Do You Remember?
20111108 @ Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Dad's shoulders were the highest place on earth,
mom was your hero
and goodbye meant only until tomorrow.
Remember when
getting high meant swinging on the playground
and the only drug you ever knew was paracetamol.
Remember when
lollipops turned into cigarettes,
soda turned into vodka,
kisses turned into sex
and your close friends became strangers.
The world was simpler then
yet we couldn't just wait to grow up.
The Dark Room
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
This room suffocates me.
Please. I beg you. Don't let me drown.
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Guilt
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
the guilt.
When you're so used to doing nothing wrong,
you misplace your defence mechanisms.
The ones that make you strong.
When you're so used to doing only right,
you misplace the fight.
It eats away at you,
the feeling,
the one that reminds you where you should be.
What you should be doing.
It feels like I've misplaced it all.
But really its just the guilt,
making me feel like I've lost my mind.
And finders, keepers.
Fragments
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
My mind is loose change jingling in his back pocket.
I am divided.
Coins here, and coins there; scattered over the floor, the kitchen bench, travelling with him to and from work, click-clicking quietly to the rythm of his walk.
He's away again tonight and the thunder growls, angry at me for being so lonesome, so dependent.
The rain falls harder than usual; angry at me, too.
Telling me to put myself back together. To collect the coins I've scattered everywhere,to lock them safe in a silky draw-string bag, save them until they melt back together again into a lump of gold and silver.
There are no pixies dancing on the roof tonight; no soft pitter-patter of fairies skipping and holding hands, whispering and singing me softly to sleep.
There are only demons jumping hard, stomping, trying to break through the tiles and through the wood and brick, to slide into my dreams and taunt me.
Jeering faces of elves with wide, black eyes; grins that melt into a nightmare and eyebrows that furrow deep into my soul.
I wonder if I'm mad.
Crazy.
I wonder if there was ever a sanity that I could hold to; claim.
If I dropped it somewhere along the way, and it's been trodden on, walked over, pushed into the dirt under the crunch of tires and feet and if there's a layer of grass covering that little treasure now; long lost, long gone.
I wonder if I draw a map and mark it with an X, if I'll ever find it again.
It's tomorrow, now.
Today's sins have been washed from my hands; dirt swirling down the drain in a blur of soap suds, hot water, and dirt. But I haven't slept, and I haven't forgotten.
I don't forget. I can't.
I take note of everything I've done wrong, each corner I've taken while the map marks straight ahead.
Each smile I've forgotten and each laugh that has escaped while the air sits heavily, declaring nothing but sadness.
You read my words and I feel sad; I feel sad that I slip this sadness into your lives, that I steal a smile you need, and it slides away into the air and disperses; forgotten.
I wish I could forget.
I want to cry, but the sky is crying and the thunder is grumbling and the wind is howling and the air is screaming, and it's all too much sadness for me and for you.
Perhaps I'll collect those coins in my dreams tonight, and I'll polish them with the tears of the rain and I'll make something beautiful from such an angry night.
You're all too beautiful for me to bear
Forrest Gump
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Forrest, Forrest Gump is a simple man with little brain activity but good intentions. He struggles through childhood with his best and only friend Jenny. His 'mama' teaches him the ways of life and leaves him to choose his destiny. Forrest joins the army for service in Vietnam, finding new friends called Dan and Bubba, he wins medals, starts a ping-pong craze, creates a famous shrimp fishing fleet, inspires people to jog, create the smiley, write bumper stickers and songs, donating to people and meeting the president several times. However this is all irrelevant to Forrest who can only think of his childhood sweetheart Jenny. Who has messed up her life. Although in the end all he wants to prove is that anyone can love anyone.
