#603 - Will You Dance With Me?
20120126 @ Thursday, January 26, 2012
Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.
I got to thinking one day about all those women on the Titanic who passed up dessert at dinner that fateful night in an effort to cut back. >From then on, I've tried to be a little more flexible.
How many women out there will eat at home because their husband didn't suggest going out to dinner until after something had been thawed? Does the word 'refrigeration' mean nothing to you?
How often have your kids dropped in to talk and sat in silence while you watched ' Jeopardy ' on television?
I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, 'How about going to lunch in a half hour?' She would gas up and stammer, 'I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday, I had a late breakfast, It looks like rain.' And my personal favourite: 'It's Monday.' She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.
Because we cram so much into our lives, we tend to schedule our headaches. We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!
We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Steve toilet-trained. We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet... We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.
Life has a way of accelerating as we get older. The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer. One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of 'I'm going to,' 'I plan on,' and 'Someday, when things are settled down a bit.'
When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord..
My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-Decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.
Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list. If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?
Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.
Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground? Ever followed a butter fly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night? Do you run through each day on the fly? When you ask ' How are you?' Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head? Ever told your child, 'We'll do it tomorrow.' And in your haste, not see his sorrow? Ever lost touch? Let a good friendship die? Just call to say 'Hi?
When you worry and hurry through your day, it is like an unopened gift....Thrown away..... Life is not a race. Take it slower. Hear the music before the song is over.
To all my readers - 'Life may not be the party we hoped for.. but while we are here we might as well dance'
#602
20120125 @ Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Emotional pain. You can't see it, like you can see a broken bone, a pale face, an open wound. It's in your head, easy to hide because no one else can see it unless you allow them to see it. It's physical internally, a sick stomach, a tightness in the chest, exhaustion. It can be crippling, an inability to move. You can protect yourself from it with defenses invisible to the eye. It can hit you like a disease, cover you like a shadow, embrace you like a demon.
None of us are immune to it, none of us strangers to it. Some of us break from it, some of us are stronger for it. All of us do everything we can to protect ourselves from it. It has a way of making us feel alone, because even though we know we are not the only ones to face adversity, we are a world unto ourselves and no one else sees the world quite the way we do.
The way I tend to respond to emotional pain is to shut down. It's a protection mechanism that I developed a long time ago, and as they say old habits die hard.
This is what I've come to understand: Shutting down to protect yourself may protect your heart, but what is life if you have no one to share it with? The moments I remember most are the moments I spent with others. Opening up your heart leaves you vulnerable to pain. If you never open your heart though, you'll never find joy either.
You never really can fix a heart, once they're broken they're never the same. The jagged edges can scrape your insides raw. It's kind of like my favorite old book though, or my worn, ripped up jeans - just because they're used doesn't mean they're not good anymore.
#601
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
"Do you ever wonder whether people would like you more or less if they could see inside you? ...I always wonder about that. If people could see me the way I see myself - if they could live in my memories - would anyone, anyone, love me?" - John Green
This sentence got to me.
Save Janet
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
#599 - A Valley of Secrets
20120124 @ Tuesday, January 24, 2012
For once, I want someone to be afraid to lose me. I'm always the one who is terrified of losing the person that I hold close, but I just don't see anyone who would ever fight to keep me in their life.
Someday no one will remember that I ever existed, I wrote in my notebook, and then, or that I do. Because memories fall apart, too. And then you're left with nothing. Left not even with a ghost, but with its shadow. In the beginning, he had haunted me, haunted my dreams, but even now, just weeks later, he was slipping away, falling apart in my memory, and everyone else's. Dying again.
Perhaps it is all my fault. Maybe I loved too much. Maybe I prayed too hard.
