Rebekah, Sonia and me waiting for Esther to enlighten us with her presence =)

A much needed Girls Night with Esther, Rebekah and Sonia. Although it's still day, night is coming soon. You shall have to wait for more pictures =)

Note : Heading off to Midvalley later, then bowling at Kiara Club tomorrow. Not only that, have to attend a barbeque at Sham aunt's house, time for some hot guys. Only going to attend that if I decide to abandon these rascals =)

Labels: Photographic Evidence

"We reach a point where, in order to go on, we have to wipe the slate clean. We start to see ourselves as a box that we're trapped inside and no matter how we try and escape, self help, therapy, drugs, we just sink further and further down. The only way to truly break out of the box is to get rid of it all together... I mean, you built it in the first place. If the people around you are breaking your spirit, who needs them? Your wife who pretends to love you, your son who can't even stand you. I mean, put them out of their misery. Starting over isn't crazy. Crazy is being miserable and walking around half asleep, numb, day after day after day. Crazy is pretending to be happy. Pretending that the way things are is the way they have to be for the rest of your bleeding life. All the potential, hope, all that joy, feeling, all that passion that life has sucked out of you. Reach out, grab a hold of it and snatch it back from that bloodsucking rabble. "

  I'm not okay, not at all, the truth is, I'm missing something. The thing I loved the most, the face I wish were in the front row right now, the brother I'll never get back. So what do I do with that? What do any of us do? Besides lie. This is what I believe, right now, in this auditorium, there is someone who is with you, someone who is willing to pick you up, dust you off, kiss you, forgive you, put up with you, wait for you, carry you, love you. So while everything may not be okay, one thing I know is true, you do not have to be alone. 


Ever since the 27th of July last year, I've numbed myself. I  numbed myself and put all emotion on pause. I put on an act of actually feeling emotion, for instance I fake cried, I faked grief, and I now realize that my acting skills are pretty darn good. He told me once when we were talking about his brother, he said "Sometimes you get to a point of depression when you just stop feeling it. You stop feeling anything. It's hard to go back from there." It's funny how I can remember most of the things he used to say, and just replay the way he says it in my head. It's funny how I know I miss him, yet I just can't feel it. Now, I'm trying to un-pause that but I'm failing. People say it's cause I haven't accepted what happened, fact is I haven't. I'm trying to but I haven't sully accepted it. I have moments of sudden clarity, like today. I went to an auditorium with a few friends to watch dancers street dance on a stage. A moment of sudden clarity.
I went to watch a movie with mum titled, The Beaver. One of the best movies I've seen. Sudden clarity.


I only realize now that these moments, are just moments. After about 10 minutes of sudden clarity, I just go back to being numb.
Is it even possible to un-numb myself again?

Hello there, 
Please show your support for the Interact Club of Sri Aman's project to raise awareness for suicide prevention : Sirens for Silhouettes. Take a picture of yourself, your friends, your parents, your dog, cat or goldfish with a sign saying "It Gets Better" then email it to me. We'll include your photos in the video we're compiling for the event which we'll post online AND play during the event itself! Please show your support. Thank you and Viva la Interact =)

Labels: Photographic Evidence

I awoke this morning feeling heavy, like there was too much gravity pressing down on my heart. So I wrote you another letter. I wanted to tell you everything, explain all that had happened, but there wasn't enough paper in the drawer, and my veins were running out of ink, and I just couldn't tell you any of it. I couldn't show you any of it. I felt your finger tips on my skin, and the feeling stayed with me like a scar. I have such terrible days where I feel as though even the sound of breathing is like sandpaper against my skin, and all the while I've been making excuses why I couldn't eat my blueberry muffin, or get coffee . I feel too much again. Everything I see moves me, even after all of this trying. I wrote, and wrote. I told you how I enjoyed your company, how you kept me warm, how I missed you even when I was with you, how that awful moment came when I could positively feel myself growing to depend on the presence of another human being. Of you. I wish I could send these letters, but they aren't enough anymore. Nothing is enough anymore. 

Something reminded me of you today. I remember when we used to spend almost everyday together, playing video games especially, I would lose almost every 2 player game we played together, and even if I won you would claim that you let me me win. And when we played one player games, you’d get so impatient watching me play cause I just suck. When our parents would buy junk food for us at the rest stops during our road trips, we always promise to share but we end up fighting for the pack anyway. And when we used to draw each other birthday cards even though we didn’t even know when our birthdays were.

I lost you. You were like a twin brother I never had. You just left me. Just like that. One minute, we’re playing with sand on the beach, the next, you’re gone. Gone.

Every time I think of you, I can’t help but cry. I miss you. Although we were so young, you still meant a lot to me. Oh, remember once we hid under the beds on one of our trips and our parents and siblings went around looking for us? And they found us, laughing under the beds. Remember when we used to beg for coins for those egg machines? We’d end up losing the toys the next day anyway. Remember when we fought for the Garfield plush in the fun fair? Daddy had to play the game over and over again just to win another one so we’d both have one. I had a dream about our trip that day, the day you left. Scratch that, it wasn’t a dream, it was a nightmare.

Labels: 365 Secrets

“Life is often compared to a marathon, but I think it is more like being a sprinter; long stretches of hard work punctuated by brief moments in which we are given the opportunity to perform at our best” - Michael Johnson

Labels: 365 Secrets

I know it's a little too late, but it's still okay. #365 Secrets, is one of my New Years resolutions. Don't worry, it's pretty random. I ain't going to post my secrets up, okay some of em are aight, but there are things that will never get out. Nyeh.
Me.

Labels: 365 Secrets

I have come to discover that there are plenty of toxic human beings around. You wouldn't believe it of them. I was fooled for a long period of time. I was led to believe that they would never be the toxic kind. How wrong I was! So many people were fooled, and are still fooled.
It is sad when you find out that people around you are insincere and not what they seem. You become wary of the things that proceed from their mouths and you wonder if any good they do has an ulterior motive. You question and you hesitate to accept their words and actions. This is no way to have a relationship of any kind.
It is doubly sad when one of these people turn out to be your so-called friend. Sometimes you would want to believe that it is not true, that it is just a circumstance that seem bad. Sometimes you would think, perhaps I misunderstood the whole situation. And then your so-called friend went and proved that you were right in the first place. No need to doubt anymore.
And I find this extremely sad.
- Christina Chan

  Lepaked with these two comelities. Scratch that, hanging out with everyone as much as possible before I leave. Mostly Malcolm lah, Kah Ming too busy with Interact and all. Whaii they so comel? Amagad. Yet they can be such asses at times...
I am going to use my Malaysian accent and eat as much Malaysian food as possible! =)

Some Korean lady came to the house today, she watched PTB with me =) she wore so many layers of clothes,  I dont know how she didn't feel hot.
I haven't even started packing. shit. Next week is my last week at school, nyeh.

[Note : This was a rushed post using the Iphone, therefore it's similar to crap.]

34 Days to go. 

"Maybe that’s what we look for in the people we love, the spark of unhappiness we think we know how to extinguish"

Some people think love is the end of the road, and if you’re lucky enough to find it, you stay there. Other people say it just becomes a cliff you drive off, but most people who’ve been around awhile know it’s just a thing that changes day by day, and depending on how much you fight for it, you get it, or you hold on to it, or you lose it, but sometimes it’s never even there in the first place.

 "All my life I’ve been impatient. So I will muster all the patience that I haven’t used even once just to wait for you"

           -Cha Ji Heon (Protect the Boss) 

Ji Heon's story in Protect the Boss made me cry... the dude is officially my favourite character, cause I mean who can resist such an asdfghjkl adorable kid?

I have successfully made an egg sandwich without either accidentally stabbing myself (trust me, you don't feel the pain at first but later it gets annoying) or burning the kitchen down. I have to say, it tastes pretty darn good.
Amagad, I should be in Masterchef!

Eggs =)

You're not dead, but you're not alive either. Caught in between two worlds. Floating aimlessly between your days. Nothing is real anymore. Maybe nothing ever was. 
I don't know if you've ever felt that way. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. That's why I'm trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning. If this gets any worse I might have to go back to the doctor again.

Dear mom, dad or Rynn :)
I want this for my birthday, pleaseeeee..... pretty pretty please with caramel on top ?



I want me some pair of Victor Kings :B

Sometimes life will disappoint us, but we can choose how we react. We have the capacity to evolve, to develop perseverance and strength which will help us through everything.

 -Victor Kim

Nothing feels better than a crappy day at school. It's amazing how much one can want to get into a different stream, absolutely amazing. She's been wanting to change streams from arts to sub science ever since I managed to, and attempting to zone out while she was whining was already starting to get to me. Dude, cut the crap and just ask the teacher. So today, she went ahead and did that. No wait, rewind. Monday, we got all our classes after all the changes, Pn. Mages is the teacher in charge or something like that, and so I went to ask her if she could change me from Arts to Sub Science. Everyone was already suprised at the fact that I chose to come to school for the rest of the month, no one asked why but the reasons were because I had to wait for my Sijil Berhenti Sekolah and also because I had nothing to do at home,and now I realize I had made the right decision because at least I would know some Chem, Physics, Add Maths and Mod Maths before I go which would make it easier for me to adjust into the education there... so anyway, this girl started complaining and whining because I managed to switch into sub science, and when she asked she got rejected.   Therefore, she decided to make my day miserable by going all "I don't know why she picked you, out of all people she let you get in. You're moving to Australia. You won't even be here for March test... -insert more grumbling and whining here-  
After all the drama from yesterday, I was too lazy to face all that again today but I did ... (pats self)  


So apparently today, Olivia and her went to see Pn. Mages. Oli wanted to ask her if she could change to accounts from ICT and this girl wanted to ask her if she could change into my class... again and yet again she faced rejection, so I found them at the phone booth, this girl calling her mom and Oli standing behind her. Both of them saw me and then started bitching like they have never done that before... so after all the "..but you don't deserve that place because you're going to Australia..." and similar shit. I was flabbergasted and pissed, quite pissed. So Uthraa somehow noticed my expression while these two just went on and on with their never ending shit, so she stood next to me in order to prevent me from punching them in the face. Yes, I am very emotional at the mo, I think my period is coming soon. shit. 
Her prevention was a success right until she told me that she's going to tell Pn. Mages that I'm moving so she can get her place in my class, which didn't really make that much sense cause dude, my class has only 20 people, 20 freaking people.   
I told her that if Pn. Mages knew that I was moving, she might just put me back in arts, only cause I'm going to be in school for a month and wasn't an option for me. her comeback was "Who cares? Who fucking cares? You're only going to be here for a month, I am going to be here for two years. You get everything. You get to study in Australia, while I'm stuck here and you get to go into the stream I want" Oli was just agreeing to everything.
So I calmly said "Tell her. I dare you" and walked away. It didn't make sense what I said, but then it didn't matter to me. I had to end it before my fist gets the better of me. Just when I thought the bad part of the day was over, whilst I was talking to Uthraa, still pissed. Another girl comes, she comes as if she's the most popular girl in school, and everyone fucking person is falling in love with her, she hugs Uthraa and then all of a sudden my cheek starts stinging, at first I didn't realize what happened but once I did, boy was I pissed. I swear if I had no self control, the bitch would have cried herself into depression. Yes this bitch, this fcking bitch slapped me. She fcking SLAPPED ME like she's the mother fucking queen of England. Only because I was leaving her to go to Australia, here's exactly how the conversation went :


girl  : -Slaps like she the fcking queen-
Me  :  -Stares and then glares-
girl  : You're leaving me. -pout-
Me  : So?
Girl  : You're leaving me -pouts-
Me  : Dude, do I seriously look like I give shit?
Girl : -walks away emoly-


I mean how exactly am I supposed to act around her after the shit she did. Yes, though it was 2 years ago, it still is shit. Does she really think I'm still close to her? Why would I even care if I'm leaving her? We don't even talk. Okay, we do but the word limit is well limited. Plus, most of the time I ignore her and she ends up walking away. Therefore meaning that I really don't give shit about this bitch who for some reason thinks she has the right to slap me. 


 I would have typed their names out but then I just want to forget about it.People think I'm heartless because I bitch about people on my blog, without any discretion.   I never asked for your opinion, thank you very much. 


To end my essay, I shall say that I officially suck at Maths because each time I count the amount of days left till I leave, I get a different number. So now I am going to just state the weeks I have left, it involves less counting.

42 Days left.

Fear, isolation and violence that only YOU can help to take away...: The fight for survival is a daily battle for refugees and asylum seekers in Malaysia. Coming from countries such as Burma, refugees are forced to flee from their homelands in pursuit of safety from oppressive conditions such as confiscation of homes, forced labor, systematic rape and torture. However, their efforts to gain freedom in Malaysia are short-lived due to discrimination from local employers. Refugees and asylum seekers work in situations where they face verbal and physical abuse from employers, low/unpaid wages, and long working hours in exploitative conditions. Question is, where is the humanity in all of this?Agree to stand up against forced labor and human trafficking by signing a Petition Letter to the Prime Minister of Malaysia today! Petition available here : http://chn.ge/heimalaysiapetition

“It happens, baby." Dad nodded and patted me on the hand, and then he read my mind. "You forget all of it anyway. First, you forget everything you learned - the dates of the Hay-Herran Treaty and the Pythagorean Theorem. You especially forget everything you didn't really learn, but just memorized the night before. You forget the names of all but one or two of your teachers, and eventually you'll forget those, too. You forget your junior class schedule and where you used to sit and your best friend's home phone number and the lyrics to that song you must have played a million times. For me, it was something by Simon & Garfunkel. Who knows what it will be for you? And eventually, but slowly, oh so slowly, you forget your humiliations - even the ones that seemed indelible just fade away. You forget who was cool and who was not, who was pretty, smart, and athletic, and not. Who went to a good college. Who threw the best parties. Who could get you pot. You forget all of them. Even the ones you said you loved, and even the ones you actually did. They're the last to go. And then once you've forgotten enough, you love someone else.” 
― Gabrielle Zevin, Memoirs of a Teenage Amnesiac

If you asked me how I’m doing, I would say I’m doing just fine.I would lie & say that you’re not on my mind.But I go out & I sit at a table set for two.& finall I’m forced to face the truth, no matter what I say,I’m not over you.

 Nyeh. That song is stuck in my head.Today was the first day of school for the year.  It was okay, Cynta sits next to me just like in 2010. We made friends with the new girl, her name's Natasya and wears Vans to school. I am speechless. She's like Miguel, where to them Vans is as cheap as Bata and Bata is probably like japanese slippers to them. He still owes me my pair of shoes :(  She was a little awkward at first, but after a while she was okay. Quiet girl. She told Cynta and me that we were weird and both of us were like, you don't know yet.


Anyway, here are some peektures from New Year's. Going to miss these monkeys a lot. Can't wait for Girls Night with em' douches, and after that I've got a night with Titanium and then depending on the amount of days left, might get people to stay at my place for a night. People keep asking what I did on New Year's Eve, and I go "I went to church" then they give me that look. That oh you so holy look. Bitch please, let me spend my NYE the way I want to aight?. Ending a year in church is nice. I had the people I treasure with me, and I say that ending the year partying in church, was way more fun than going to a party, but then again I'm #justsaying. We didn't exactly party, but we sure as hell had fun.  I'm going to miss my Malaysians.

You ever get that feeling? Like you're probably about to fuck everything up? And you feel like shouting "Don't do it!" at yourself every single minute before you do, and ultimately it does nothing to save you from ruining your own happiness. I can feel it coming. (Please don't do it.)

"Think back and replay your year; if it doesn’t bring you tears of either joy or sadness, consider it wasted."

Therefore now I can officially say, I'm moving next month. 


HAPPY NEW YEAR PEOPLE!

I love because of you, I hurt because of you.

I want to sit in front of you and open myself up like an over read book. I want to be able to be honest with you and tell you everything that’s been steeping in my head, and in my heart for too long. But I can’t. I’m too afraid to get hurt, to discover the truth – the truth that probably differs from my own. So instead, I’ll sit down and spell out the words and feelings I’m too afraid to look you in the eyes and say.

We had an innocent chance encounter meeting. Nothing special, nothing too note worthy. Our friendly acquaintance banter soon turned into more and at one point I knew I had not only formed a new friendship but one worth enhancing. I don’t know what it was that tipped me off, but there was something – you were something. I wanted to know more about you, discover who you really were and become close with all that was you. It was easier for me to disguise my feelings at first because you were taken. You were with someone else and I knew the boundaries existed. I was not bothered, nor fazed. I had found myself in similar positions beforehand. You were someone else’s and I happily accepted this, I did. If anything, I was just happy to have you by my side as a friend.

Then one day, it was over. You had ended the relationship and you were available again. I had mixed emotions at first: I didn’t want to encroach on your newly single self, your confused mind and your vulnerable state. It wouldn’t be fair. You needed time and space and more importantly a dear friend to turn to, to rely on. I became that dear friend for you. I was more than happy to be her. I wanted to be the ears to your illogical words, the cushion for your irrational thoughts, the reassurance to your questionable doubts. I became all of the above and more – we became each other’s confidant, each other’s go-to, each others emergency call no matter the time of day. In no time we had become each other’s best friends in a new city where we were both strangers only a few months beforehand. Nothing seemed impossible now that I had you by my side. But somehow, even with all this, I wanted more. I wanted you but more than what I already had of you. I wanted our endearing friendship to grow into something else, to be something so much greater than what it already was. I wanted to be that girl that made you look back; that girl that made your heart skip an extra beat; that girl that you held a gaze with for a few seconds longer; that girl you would talk about long after she was gone. I wanted to be your girl but somehow couldn’t find a way to be. Instead, I sat back and listened to you talk about other girls. You would ask my opinion and I would muster up the courage to mask my true feelings and smile while I delivered the lines you wanted to hear. My face wore the brave mask so easily – too easily – while in fact my heart was painted with the true emotions of my yearning.