"Stupid is what stupid does"
Labels: Reviews
The Last Valentine
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Based on the novel, The Last Valentine, by James Michael Pratt. A young and cynical female journalist learns love may transcend trials and time as she discovers a story that will change her life forever. When war separates lovers on their wedding anniversary Feb. 14, 1944 at LA Union Train Station, Navy pilot Neil Thomas makes a promise he isn't sure he can keep - to return to the train station safe by their next anniversary. For sixty years Caroline Thomas keeps her promise by waiting at the train station until her missing in action husband can finally keep his with the "lost valentine." The message and meaning shows romance and love can be real; worth fighting, and maybe even dying for
This movie, is a must watch. It made me cry,... well almost.
"Now you have my heart. Keep it next to yours and bring it back to me. I will always love you."
Shit Just Got Real
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
We try and run away, but end up running back."
I am completely taken by this band. And especially this song. Thank you, Rynn! :) You've got me addicted.
Carpe Diem and Press On
The Fear.
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
And what if you knew each time you left them, that this could very well be the last time? Every parting could be the last. "What if today is the day we get ripped apart?" How do you cope, having this sickening fear that today is your last day together, what if they die while you're out? You would stop wasting your time fighting. Anger would spark up, and then quickly dissipate with a sadness and a fear to drown it out. Oh god, that raging sea of fear.
You overcome that fear with desire. Every moment means so much more. Everything counts. That last look, that trailing of fingertips across the skin. The way they set down their tea cup. Hearing the sound of their footsteps echoing down a hallway. You pretend that you have all the time in the world, while being painfully aware that you don't. Curling up on the couch together means more than going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant. Commit every sound/smell/feeling to memory. Keep it forever. Hold them with all your heart for as long as you can. Don't miss a second.
Carpe Diem and Press On
The Unforgotten Self
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
I love your laugh. It has such a lazy "It's sunday morning, and I was sleeping in, and you just woke me up" quality to it. I want to put it in a bottle, and store it somewhere inside me, labeled "Things that make me feel good." Because I probably won't get to keep the rest of you. I won't get a single piece of you, so at least let me keep this memory of that laugh. I'll store it next to the way a previous other smiled at me. And the look in the eyes of that stranger that walked past me once. Amongst the millions of good memories, I keep a particular shelf for the ones that seem to actually notice I'm not invisible. I love that laugh. I'd love to have the chance to love the rest of you, but for now, this is all I want.
Me.
Carpe Diem and Press On
Labels: I Wrote This For You
20111107 @ Monday, November 07, 2011
How To Annoy The Living Shit Out of Someone
Monday, November 07, 2011
Remember my last post on how to annoy the living shit out of another person? And remember how I promised that there will be more? Remember?
Yeah, you don’t remember anything huh?
It’s cool. I forgive you for putting me in that state of oblivion. I will not hold any tinge of grudges against you. It is not significant that I hold you responsible for not having any memories regarding something that had happened. The past should be forgotten. And that is also why History should never be a subject in high-schools. Screw you capitalism.
I have no idea what the hell am I even trying to express. Gee, that’s my seventh glass of scotch already? Time flies when you’re getting drunk. On another note, I would like to quote one of my favourite white rappers, Asher Roth. In his words, ‘time isn’t wasted when you’re getting wasted’. Yeah, so don’t waste that drink.
Now, there is a whole other list of venues that I can think of whereby passing your annoyance on to someone at said venue would seem reasonable. Here goes.
Toilets
- i. When using the urinal, look at the guy beside you intensely. When he asks you what the hell your problem is, point to your crotch and say, “How do you use this thing again?”
ii. Inside a cubicle, sing as loud as you can. When someone yells at you to shut your trap, tell ‘em that a recent scientific research had shown that music helps people to pee and poop more efficiently.
iii. Knock on the person in the next cubicle and ask, “Buddy, I need to go back to the future, where’s the button to power up this machine?”
iv. This works only where an automatic hand-dryer is in place. When someone puts their hands under the dryer, wave your finger around the dryer and mutter some spells from Harry Potter and let the dryer starts blowing. Look at the guy and demands that he embraces wizardry.
- i. If you see someone reading one of the Twilight series, go to the fella and tell ‘em, “Bad news, in half an hour’s time, a vampire will come and bite you. But here's the good news, Edward Cullen will be doing the job.”