#598 - Girl's Night (Day 1)
20120123 @ Monday, January 23, 2012
 |
| Nerds can be SEXY. |
 |
| Retarded zoomed in picture of me |
 |
| Alexandria Sonia wanted a 'couple' picture, there you go. |
 |
| Another 'It Gets Better' sign |
 |
| A group photo of the four musketeers at MidValley |
 |
| They bought me a cake. It was yummyicious. |
 |
| Another picture with Sonia |
 |
| Group photo with the cake =) |
 |
| A picture with the cake |
 |
| Funny faces ftw. |
 |
| These douches (Y) |
 |
| Nerds gone sexy |
 |
| Sneakers ftw |
 |
| The food court closed? dang. |
 |
| Some random ass shit. |
This was only Day 1. homagad. We goin' bowling at Kiara Club in about 15 minutes. Oh yeah =)
I love em'
Labels: Photographic Evidence
#597 - Girls Night
20120122 @ Sunday, January 22, 2012
 |
| Rebekah, Sonia and me waiting for Esther to enlighten us with her presence =) |
A much needed Girls Night with Esther, Rebekah and Sonia. Although it's still day, night is coming soon. You shall have to wait for more pictures =)
Note : Heading off to Midvalley later, then bowling at Kiara Club tomorrow. Not only that, have to attend a barbeque at Sham aunt's house, time for some hot guys. Only going to attend that if I decide to abandon these rascals =)
Labels: Photographic Evidence
#596 - Sudden clarity.
20120121 @ Saturday, January 21, 2012
"We reach a point where, in order to go on, we have to wipe the slate clean. We start to see ourselves as a box that we're trapped inside and no matter how we try and escape, self help, therapy, drugs, we just sink further and further down. The only way to truly break out of the box is to get rid of it all together... I mean, you built it in the first place. If the people around you are breaking your spirit, who needs them? Your wife who pretends to love you, your son who can't even stand you. I mean, put them out of their misery. Starting over isn't crazy. Crazy is being miserable and walking around half asleep, numb, day after day after day. Crazy is pretending to be happy. Pretending that the way things are is the way they have to be for the rest of your bleeding life. All the potential, hope, all that joy, feeling, all that passion that life has sucked out of you. Reach out, grab a hold of it and snatch it back from that bloodsucking rabble. "
I'm not okay, not at all, the truth is, I'm missing something. The thing I loved the most, the face I wish were in the front row right now, the brother I'll never get back. So what do I do with that? What do any of us do? Besides lie. This is what I believe, right now, in this auditorium, there is someone who is with you, someone who is willing to pick you up, dust you off, kiss you, forgive you, put up with you, wait for you, carry you, love you. So while everything may not be okay, one thing I know is true, you do not have to be alone.
Ever since the 27th of July last year, I've numbed myself. I numbed myself and put all emotion on pause. I put on an act of actually feeling emotion, for instance I fake cried, I faked grief, and I now realize that my acting skills are pretty darn good. He told me once when we were talking about his brother, he said "Sometimes you get to a point of depression when you just stop feeling it. You stop feeling anything. It's hard to go back from there." It's funny how I can remember most of the things he used to say, and just replay the way he says it in my head. It's funny how I know I miss him, yet I just can't feel it. Now, I'm trying to un-pause that but I'm failing. People say it's cause I haven't accepted what happened, fact is I haven't. I'm trying to but I haven't sully accepted it. I have moments of sudden clarity, like today. I went to an auditorium with a few friends to watch dancers street dance on a stage. A moment of sudden clarity.
I went to watch a movie with mum titled, The Beaver. One of the best movies I've seen. Sudden clarity.
I only realize now that these moments, are just moments. After about 10 minutes of sudden clarity, I just go back to being numb.
Is it even possible to un-numb myself again?
#595 - Sirens and Silhouettes
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Please show your support for the Interact Club of Sri Aman's project to raise awareness for suicide prevention : Sirens for Silhouettes. Take a picture of yourself, your friends, your parents, your dog, cat or goldfish with a sign saying "It Gets Better" then email it to me. We'll include your photos in the video we're compiling for the event which we'll post online AND play during the event itself! Please show your support. Thank you and Viva la Interact =)
#593 - Letters I Will Never Send
20120120 @ Friday, January 20, 2012
#592 - A Strange Reminder
20120119 @ Thursday, January 19, 2012
I lost you. You were like a twin brother I never had. You just left me. Just like that. One minute, we’re playing with sand on the beach, the next, you’re gone. Gone.
