting; appreciating every detail. I can also imagine that same painting in a hand made home in the wilderness hanging on a rusty nail and finding it equally worthwhile.
When it's in the right light I tell myself to always remember that I find the piece beautiful.
Then some days I wake up and someone has changed the lighting.
The soft white daylight can be changed to a violent yellow, or a repugnant green. All of a sudden the entire landscape takes on a loathsome nature. I can't see so many parts of the painting, but the ugliest are impossible to ignore. On these days I can't even think of a reason to finish the piece, to even pick up a brush.
Sometimes nobody comes back to change the lighting for weeks. Sometimes It's fixed the next day. There's no way of knowing.
When it is done I can imagine looking at my painting in a mahogany frame on a whitewashed wall of a museum in the perfect setting; appreciating every detail. I can also imagine that same painting in a hand made home in the wilderness hanging on a rusty nail and finding it equally worthwhile.
When it's in the right light I tell myself to always remember that I find the piece beautiful.
Then some days I wake up and someone has changed the lighting.
The soft white daylight can be changed to a violent yellow, or a repugnant green. All of a sudden the entire landscape takes on a loathsome nature. I can't see so many parts of the painting, but the ugliest are impossible to ignore. On these days I can't even think of a reason to finish the piece, to even pick up a brush.
Sometimes nobody comes back to change the lighting for weeks. Sometimes It's fixed the next day. There's no way of knowing.
Note : Dear thoughts, Y U NO let me sleep?
Another note : I don't know who this Syia girl is, she someone from my form yet i dont know who she is, anyway she has a lung infection. I hope you get better, although you probably will never read this lah kan? but yeah, it gets better. #prayforSyia
Bucketlist Boys
Thursday, January 12, 2012
I want to do this before I die.. #likeaboss