- ii. Lift up books on the shelves one by one and say, “Dammit, now which one is that bloody secret switch to open up that secret door to that secret chamber?”
- iii. Open a book on nuclear science and laugh uncontrollably so everyone would stare at you. While laughing, tell them: “Damn! This is the funniest shit I’ve ever read!”
- iv. Slide your fingers from left to right on the cover of a book repeatedly. Then shout out, “Dang! How do you switch to the next page?”
Train Stations
- i. At the ticketing counter, insist on buying a return ticket to Hogwarts.
ii. While waiting for trains on the platform, tell someone near you, “I heard that today’s the Train Goddess Sacrifice Day, I wonder who will be pushed onto the tracks when the train comes today.”
iii. When you board the train, look at the person beside you and immediately make a stunned face. This should be followed by a scream and then running out of the train.
iv. Go to everyone in the train, nudge them softly and ask, “So, are you the guy who sells weed?”
Am I a genius or what?
carpe diem and press on
Lost What I Didn't Deserve
20111102 @ Wednesday, November 02, 2011
“I tried to keep my spirits up, when there
was no point in breathing”
Losing Nick was a
tragedy that I could never comprehend. The pain, the grief, the guilt, the
thoughts, the memories were all too unbearable at that moment. There were only
7 people in the entire world, who really know what happened; Mel, Doctor Loi,
Victor, Rynn, Ban Ho, Mr. Shin and myself. I admit, I lied about what happened
and to those who I lied to, I am truly sorry.
One thing that piled on after this incident
was how my friends ‘abandoned’ me. It hurt to see the ones that I thought would
help me go through this, just walk away. I am grateful to Oli, Alya, Sonia and
Rebekah for just being there. I thought I would be able to get through it on my
own, I thought wrong. Although, Alya only found out a month or two later, yet
she understood the fact that saying “He wouldn’t want to see you this way”, “It
wasn’t your fault”, and “I’m sorry for you loss” never worked, at all. In fact,
as the time crept past slowly it started to become annoying.
“Don’t apologize; I lost what I didn’t
deserve.”
Mel and I used to
respond to their apologies, they would give us that look, the look that had
traces of pity, sympathy and sorry. Neither one of us needed that look. Our
response was rather sappy but it was the truth. It was hard, having to lie to
his closest friends; they’re probably going to kill me after reading this. I
know you guys should know the truth but he never wanted you to. I’m sorry.
I also am apologizing
to those friends, who somehow found out that I often went to the hospital; I’m
sorry that I had lied about being sick. I was sick, but that wasn’t the reason
why I went there. In my defense, he made
me do it; yet blaming that on him doesn’t make it right. Sorry.
I remember a few
friends whom started to reduce communicating with me, because apparently, I’m
too emo to hang out with. I didn’t mind most of them avoiding me, but there was
this one friend that told another friend of mine “She’s too emo to hang out
with lately”, something like that. That hurt.
To you, I’m sorry. I
am so sorry for faking a smile during school, knowing that he was in a coma.
I’m so sorry for making you feel that way and I apologize for being emo. I
thought, you out of all people would be one of the friends that would
understand. I’m sorry I was wrong.
If you think you have
figured out what really happened, I doubt you have. Just saying
The truth is I lost
someone I’ve known for a little more than 13 years.
The truth is he gave
me hope.
The truth is he meant
more to me than you can ever imagine.
The truth is I wish I
comforted him when he was going through difficult situations, instead of just ranting about my day.
The truth is I wish I
didn’t rant so much on how my day went, and asked him how his was.
The truth is I wish I
was there for him, as much as he was there for me.
The truth is even
though I continuously wished he stopped caring as much as he
did; there was a
part of me that wishes he would never stop.
The truth is I wish I
knew more about him.
The truth is I wish he
was still breathing.
The truth is I would
rather see him in a coma for the rest of my life, than to see him in a coffin.
The truth is as much
as I avoid the truth, he was the only person that made me feel loved.