Every time I think of you, I can’t help but cry. I miss you. Although we were so young, you still meant a lot to me. Oh, remember once we hid under the beds on one of our trips and our parents and siblings went around looking for us? And they found us, laughing under the beds. Remember when we used to beg for coins for those egg machines? We’d end up losing the toys the next day anyway. Remember when we fought for the Garfield plush in the fun fair? Daddy had to play the game over and over again just to win another one so we’d both have one. I had a dream about our trip that day, the day you left. Scratch that, it wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare.
Kim Jong Illah, China, Africa and George Bushy
20120118 @ Wednesday, January 18, 2012
#589 - Ellen Degeneres
Monday, January 16, 2012
“Love saves me. Love really does heal you. And I think that her love for me is so uncoditional that it actually makes me feel like maybe I should kind of start accepting myself for exactly who I am because she seems to. I love her and I am very proud to be her wife. And I made up my name. I made up thi name because I thought it was important to be independent of my family and kind of be an individual. And as I’ve gotten older, I realized the sense of belonging, and I really wanted to be part of Ellen’s family. And I am, but I think just solidifying that by taking her name makes me feel - makes me feel like I have a family.” Portia de Rossi.
“She loves me no matter what, and she loves how I look. She wants me to be happy and never think about other sad things.” Ellen Degeneres
#588 - Muscle Counting
Monday, January 16, 2012
Things just got complicated.
To distract myself, I tried to count his muscles...
#365 Secrets - #1
20120114 @ Saturday, January 14, 2012
I know it's a little too late, but it's still okay. #365 Secrets, is one of my New Years resolutions. Don't worry, it's pretty random. I ain't going to post my secrets up, okay some of em are aight, but there are things that will never get out. Nyeh.
Me.
Labels: 365 Secrets
#585 - The Great Dane Love
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Lily is a Great Dane that has been blind since a bizarre medical condition required that she have both eyes removed. For the last 5 years, Maddison, another Great Dane, has been her sight. The two are, of course, inseparable.
#584 - Toxic
Saturday, January 14, 2012
I have come to discover that there are plenty of toxic human beings around. You wouldn't believe it of them. I was fooled for a long period of time. I was led to believe that they would never be the toxic kind. How wrong I was! So many people were fooled, and are still fooled.
It is sad when you find out that people around you are insincere and not what they seem. You become wary of the things that proceed from their mouths and you wonder if any good they do has an ulterior motive. You question and you hesitate to accept their words and actions. This is no way to have a relationship of any kind.
It is doubly sad when one of these people turn out to be your so-called friend. Sometimes you would want to believe that it is not true, that it is just a circumstance that seem bad. Sometimes you would think, perhaps I misunderstood the whole situation. And then your so-called friend went and proved that you were right in the first place. No need to doubt anymore.
And I find this extremely sad.
- Christina Chan
#583 - Malcolme Commercial
20120113 @ Friday, January 13, 2012
Lepaked with these two comelities. Scratch that, hanging out with everyone as much as possible before I leave. Mostly Malcolm lah, Kah Ming too busy with Interact and all. Whaii they so comel? Amagad. Yet they can be such asses at times...I am going to use my Malaysian accent and eat as much Malaysian food as possible! =)
Some Korean lady came to the house today, she watched PTB with me =) she wore so many layers of clothes, I dont know how she didn't feel hot.
I haven't even started packing. shit. Next week is my last week at school, nyeh.
[Note : This was a rushed post using the Iphone, therefore it's similar to crap.]
34 Days to go.
#PrayforSyia
20120112 @ Thursday, January 12, 2012
When I look at my life sometimes I think it looks like a beautiful painting in progress. Something that when I finish I will stand back from and be proud. I believe I was given my set of skills to finish this painting, and that nobody else in the world can.
When it is done I can imagine looking at my painting in a mahogany frame on a whitewashed wall of a museum in the perfect setting; appreciating every detail. I can also imagine that same painting in a hand made home in the wilderness hanging on a rusty nail and finding it equally worthwhile.
When it's in the right light I tell myself to always remember that I find the piece beautiful.
Then some days I wake up and someone has changed the lighting.
The soft white daylight can be changed to a violent yellow, or a repugnant green. All of a sudden the entire landscape takes on a loathsome nature. I can't see so many parts of the painting, but the ugliest are impossible to ignore. On these days I can't even think of a reason to finish the piece, to even pick up a brush.