I tried to push aside all these feelings; tried to trick myself into thinking I was chasing after something that wasn’t worth the hunt. I kept telling myself it would be foolish of me to jeopardize the wonderful friendship we had formed in such a short span of time. I tried to ignore all the little things that made me fall for you in the first place, but in doing so I only grew fonder of you. I kept feeding nutrients to the starving feelings of desire.

And that’s where I still find myself – at a loss. I no longer know what to do, or how to go on. I’m too afraid to tell you with the risk of losing you, and I’m too afraid to let these feelings linger on. Regardless of the decision, I have a sense I will only hurt myself. I don’t know how much longer I can be with you without being with you. I don’t know how much longer I can go on sharing fun filled moments, endless laughter, and standstill time with you. I don’t know how much longer I can bear to look you in the eyes without reaching out to touch your lips; hug you without holding onto you for a little while longer; wake up next to you in bed without cuddling up to your welcoming side. I don’t know how much longer I can go on without me being your girl, you being my guy and us being that couple. I don’t know how much longer I can go on hiding these true feelings from you, remaining dishonest to your always-honest self. I don’t know how much longer I can go on crying true tears to an unknown audience. I don’t know how much longer I can keep on hurting when you have no idea of the pain I’m suffering.

So for now I'll continue to sit back, all the while paying the prices for falling in love with you, my best friend…
-Nicole Loher

You see, that's why I didn't tell you. Cause you would have never been able to do it. Don't get me wrong, Stefan. I don't mind being a bad guy. I'll make all the life and death desicions, while you're busy worrying about collateral damage. I'll even let her hate me for it. But at the end of the day, I'll be the one to keep her alive. 

- Damon Salvatore

 If you're not attracted to him, then clearly we have a problem. I finished watching season 2 of VD and therefore, now am wiping tears. Bravo! Bravo!
I have season 3 downloading and am now stealing Michelle's videos from her External Hard Drive. I've got 49 Days, Big Bang Theory, How I Met Your Mother and some other Korean and English shows. Back to VD,
Episode 21, homagad.
Damon is dying, and I started to freak therefore freaking Rynn out by my freaking. I mean, the dude can't just fcking die. Okay, he didn't die, yet. It ended with him walking away, it's cliche but still if you watched the entire season, you would be freaking out right about now.
No one will be able to calm their tits down.

Every bloody VD fan is on team Stefan, who the hell cares about that son of a bitch?
Other than my Damon moments, Tyler and Caroline need to be together. Who cares if werewolves are out to kill vampires, I mean it's not like Tyler is a werewolf. oh wait. he is. 
It's okay, love never fails right?

I got my hair cut on Christmas Eve, my hair guy... Uncle Harun said he likes experimenting with my hair, making me feel like a lab rat anyway he decided to give me a shaggy cut. That's what he called it. So he cut and cut and cut, then he danced to Temptation, sang and continued cutting. After the whole thing, he was finally satisfied. An older lady dried my hair, and then he came back to do a final check, he trimmed here and there and then said that if I hair dried it, it would look weird. He sent me off saying, "Shaggy hair doesn't need to be cared for, suits your personality. You don't care about anything."
It made little sense, the way he said it but whatever right? He wanted to dye my hair, so I said we'll see.

"I want to know how many scars you have and memorize the shape of your tongue. I want to climb the curve of your lower back and count your vertebrae, your ribs, your fingers, your goosebumps. I want to chart the topography of your anatomy and be fluent in your body language. I want you, entirely."


This is what my imagination gets up to when I'm not paying strict attention.


They walked into the deepest part of me, and saw two doorways. 
One had dark blue light shining underneath the door, but the door had no handle. He opened the other door, needing to budge it with his shoulder to open it (the hinges had started to rust). The walls were a deep red, pulsing slightly. He walked in, finding himself in a hallway. There was a faint humming in the air that grew louder the further down he went. Little golden notes floated in the air past his head. Then, he turned a corner. The floor started seeping with golden melodies. He started running to a final archway. 


Heaving for breath, he stopped short of the very centre of me. The core was filled with beautiful music. It sounded something like a guitar and a piano and a violin, all fused together, with heartbreakingly lovely vocals. The hole he had come to find, had been filled. He dropped to his knees, feeling suddenly useless. All had been for naught. I didn't need saving anymore. So he journeyed back out the way he had come, and when I woke up, he just held me instead. "I'm sorry," he said. "It's okay," I replied. Then he started to fall asleep, humming a familiar tune.