The truth is that
sometimes, I wish that the friends who keep saying that it will be alright and
all that bullshit go through the exact thing as me.
The truth is there was
a time when I wished that all those people who think its okay, just went to
hell.
The truth is I think I
am close to clinical depression.
Fact is I am hitting
rock bottom.
Nick says “The only
way from escaping the torture of rock bottom is going up” and that is what I am
going to do.
To those
who have officially labeled me as the emo kid; to hell with you. I do
not need your opinion, thank you very much.
Planet Shakers
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
“I can’t find your heart;
cloudy amongst those worn out memories”
Planetshakers; a
Christian rock band.
Yes, I usually do not
speak about religion on my blog, but heck I am going to start to, so if you’re
not up to reading about my spiritual life, go ahead and read other posts. I
find it rather odd, that I’ve never written anything regarding my religion here
considering the fact that I am the daughter of a priest. Odd, isn’t it?
I went for this
Christian band’s concert and I believe I’ve heard of them but I doubt I’ve ever
listened to any of their songs. It was in PJEFC. They had a 7.30 show and due
to the fact that 1,800 people RSVP’d for it and there were only 1,300 seats
available, they decided to have a 4pm show too. I went for the 4pm show, and a
good 600-800 people came, mostly youth. It would be rather astonishing seeing a
group of old older people
rocking out to this genre of Christian music, since y’know they’re always so
‘traditional’. The show was supposed to start at 4pm, but the doors only opened
at around 4.45pm. Rebekah and I arrived at the hall at around 3.50pm, so it was
a rather long wait. It was only the 2 of us out of the youths in my church, so
it was a little boring until we bumped into Rebekah’s cousin. She was part of
the organizing committee, so we learnt that they were having a technical error.
At around 4.25pm, we heard the band play inside the hall, naturally everyone
was thinking “okay, so the technical error is over. Shouldn’t they be opening
the doors?”Whilst I was thinking “Why in the world are they only practicing
now?!”
I soon began to
realize that the ground was vibrating; it was a scary yet exciting realization.
Hence my tweet, “Planetshakers rock so hard that the building is vibrating, and
we’re not even inside yet”. My first thought was, “Oh shit, the floor’s
vibrating. We’re going to die” but that didn’t happen.
We were let in and
they had a countdown to when the Planetshakers were going to start rocking,
although it was about 45 seconds, it felt like eternity. Screams filled the
auditorium as the band picked up their instruments and greeted us. At the
beginning of the first song, most of us were jumping and rocking out in our
seats, I doubt we were even in the middle of the first song when nearly everyone
ran to the front of the stage. Rebekah and I remained jumping in front of our
seats, and only after 3 songs we joined the crowd. It was an experience that I
probably won’t forget in the near future; rocking out to Christian music, more
of rocking out to Planetshakers.
Matt Fielder was the
guest speaker of this concert and let me tell you he is probably the best
speaker I’ve ever heard. Ever.
“Going to church every Sunday,
does not make you a christian, just like how sitting in your garage, does not
make you a car”
It was during his sermon
that I soon realized how much I’ve drifted away from God and how much I lack
belief lately. His talk nearly made me cry. I did notice a few people cry…
Anyway, one of the
things that hit all of us was when he said that “Every human has 2 needs, the
need to love and to be loved”. I admit, it’s true.
As he ended he made us
all bow our heads and close our eyes to pray, and later he asked us to stay
like that and he requested for the people who would like to let God into your
heart no matter if it’s the first time or if you’ve drifted away and you need
some help coming back to Him, to slowly raise your hand. I contemplated with
myself whether I should or not, and then I thought “Why in the world do I care,
if I’m the only one raising my hand?” and I raised my hand. I later noticed
that Rebekah did too. Matt then asked us to put our hands down and he asked all
of us to stand up to pray, we prayed a short prayer and then he asked the
people who raised their hand to go to the front, if they had the courage. At
first only 5 people went forward, Rebekah and I joined in and later as he kept
requesting about 30 more came forward. The band played a song and as they were
playing even more came forward. (After following him on Twitter, he said that a
total of 96 people came forward)
He said this pray and
got us to repeat after him, so we did so and then the band played a few more
songs as the ones who came forward were led into a room outside the auditorium
to fill up a form, I have no idea why. By the time, we got back the concert was
over, but I don’t think any of us regretted that decision. I bought a
Planetshakers t-shirt :D
As we exited I bumped
into Celine Yap, so I reached out to hug her, but there were many people
between us, so it was a lost cause. I also saw Benroy Yap as we were waiting
around, he seemed to be quite ‘sesated’ and he was walking pretty fast, looking
for Celine, I think, so I just left him alone. Rebekah and I went outside and
sat on the curb waiting for her dad, and that’s when out of nowhere some perky
voice shouted my name. I looked up and saw Hui Wei and Amanda. It was a
pleasant surprise, I later say Jackson and Mel.
It’s pretty obvious,
that Planetshakers isn’t as unknown as I thought.
So tomorrow, Rebekah
and I are going for their Praise and Worship at Kingdom City, KL.
Enjoy the pictures and videos :)
-12:33 am, Sunday
morning.
Carpe Diem and Press On
Seen guys do bubble pop?
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
These dudes are on fire! :) love em to itty bitty pieces :D
KARA - STEP (COLLAB DANCE COVER) iiamxmee & cloudstrife718
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
Colin... dangerous grounds man....
The Unexpected
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
“We
took the joys beside the pain, with not much to lose but so much to gain”
A lesson I learnt
today is to never judge a book by its
cover. Today was rather sore, Jia
Yi talked to me and she was saying how hurt she was and the fact that a certain
friend of hers seemed to be a stranger. It isn’t the friend you think it is.
Surprisingly, I
realized that if she hadn’t told me I would have just continued to think that
there was nothing wrong with their friendship, and just let her be. I felt so
sorry for her; she almost cried telling me about this void that her friend left
in her. Just then, I realized that I was going through the same thing. So in my
attempt to make her laugh, I told her that I’m experiencing that with 3 people
and then she ‘Woah-ed’ and we high fived. I said that I felt like my friendship
with those specific people was like a love story, the one where only 1 of the 2
was missing the other. She laughed and high fived me… again.
I saw a side of Jia Yi
that I never knew existed. I think we talked for what seemed like an hour or
more. We started laughing at the fact that if someone was crying, I would feel
so awkward that I would just sit or stand there like some kind of lamp post.
Then she asked me an
odd question “What do you see in Chinese people? I don’t see you hang around
with Indians often.”
My reaction was . . .
“I don’t know. I hang around with everyone.”
But really, I knew
why. I’m not trying to say anything about Indians, because not only Indians do
it.
I never liked hanging
around people who speak in their own language just so they can say something to
one of their friends without you knowing what it is. I have been in positions
when I would be loafing in a group of Indians or Chinese people and all of a
sudden they would start speaking and laughing with each other in Tamil or
Cantonese, assuming that I didn’t understand what they were saying. It was one
of my sore points in Titanium, and my childhood.
The annoying part was
sometimes they would be talking about me. I remember pretending to not
understand just so they would continue talking and once I was bored with them I
would go to my other friends.
I specifically
remember this one time, during a dance camp that my friends forced me into
going for. There was this group of Chinese friends we made, and during one of
the breaks between rehearsals, they started talking about me in Cantonese. One
of the girls in the group that had started the entire gossip session was one of
these girls that I later realized just wanted to fit in. After about an hour of
pretending that I didn’t understand their gossip about me and just starring at
the tiles on the floor, I stood up and started talking to them in Cantonese
saying that if they thought all this while, I never understood what they were
saying, they were wrong. I told them how I understood everything they were
saying and put up with their gossip for the past 5 days and that I couldn’t
take it anymore. I can never forget the look on their faces. I haven’t spoken
to most of them since. I occasionally go out with the ones that later
apologized, the ones that apologized were the ones that didn’t say anything…
they just listened, so it was easy to forgive them.
This has happened with
Indians speaking in Tamil. Only I never could speak in Tamil, so I just sent
them colorful words in English. Good ol’ English.
Those were the days when my Cantonese was
fluent. Now, I’ve practically
forgotten most of it. Yet, people seem to forget that.
Jia Yi said that her
friend continuously seemed to forget that she was there and would constantly
speak to her other friends in her mother tongue knowing that Jia Yi didn’t
understand. She asked me if I’ve gone through such a thing…
I nodded then told her
about a recent incident. There was a day when I was sitting in one of the empty
classrooms with a few friends and one of them, I guess you could say we were
somewhat close started to speak to a few others in Cantonese or Mandarin, I
don’t remember which one it was. I found it funny that she forgot I understood
what she was saying, so later when she was telling me how one of the other
girls there did something, I told her that I knew. She asked how? Then I told
her that I heard her telling the others in Cantonese. Her expression changed,
not only was there embarrassment but there was a slight hint of what I like to
call “How could I be so stupid?”
Those moments are
priceless.
Carpe Diem and Press On
The Missing Machine
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
There's a folder of pictures I can't open.
There's so many songs that don't sound the same.
There's a number I can't dial and a message I can't send.
There's a restaurant I can't eat at, not with any friends.
There's words and names I can only say in my head.
There's a pair of eyes that belong to you, that I can never look into again.
Nick & Colin
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
Ahhhh! Meet my cousins... dance geniuses.They so cute here... homagad I just want to bite them.EEeeeeee
I am Me
20111028 @ Friday, October 28, 2011
Every day as long as the sun shines,
The same question rings into everybody's head's,
'Who am I?'
Am I the instigator of a thousand fists?
Or the judge between a couple of fits?
Whatever it is, I know I'm not driven to the pits,
I'm not the floor upon which someone spits,
I became me the day I was born,
Yet I forgot that day and I was torn,
Torn in between my identity and I,
But with hope,
As I saw,
My left and right arms were formed,
It took me pain,
Pain to find the thing in which brought me fame,
Through all the broken hearts and shame,
I pulled through and that pain became,
What I have become.
And that thing was dance,
I am me, because I dance.
A Snippet
Friday, October 28, 2011
The more I learn about relationships and love, the more convinced I am that I will never experience either. I don’t see myself having that kind of bond with anyone, and I’m far too wary to give myself to someone like that. I’ve seen heartbreak too many times to ever want to make myself vulnerable to it, and for a long, long time, I have not believed in ‘forever’. It’s a stupid word, an impossible concept, and a humungous mistake of a promise to make.
I’ve seen how careless people can be in relationships – rebounds, two-week relationships, two-day relationships, I’ve seen them all. At least one side ends up getting hurt, always. I’m convinced that there really isn’t any such thing as an amiable break up. It may look it from the outside, but I’ve had to console miserable friends behind the scenes. Relationships seem to be nothing but a one-way ticket to doom, however much you enjoy the ride.
I guess that’s what some people say, that the ride makes it all worth it. Does it really, though? Could anything really make up for your being absolutely miserable at the end of it for an indefinite amount of time? Would it help with the healing? Remember this: you wouldn’t be feeling that way if you hadn’t gotten into the relationship in the first place. Sure, you gained a lot of stuff along the way, but how valuable are those experiences?
Maybe I’m just saying this because I don’t know what I’m missing. Right now, I think I just want to remain blissfully ignorant for as long as I can. Relationships seem to be an addiction for some people – they crave affection and intimacy, having someone they can hold and call their own. I don’t. You can’t miss what you never had, I guess. The more I learn, the more I think I’ll never have that, and it makes me feel secure and sad at the same time.
What is love, really? Is love in the romantic sense really a necessity in our lives?
AA snippet from Hui Jan's blog. The thought is mutual.
Words In Pictures
Friday, October 28, 2011