Sometimes nobody comes back to change the lighting for weeks. Sometimes It's fixed the next day. There's no way of knowing.
When it is done I can imagine looking at my painting in a mahogany frame on a whitewashed wall of a museum in the perfect setting; appreciating every detail. I can also imagine that same painting in a hand made home in the wilderness hanging on a rusty nail and finding it equally worthwhile.
When it's in the right light I tell myself to always remember that I find the piece beautiful.
Then some days I wake up and someone has changed the lighting.
The soft white daylight can be changed to a violent yellow, or a repugnant green. All of a sudden the entire landscape takes on a loathsome nature. I can't see so many parts of the painting, but the ugliest are impossible to ignore. On these days I can't even think of a reason to finish the piece, to even pick up a brush.
Sometimes nobody comes back to change the lighting for weeks. Sometimes It's fixed the next day. There's no way of knowing.
Note : Dear thoughts, Y U NO let me sleep?
Another note : I don't know who this Syia girl is, she someone from my form yet i dont know who she is, anyway she has a lung infection. I hope you get better, although you probably will never read this lah kan? but yeah, it gets better. #prayforSyia
Bucketlist Boys
Thursday, January 12, 2012
I want to do this before I die.. #likeaboss
LMFAO - Sexy and I Know It *Drum Remix*
20120110 @ Tuesday, January 10, 2012
#579 - Theories
20120109 @ Monday, January 09, 2012
I have theories about what it takes to talk to you again.
I have theories about what normal is supposed to feel like.
I have theories about how many times a heart can be heard.
Just theories.
#578 - Thoughts.
20120108 @ Sunday, January 08, 2012
"Maybe that’s what we look for in the people we love, the spark of unhappiness we think we know how to extinguish"Some people think love is the end of the road, and if you’re lucky enough to find it, you stay there. Other people say it just becomes a cliff you drive off, but most people who’ve been around awhile know it’s just a thing that changes day by day, and depending on how much you fight for it, you get it, or you hold on to it, or you lose it, but sometimes it’s never even there in the first place.
#577 - Family
Sunday, January 08, 2012
Grandad's trip to Adelaide to spend Christmas with Uncle Pete (his son) and family. I miss em'
#576 - Protect the Boss
Sunday, January 08, 2012
"All my life I’ve been impatient. So I will muster all the patience that I haven’t used even once just to wait for you"
-Cha Ji Heon (Protect the Boss)Ji Heon's story in Protect the Boss made me cry... the dude is officially my favourite character, cause I mean who can resist such an asdfghjkl adorable kid?
#575 - Egg Sandwich
20120106 @ Friday, January 06, 2012
Amagad, I should be in Masterchef!
 |
| Eggs =) |
#574 - Whispers
Friday, January 06, 2012
You're not dead, but you're not alive either. Caught in between two worlds. Floating aimlessly between your days. Nothing is real anymore. Maybe nothing ever was.
I don't know if you've ever felt that way. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning. If this gets any worse I might have to go back to the doctor again.
No to Racism.
Friday, January 06, 2012
Found him :)
20120105 @ Thursday, January 05, 2012
One of the dudes in the video is my friend Nick's brother. It has taken me a year to stalk this guy out. He runs his family business but dances part time, therefore earns a huge amount of cash. Anyway, Nick never mentioned his name, only mentioned the fact that he's in PPA therefore not giving me any clues about him. I FOUND HIM! nyeh. In your face.
He's up there, his name is Rookie. I'm not a 100% sure if it's Rookie, but I'm pretty sure cause Nick and him have the same moves and this Rookie guy has a younger bro named Nick, so ...
see where I'm going?.
Next Birthday Present ?
Thursday, January 05, 2012
I want this for my birthday, pleaseeeee..... pretty pretty please with caramel on top ?
570 - Wait.. Wha- ?
Thursday, January 05, 2012
Sometimes life will disappoint us, but we can choose how we react. We have the capacity to evolve, to develop perseverance and strength which will help us through everything.
