I was forced to cry, so that Rynn could take these pictures. Boedoh punya budak.

Labels: Photographic Evidence

This was the first Titanium shirt, we ever had :)
Alexis's drawing, was very the cacated.

Labels: Photographic Evidence

Labels: Photographic Evidence

 Lately I've been so optimistic (compared to how I was before), and I've been taking things so positively. Until last night. Who am I, anyway? I don't matter to anyone. Maybe I can be a good companion, but I don't see myself as someone other people would miss when I'm gone. I guess it's just me. I hope it's just me.


And you know what would hurt most? When someone dies unexpectedly. Heart attacks, car accidents and all that.

This life that I got from you
I have not yet sown it..

I read a lot of blogs, its like an addiction. Mostly the dark ones, which talk of love..unrequited love, love shared and lost, love losing its sheen
But this is not about those blogs, but is about the strange disconnect I feel when I read such blogs.Where people talk about that one bright star, that one person they loved and lost..its this disconnect which attracts me to such blogs I guess

And I am left thinking about myself.
When I close my eyes, there isn't that ONE face which comes to my mind, there is no one love which torments me day and night
Why isn't there a name which whispers in my ears..sweet nothings?
I feel little belittled, I feel envious of those people who have that fire in their hearts to love someone

And I feel the burden of not having loved enough to have a hole in the heart which does not heal...
Am I stoic? Hard heart-ed? Frivolous?

I have never had an intense longing in my heart for someone for a long time...
When I had, it was as intense as intense can be, but when I lost it..I never looked back

But I have loved, I have loved as love is meant to be..with every atom of my being
In each of you whom I love, I have loved myself even more fiercely
You, the ones I loved, are the testimony of all my notions of love

Maybe I have loved those frozen moments
And longed for those moments to keep appearing in my life, in succession like a chain of beginnings, with the same person, again and again

But beginnings end, and end happens

Sometimes I feel I could replace all my days and night, for that edgy heady feeling, which never lasts

But yes I have loved you, you who pulled me away from my mundane life..

You are that flicker of romance, I saw on beaches
And always imaged and wished for
And you fulfilled my prophecy
Of living a romance, as wild as ours

And you, who lifted me up and I was always aware of the lurking desire in you to pull me down
You were the deepest and darkest of my nightmares
you are all that torments me
you are all that takes it away

You, who was always telling me what I was,who tried deciphering me like an ancient scripture, things I never saw in myself, you saw
In you I saw the mystery that's me
A glimpse of it, scared I was
but I loved myself even more

I remember you too, for those small bouts of mirth and days laden with sweet talks

I can smell wine, when I see you from afar
The beauty of alcohol and inebriation
Is what you bring back to me

You were the one with whom I could drop my head and say, I dont want to be strong anymore
all that the world gives me
I offload it to you..you take away all of it
And I can see my pain dissipating in the air..
As my words fill you..and your lips touch mine


How could I forget you, who remembers me as his own ?

You were that painter who drew me in details
From arch of my heels to the mole on my finger
Sometimes I believe I existed more in your sketch and detailing of me
Than outside of it

Yes, I have loved

I have not loved to fill in the blanks of my life
I have loved cos you deserved it, and so did I

I too have lost myself for a while, broken and battered
I too have gone around the circles, but eventually I have found my center, within me

But how could I let any of you break me,
When I loved you with the very spirit thats me?
This spirit in me, which existed before you happened
And continues to live inside me?

I wonder if there is too much of life in my veins,
An overpowering tide
Which crushes and surpasses all of you and me too

Love is a curse, only if you let it be

I wake up with a wish to see new places, to read great books,
watch good movies and party hard

I tried being melancholic, to ascertain that I have been hurt and wronged
That I have loved and lost,
Thinking all these are the sure shot signs of being an elegant woman

But one Friday night and hopes of a rocking weekend takes its toll
And I am again wanting to be a part of the world

I am the world


Its time to live the moderates now

And the phoenix resurrects



The whole day I weave romance
The whole night I roam around like vagabond
My heart neither wants sympathy, nor a series of faithfulness 

Nobody knows the real me. Nobody knows how many times I’ve sat in my room and cried, how many times I’ve lost hope, how many times I’ve been let down. Nobody knows how many times I’ve had to hold back the tears, how many times I’ve felt like I’m about to snap but don’t just for the sake of others. Nobody knows the thoughts that go through my head whenever I’m sad, how horrible they truly are. Nobody knows me, and thats what I hate the most.

I know there really is no point in me wishing you on your birthday, since you won't see it.
I know there's  no point in me, trying to explain these things because you're no there to try to understand it.
Anyway, if not for you then I'm doing this for me.
Happy Birthday Nick! :)
I know I'm only blogging about this 6 days later, but I have legit reasons.

I've convinced myself that you're still around even though the painful memory of you still lingers, the fact that you're not here anymore. Why'd you go?

I remember those times when I would yell at you and ignore you because you did the most stupidest things. I can't do that anymore. although you have done THE MOST STUPIDEST THING IN YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.
We could have gotten through it, you know. You would have gotten better. 
Yet you still chose not to. The thing that really got to all of us , meaning Titanium, your dear dear girlfriend, Lynn, Victor....etc  the people you were close to was the fact that you CHOSE to, you fuuking chose to and to add to the depression you've left us with, not one person knew how much you were hurting inside.


You were the second most annoying 'brother' I have, even though the most annoying one is still that little brat walking around here somewhere.


Fact is, I still haven't accepted the fact your gone. Saying that on my blog is very risky. This whole post is risky, knowing that once it's posted, people will ask questions, and they will start treating me as if I'm depressed.
Is that a good or bad thing? I have no idea.


I'm going to go watch Titanium feature in some video. Then 'we've' got a photoshoot. So this post shall be continued. . . eventually.

"Never say goodbye, because saying goddbye means going away and going away means forgetting"
-NCY

All I wanted is the truth of what this was all about. You could never give me that. I asked in every way I could muster and still nothing. I have nothing from you but pain and emptiness. There's not even anything to write about anymore. You killed everything with your noble silence. You wouldn't even share your crayons. "All I have is what I don't"...the truth.

dcapriciousme: Your Craziness is My Reality: Last week we were given one assignment for which we were supposed to do a research on all famous photojournalists. Pick one out of their b...

I do not fully understand this right now. At first I believed it was not written for me. But then I realized that it is meant for me. For me to write down and store away for now, then when I do need it, your words will be waiting for me and will bring light back into my life. I love you, thank you for you.

If you're tired of trying to fall asleep, sleep on it and try again tomorrow.

If you're all out of promises, I have one left for you: The Earth is still here as long as you're alive.

If you want to yell out your frustrations, I'll understand, just understand that the whole world is screaming, mostly complaining about the noise.

If you're worried about having the poetry knocked out of you of you when you're older, don't. Old blood bleeds as good as new.

If you've got nothing left to feel, just pay the bill and walk away.

If there's anything else, let me know.

For some reason, I've a very heavy heart now.

I could really use a long silent hug.
Sighs.

The girl you just called fat? Shes at home overdosing on diet pills. The girl you just called ugly? She spends hours putting makeup on, hoping people will like her. The boy you just tripped? He is abused enough at home. See that man with the ugly scars? He fought for our country. That guy you just made fun of for crying? His mother is dying. Put this on your status for an hour if you are against bullying. You never know what it's like until you walk a mile in their shoes.

May I see the things in front of me as they are, not as I think them to be.

When I console my best friends, I’m like:

“Im going to sleep as soon as I get home”

When I get home:

:

Expectations:

Reality:

I'm sitting here trying to persuade myself that you're in the same room

And I wish you could give me the cold shoulder
And I wish you could still give me a hard time
And I wish I could still wish it was over
But even wishing is a waste of time




Reality still hasn't set in yet. 
The fact that you're gone.
I can say it with a smile on my face.
I can tell everyone that you're dead, and laugh about it.
Only cause the only person who hasn't accepted the fact that you're gone,
Is me.

" When someone is in your heart, they're never truly gone.They can come back to you, even at unlikely times "

       -Victor Kim

I meet new people and they ask my name:

In the crowded corridors of school:

Friends bitching behind my back:

Some idiot who I hate pisses me off:

Excuse for not doing my homework: 

Singing in choir (trying to reach the high notes) : 

Partying in the back of class:

 It’s not I wish I had the guts to kill myself. That would be selfish. I’ve actually made a mark on some people’s lives and I couldn’t do that to them. It’s that I wish I never existed. A few people think I’ve impacted on their lives but that’s bullshit. Even though they would be sad if I died, I’m addicted to self pity and my stupid moods and actions affect them. It would have been better if they just never met me.

Labels: reblo

at first your just staring at the screen waiting for it to load like

then your start getting impatient

and pissed

 

and irritated

and then you finally snap 

then it finally loads and your like

and then you click on something else and the cycle repeats

It’s like your mind is telling you, “You’ve suffered enough, it’s time to shut down for a bit

Last Week :

This week:

And maybe I'll sleep at the station because there's nothing to go home to but an empty fridge and some stale mayonnaise.

And maybe I'll make friends with the guys sleeping under cardboard boxes and newspapers and we'll discuss what it means to love and to live.

And maybe I'll wander the city, one lost particle in a dust storm of Mondays, late nights and reports due yesterday.

And maybe I'll get on a plane or a ship and get lost in places I've never been lost in before.

And maybe I'll keep my phone on me in case you call. And tell me there's something to come home to.

Don't be shy. You can take another piece of me. Everyone else already has.

Until there's nothing left. Until I disappear

Dear Diary,

Today I let the mask slip just a little and all the villains come flooding in.

While I don't expect you, as a book filled with lines, to understand my predicament, understand that I will be home late tonight. There will be blood on my costume. And the dishes will have to wait.

You will not save the Earth, gunning down aliens from the back of your Hummer.

You will not save the Earth, smashing zombies in the face with a spade.

You will not save the Earth, standing on a burning car (your fist in the air).

You will not save the Earth by deciding which wire to cut (red/blue) at the last second.

You will save the Earth when you decide to start picking up your shit.

You will save the Earth when you decide to start picking up your shit on the beaches.

You will save the Earth when you decide to start picking up your shit in the fields and in the streets.

You will save the Earth when you decide to start picking up your shit in the hills.
And we shall never surrender.

You asked why people always expected you to smile in photographs. And I told you it was because they hoped that in the future, there would be something to smile about.

You say that the way I feel, it's all just chemicals in my brain.

It's all just strange air in my atmosphere.

It's all just new colours in my rivers.

But you are my industry.

You are my factory.

You are my smoke stacks.

You are my production line.

You are my cheap sneakers.

You are my fast food.

And I'm a planet you once called home.

That's nearly out of air.

A dedication to all SPM and PMR sitters :)

That awkward moment when you can’t remember what you were going to do but you do remember you were going to do something.

I know you well enough to know you'll forgive me, I hope you know it's so. 
I know you well enough to know that you'll never put everything on the table because everything you could have is everything you are so scared of losing. 
And I know you well enough to know that we don't need to say anything to put it on the table because your eyes and your arms and your smile say everything you've ever thought and everything we've always known.

You will forgive me, I hope you don't mind me saying, I just wanted to add, if you've got time and I've said it before and I'll say it again, because you should know, before we go any further, we should put everything on the table because the reality is and the truth is and the fact of the matter is, I shouldn't interrupt but I was wondering and if you know, please tell me, how we manage to say so much, without saying anything at all.