-Victor Kim
Nothing feels better than a crappy day at school. It's amazing how much one can want to get into a different stream, absolutely amazing. She's been wanting to change streams from arts to sub science ever since I managed to, and attempting to zone out while she was whining was already starting to get to me. Dude, cut the crap and just ask the teacher. So today, she went ahead and did that. No wait, rewind. Monday, we got all our classes after all the changes, Pn. Mages is the teacher in charge or something like that, and so I went to ask her if she could change me from Arts to Sub Science. Everyone was already suprised at the fact that I chose to come to school for the rest of the month, no one asked why but the reasons were because I had to wait for my Sijil Berhenti Sekolah and also because I had nothing to do at home,and now I realize I had made the right decision because at least I would know some Chem, Physics, Add Maths and Mod Maths before I go which would make it easier for me to adjust into the education there... so anyway, this girl started complaining and whining because I managed to switch into sub science, and when she asked she got rejected. Therefore, she decided to make my day miserable by going all "I don't know why she picked you, out of all people she let you get in. You're moving to Australia. You won't even be here for March test... -insert more grumbling and whining here-
After all the drama from yesterday, I was too lazy to face all that again today but I did ... (pats self)
So apparently today, Olivia and her went to see Pn. Mages. Oli wanted to ask her if she could change to accounts from ICT and this girl wanted to ask her if she could change into my class... again and yet again she faced rejection, so I found them at the phone booth, this girl calling her mom and Oli standing behind her. Both of them saw me and then started bitching like they have never done that before... so after all the "..but you don't deserve that place because you're going to Australia..." and similar shit. I was flabbergasted and pissed, quite pissed. So Uthraa somehow noticed my expression while these two just went on and on with their never ending shit, so she stood next to me in order to prevent me from punching them in the face. Yes, I am very emotional at the mo, I think my period is coming soon. shit.
Her prevention was a success right until she told me that she's going to tell Pn. Mages that I'm moving so she can get her place in my class, which didn't really make that much sense cause dude, my class has only 20 people,
I told her that if Pn. Mages knew that I was moving, she might just put me back in arts, only cause I'm going to be in school for a month and wasn't an option for me. her comeback was "Who cares? Who fucking cares? You're only going to be here for a month, I am going to be here for two years. You get everything. You get to study in Australia, while I'm stuck here and you get to go into the stream I want" Oli was just agreeing to everything.
So I calmly said "Tell her. I dare you" and walked away. It didn't make sense what I said, but then it didn't matter to me. I had to end it before my fist gets the better of me. Just when I thought the bad part of the day was over, whilst I was talking to Uthraa, still pissed. Another girl comes, she comes as if she's the most popular girl in school, and everyone fucking person is falling in love with her, she hugs Uthraa and then all of a sudden my cheek starts stinging, at first I didn't realize what happened but once I did, boy was I pissed. I swear if I had no self control, the bitch would have cried herself into depression. Yes this bitch, this fcking bitch slapped me. She fcking SLAPPED ME like she's the mother fucking queen of England. Only because I was leaving her to go to Australia, here's exactly how the conversation went :
girl : -Slaps like she the fcking queen-
Me : -Stares and then glares-
girl : You're leaving me. -pout-
Me : So?
Girl : You're leaving me -pouts-
Me : Dude, do I seriously look like I give shit?
Girl : -walks away emoly-
I mean how exactly am I supposed to act around her after the shit she did. Yes, though it was 2 years ago, it still is shit. Does she really think I'm still close to her? Why would I even care if I'm leaving her? We don't even talk. Okay, we do but the word limit is well limited. Plus, most of the time I ignore her and she ends up walking away. Therefore meaning that I really don't give shit about this bitch who for some reason thinks she has the right to slap me.
I would have typed their names out but then I just want to forget about it.People think I'm heartless because I bitch about people on my blog, without any discretion. I never asked for your opinion, thank you very much.
To end my essay, I shall say that I officially suck at Maths because each time I count the amount of days left till I leave, I get a different number. So now I am going to just state the weeks I have left, it involves less counting.
42 Days left.
Fear, isolation and violence that only YOU can help to take away...
Thursday, January 05, 2012
Thursday, January 05, 2012
― Gabrielle Zevin, Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac