Can’t Go Back
20110525 @ Wednesday, May 25, 2011
There's something extremely humbling about watching how simple it is to please a kid. Just pocketing a golf ball and getting a high five for it is enough to get a lovely grin out of them. Don't even get me started on when they actually won something as simple as stickers. Childhood, that's simplicity. All those people that give their kids iPhones and whatever gadget is cool these days, have got it all wrong. All a kid needs are stickers and bubbles.
-Meeleo
Anything you write after I am is simply a concept. So choose what comes after it carefully.
I am successful. I am fulfilled. I am an astronaut. I am amazing. I am late. I am in trouble. I am enlightened. I am yours. Etc.
For weeks ,I was devoted to I am sad. I am wrong. I am incomplete. I am not fully expressed. And while none of those things are true unless I believe them to be, my resistance to being love only brought more pain and lethargy.
Finally, with a little help from my friends, classical music, cleansing, exercise, acceptance, and lots of prayer, that which shifts all thoughts back to love, I can finally say I’m on a much clearer path to health and happiness.
I am healthy.
I am happiness.
I am alive.
I am.
Im not afraid to let go anymore. If it looks to others like I did something wrong, made bad choices, acted selfishly, or fearful, then so what. I can say, to you I am wrong. I am selfish. etc. Big deal. Stick and stones may break my bones but I choose not to give those thoughts a home. When I am sad I will simply be grateful for the sadness as it is a gift, a miracle in fact, to experience this powerful emotion, trusting the pendulum swings both ways; embracing all of life in it's awkward perfection. I would never tattoo ‘I am sad’ on my body so why would I dwell on it in the mind? I am awesome, however, will make a great tattoo.
Cause I know, I am the definition of awesome…
Chehh. J
Hmmmm……
Stars, Nick’s brother…… Ahhh ‘whatshisname’ my memory has been failing me lately. Damn.
Took a picture of the stars in Korea, and sent it to us
It was a stupid move really. Cause we couldn’t see anything, till we put it in some software that Titanium’s computer had.
It was sooo…… fascinating. It got us thinking, about how small we really are. I don’t know if you remember this movie,
Can’t really remember the title but it’s something like Hornet or something… with the elephant and the speck?
I got it!
Horton hears a Who
Something like that. It humbles one to know that no matter what, how great you think you are…
Your still a speck. A small little speck, that can be squished like this…
Do you feel the pain?
Here’s an idea you can try to remind you how magnificent and accessible the universe is. Next time you’re stargazing, lie flat on your back so you feel physically stuck to the earth at length. Now instead of imagining you’re looking UP at the stars, remember you’re really looking OUT at them. Aren’t we indeed simply stuck to the side of the planet anyway? When you look at a picture of earth, we’re not necessarily on top of it. Nope. We’re just stuck to the side of it; all of us just dangling out here on our sides of the rock. Lucky for us there IS gravity to keep us safe here. Gravity is like the yellow line they ask we stand behind when the roller coaster is about to pull into the station. Or it’s the fence that keeps us from peering too far over the edge of the great canyon. Gravity is our seat belt protecting us from oblivion. Also, when you’re lying there looking out. Look down towards your feet and up past the top of your head and experience the great height at which we’re floating. It’s pretty far out.
this change of direction in your thinking will make you feel different about the linear surface of the earth, that which we often spend too many hours defending our egos, our political borders and the imaginary boundaries created to spend our funny monies, chasing celebrities and watching TV. Boo.
I learned to surf, juggle, play guitar, play basketball, skate as in Tony Hawk not ice skating…( can’t imagine myself in a leotard at this age, though I did take up ballet for a while ) and break dance comparatively early in my childhood (except the guitar part). I don't bother with "it's too late to learn that, i'll look silly." Be here now. What better time to give yourself a positive affirmation and start having fun.
With so many recent defeats in my day to day. i decided it's what the planet ruling Gods had in mind for me.
With so many recent defeats in my day to day. i decided it's what the planet ruling Gods had in mind for me.
Damn, I sound mature. Perasan jap J
We got some exam results back.
39/40 for English 1 (1 ducking mark man… eeeeeeee)
29/40 for Pemahaman
28/40 for Math 1
14/60 for Math 2 (die. Fail.) <- Whole damn class failed maths….whipeeee
And yeah 58/75 for moral.
Oh… and my latest ‘achievement’ 28/60 for Sejarah
Zzzzzz………
No Comment.
My hair smells goooodddd…
-inhales-
Ahhhhh.
It’s funny how today, Cynta and me were euphemizing, and all of a sudden the very person we were talking about pops out of nowhere. I swear, Cynta would have started crying if it were’nt for our ‘keep serious face’ thing . XD
People say I’m emo. Yeah meh? No larrr, headache tahap dewa jerr……
I really need to eradicate all the ‘emo-ness’ I have on my blog. I’m not emo, I just think in a sad way. Like Eyore.
Even though he’s cute, I need to stop being Eyore. Mum is started calling me Eyore.
Dotdotdot
20110520 @ Friday, May 20, 2011
Dear whoever is reading this, I understand how rough things are right now. I just want to let you know that things will get better, I promise. Keep holding on just a little bit longer. I know you feel like nobody really cares. You’re wrong, stop denying it. I care, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this. You’re not alone, we may be miles away but we’re all going through the same things. Please keep holding on.
The Universe Ended As I Watched
20110516 @ Monday, May 16, 2011
There's no noise out here.
Unless you listen closely, in which case, you can still hear the echoes of the first word.
There's no reason to be afraid of shadows.
Unless you've seen where they keep them.
There's no mystery in your blood.
Unless you remember your minerals and metals all come from the ghosts of distant stars.
But other than that, nothing.
You Made The Best Of Everything
20110515 @ Sunday, May 15, 2011
As you know, recently I've been fairly down....
I was sitting on one of the couches at the studio after work.
We finally finished one song with mere perfection. 5 more to go.
Nothing is perfect, but it was close to perfect.
You guys just need to get your timing straight :)
I was being a couch potatoe and reading through all my messages.
When I came across a message from Henry.
He asked me to watch a movie, I realized then that I never got to watch it.
So I shouted at Nick and Mel across the room, and they went off and bought it.
During the duration they were gone ( It was a REALLY LONG time... God knows what they were doing)
Hirai, Benroy and me got some popcorn and pulled out the crates of coke, marshmallows and some hot chocolate then we ordered pizza.
Soon enough they were back...
After everyone showered and washed up.
We sat in front of the tele and put the movie in.
It was then that I noticed, everyone started to tear up, all the girls anyway.
I didn't mention the fact that my ex classmates from NZ had all flown down. So they were with us at the studio whilst we watched the movie.
It was the only movie that everyone was really quiet, other than the sound of sniffles and teeth crunching into popcorn.
It was a movie about how this kid, was diagnosed with cancer and even though through all the kemo and things, he danced. He danced to inspire. This kid, Tyler was only 8. And he would write a letter everyday and put it in his mailbox addressed to God.
A very touching movie.
At the end of the movie, I looked at everyone. Everyone was crying..even Nick, Benroy, Rynn and all them macho guys. Then I looked at Mel. Mel knew Henry but they were'nt really close. She smiled at me through her tears. At first I didnt know why...
Then I realized why. I was crying. The 2nd time I've cried in my whole entire life.
But it was only like what 7 tears ?
Still, I cried.
It would be an understatement to say that Henry meant something to me.
Henry meant a lot to me. He was, the bestest friend you could have.
We knew each other since we were in diapers.
It's funny how I always thought that I should have died first.
He was always the badass yet not badass kind of a person. I was always the Badass person . fullstop.
I used to think about him everyday, some of you would say that I love him. I don't.
He was just a brother to me. Like Nick, only a kazillion times better :) sorry nick.
He was the first person, I knew as friend.
He knew what I was, before I knew what I was.
When he got cancer, it was like my whole world came crashing down. Then it got better, and then he started to get Leukimia and some other fuckery.
We were all there when he said goodbye (he didn't actually say goodbye)
I flew to New Zealand over the weekend of our March test.
That look on his face, it looked as if he would have given up fighting a long time ago.
He took in a deep breathe and closed his eyes and he was gone.
The hardest part of it was, the memories that flashed before all of us.
His parents were devastated, everyone started crying their eyeballs out, except me.
I just stared at him. He wasn't dead. He couldn't be.
Then I left. All the commotion that was going on, was too much to take in.
Soon enough people started to realize I was gone, a million texts and calls came in but I never answered any of them. I went to the only place I could think of. The bridge.
In New Zealand, my house had a lake behind it. It was a public lake of course but there was this one place no one went. Supposedly haunted. In that part place, it was a little forest like but it wasn't that far out. There was this half built or was half broken bridge, when we were kids all of us used to hang out there. The bridge was over this stream that led to the lake. We'd always get pushed into it.
I sat there and started throwing pebbles into the water.
Nick, Benroy and Rynn came yet no one said anything. Everyone was just silent with me destroying the silence with the pebble throwing.
At last, benroy being benroy started to make us all laugh. Attempts that didn't work for a few hours.
I laughed. fakely. Just to satisfy them.
It was hard, loosing someone. to cancer.
Even more with the fact that I lost my Grandmum to cancer on my birthday last year.
I didn't say anything to anyone for the 2 following days. Just needed to get my head straight. The first I actually said to someone after all that was Cancer is such fuckery.
Cancer is fuckery.  |
| Henry and his siblings |
You showed me love even in so much pain.
So I'll take this life and live like I was given another try.
:)
sayonara,
M .
-drunken words are sober thoughts-
Labels belong on jars, not people.
20110511 @ Wednesday, May 11, 2011
I remember the doctor who told me I was schizophrenic and psychopathic. When someone labels you with that type of disease, it's like blowing smoke in your face—it's like being at Bridgewater in the 1960s. Everyone stops listening to you.
Now everyone in my family thinks I'm schizophrenic. It doesn't matter what I say or do; they think that because I got labeled with that. The label makes people pigeon-hole you. I went to the social security office and they asked what was wrong with me, and my mother said, "He's schizophrenic." At least three people turned around to look at me.
The word brings to mind sociopaths who kill people. There's a Garbage Pail sticker called "Schizo Fran" that shows a girl with two halves of herself beating each other up. That's another misconception, as though it's some kind of freaky split personality. I don't know much about the definition of the disease, but I'm not sure anyone really knows what the word means. Wikipedia says "Schizophrenia is a mental disorder characterized by abnormalities in the perception or expression of reality. It most commonly manifests as auditory hallucinations, paranoid or bizarre delusions, or disorganized speech and thinking with significant social or occupational dysfunction."
A diagnosis like that can ruin a person's life, but it hasn't ruined mine. If you recognize your own delusions, are you still delusional? That's why the labels don't bother me. They become less demeaning and less damaging to my psyche. I don't believe the diagnosis; I think it's a made up word. My reaction to the diagnosis? I laughed. I can admit that my delusions of being manipulated by people who aren't there are false. I know now that I'm safe, and that I've had thoughts that weren't 100% accurate. But I think doctors feed off a person's confusion; they like to make you feel sicker than you are and there's no reassurance or therapy in the system. People think that mental patients did drugs and that's why they are the way they are, when in fact they're fed drugs daily. Some make them sicker, some cause pain. Nobody knows the exact science of someone else's brain.
So I will not become my label, a word that means nothing to me. I shouldn't be judged or stigmatized or criticized. The fact is, it's a confusing world for everyone at some point or other. If you don't do things in a conventional manner, then you're labeled crazy—but maybe you're an artist.
I'm recovering from many years in the system. They make you feel unimportant and like you're like nothing when you're in the system. I stumbled away into group homes where they're a little more caring. I know myself and I know the truth and that's all that matters. Who knows what did what, when you're thrown on every new medication that comes out. I don't know what to credit my getting better to—drugs or myself. But I know it's myself.
At the same time, the word never leaves you. It comes up in situations like job interviews. It's in my file. But then again, half the people in federal prisons in America are innocent. Maybe half the people with psychiatric diagnoses don't really have them.
. There's a Monty Python skit where someone is talking to a crowd of people, saying "We are all individuals!" And one guy in the audience says, "I'm not." Not to ruin the joke, but the point is, what does it even mean NOT to be an individual?
Labels belong on jars, not people.
sayonara,
M .
-drunken words are sober thoughts-
Everyday We’ll Never Turn Away
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
A dedication to Ade Watson :
Breaking through the darkness I see no light,
I'm in a dark mysterious night.
In the corner of the room,
My tears no longer can be consumed.
I walk over to a little shining star,
What is it? It seems very far.
Closer I walked to the star,
Then I stop, it's the head lights of a car.
The car comes and goes through me,
It flips and tumbles and hits a big tree.
Soon other cars were there,
The lights from them looked like a fair.
They pull two bodies from the car,
I see one of them, it was my star.
I followed it to a small room,
And I enter it I hear a familiar tune.
There's a small little bed with a small child,
As the doctor left I waited a while.
I approached slowly and I saw,
My good friend lying there looking so dead.
I collapsed in agony and cried,
I told her don't you dare die!
But too late. She grew pale and was gone.
But she went inside of me.
And through her friends,
She said to us, I'll be with you till the end.
You said that no one ever wrote you a poem. Well there it is, I sat up all night writing it, watching you. Yes, I wrote this while you were in the hospital, but I tweeked the ending after ….you took your last breath.
I'm sorry, I didn't give it to you when I had the chance.
My mind is all mindraped from everything. You're a douche, you know that?
You come all the way here with them people from New Zealand just because you guys heard that I was in hospital.
I remember how you were on the phone with me, screaming at me for not wanting to be admitted, even though you knew the reasons.
I blame myself. It hurts knowing that you came here cause you cared and that your leaving soulless…. TT.
The sound of you screaming and the car crash has been tattooed in my brain. The images of the car crashing before my eyes…
I'm just…
I'm sorry.
Ade is the blondey…. The brunette is Adele, her sister. This picture was taken by me, on Skype. :) |
Thinking whether I should just get my ass into the hospital….just for you. Thank you for being my friend, it's sad how people don't seem to say that enough.
Life isn't about the breaths we take, it's about the moments that take our breath away. - Ade Watson |
sayonara,
M .
-drunken words are sober thoughts-
JUSTIN BIEBER IS EVERYWHERE
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Dominic a close friend of mine. Famous for his dancing.... made this video :) it cheered me up, thanks man.
P/S : you might have seen him in some Nigahiga videos
What Are Words ?
20110510 @ Tuesday, May 10, 2011
People will never stop judging.
No matter what, there will never be a time when people stop judging….
My opinion? It really doesn't matter what people think or say. You are who you are, and if that means that no one understands you then so be it.
It's ironic really. I was with Titanium, and we were just you know, talking?
Rynn, a guy from Titanium. He's half Japanese or Korean….can't remember. We call him Hirai . J His name is Hirai Rynn. Don't know his family name.
Rynn said, that at his old school… in 'whatyoucallit….someplace' There was a girl, not a popular girl but not a loner either. A few weeks after Hirai met her, she told him that she had cancer. Hirai being the douche that he is, asked her Why she told him. The girl simply said, cause when I did…they started to judge me. And with that she walked away.
Hirai being Hirai, turned into some PI and did some digging.
The girl, he says he thinks her name is …..can't remember. Oh well…let's call her Couch. J
Hirai found out that Couch had brain cancer or was it lung cancer. Entahlah. But the thing that struck him was that she only had 2 more months to live. She refused medical help, only cause she didn't want to suffer.
These so called friends of hers, Stupid and Idiot thought that she just wanted more attention from everyone around her. Being Idiots, Stupid and Idiot told the whole school about it. The fact that Couch was an attention seeker or that she was just a liar.
So Hirai started hanging out with Couch, and eventually they became close friends….
Without realizing that time passed real quick, Couch started becoming weak and ….left. Hirai told the school, and when the principal announced it. Everyone was dumbstruck.
I have no idea why I typed that whole episode of Hirai's life. He didn't even say it all dramatically….. when he said it, it was more of
"So she got cancer lorrr, don't know what cancer….can't remember."
"Then she die larrr, stupid douche don wan to take medicine"
He mocks the way, one of the MC's at one of our dance competitions accent. Very uhhhmmm, Chinese. XD no offence, to those Chinese people out there. J
If he said it more dramatically, baru jerr (Y).
Aish. Moral of the story : Don't judge. You don't know what could be going on in someone else's life.
There was this thing I came across on one of our dancer's blog. She started a campaign, which a company bought over.
- See that boy doing his homework during homeroom?
He was too busy talking his friend out of suicide last night.
- See that girl with her face caked in make up?
She's bullied, and she needs to feel beautiful.
- See him the one who wears long sleeves everyday?
He covers his arms to hide the scars.
- See her with the cheap hand-me-down clothes?
Her family can't afford food for even half a month, what more brand names.
- See the girl who laughs at every little thing?
She's in pain everyday.
- Wonder why she doesn't invite her friends over to her house?
Because she's scared her friends will see her dad, passed out drunk on the floor…as always.
- See how the girl cringes at rape jokes?
She was raped.
- See the boy everyone goes to for advice?
He wishes someone would do the same for his.
- See the girl who never brings her lunch?
She's disgusted with her body.
- See the boy over there, with the dark circles under his eyes?
He has insomnia.
- See the girl who's against suicide?
She's lost many people to suicide.
- See that girl that laughs at every little thing?
She's trying to treasure every little thing before she dies.
- See the girl daydreaming?
She found out she's dying. She's wondering what she's lived for.
- See the boy biting his nails?
He has cancer and is wondering how much time he has left.
- See that boy reading all about 9/11 ?
His parents died on that day.
- See the girl, trying to keep a smile on everyone's face?
She's a psychopath and she feels that people will never realize what it's like to not be able to be happy.
- See her. With her phone all the time?
She's waiting for a call saying her sister was found after a kidnapping 4 years ago.
- See that girl, daydreaming?
She has schizophrenia.
- See the boy over there, with the droopy red eyes?
He found out his bestfriend is dying, and that she won't get any medical help.
What I'm asking you to do is….
This company pays a dollar to every person who adds his/ her own thing here (you can add as many as you want J ). So far, 1120 people have contributed. The money goes to a fund for something…. (I can't remember….it's for troubled kids and teens larr). It stops teenagers from commiting suicide too.
It's something like Operation Beautiful, but different.
All you have to do is copy and paste the list above, and add your own. The company tracks it all, so yeah.
It only takes you a minute to do this. A minute of your time, could save a life or bring someone else a little bit of comfort.
Come on, you won't die doing this.
sayonara,
M .
-drunken words are sober thoughts-
The Universe In It's World Of Nothingness
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
There's no noise out here.
Unless you listen closely, in which case, you can still hear the echoes of the first word.
There's no reason to be afraid of shadows.
Unless you've seen where they keep them.
There's no mystery in your blood.
Unless you remember your minerals and metals all come from the ghosts of distant stars.
But other than that, nothing.
Knowing...
20110508 @ Sunday, May 08, 2011
For me.
I lived to inspire.
I lived to fight.
I lived to actually I don't know what I have lived for....
I hope I have inspired.
Off The Pill - Weird People
Sunday, May 08, 2011
What's Behind Your Words?
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Paranoia
Sunday, May 08, 2011
Guess What? How you do anything is how you do everything.
I choose to write about this topic, paranoia - because it is something I am ready to let go of. Of course, I will continue to look 6 ways before crossing the street and safety is always third when I’m riding my bike while texting, but paranoia in the larger sense is no longer serving me. At it’s highest and most frightful state, I might create that my partner could leave me, or that I could fail at dance, or be in a car accident, etc. Allowing these kinds of toxic thoughts to dwell in my melon would only make them feel true after awhile and/or possibly manifest them into a sad reality. This I cannot and will not let happen. I trust by broadcasting and releasing any random thoughts safely and soundly into the universe, I will be held accountable by you, my community, and my friends; all versions of God in the here and now who hear me, have my back, and hum along to the same happy song as I.
I trust none of you will put a snake in my toilet. Maybe I’ll double check that one for a while. Just to be safe.
Sometimes...
20110501 @ Sunday, May 01, 2011
Sometimes it takes a true friend who was with you when something happened in the past, to let you know it's OK to finally let go.
Wise words from Yap Ban Ho. :)
My brudder with the cool twitter picture.
Anyway, got a comp coming up at around 9. It's going to be on TV. So Titanium decided to go on youtube, not really. But this guy put us on youtube. What happened to keeping on the low?.
Hmmmm.......
Teehee. Well, im already on youtube so big difference.
I swear, I will ignore the next person who tells me thay want to die.
Life goes up and down.
If your in a pile of shit, there's something called a mop.
If you want to die so much, go ahead.
I'm not giving a damn anymore. Go jump off a freaking building.
While you're here with all the cash and a family and with food on your table, yet your not grateful for all of that and you want to die. Has it ever crossed your mind, that there are people out there struggling to live? Without any food, lost theyre families, heck they dont have clothes or education.
Yalah, you two are BFFFFFFFFFL's kan? Aish. Then you lied. She got hurt, so your not close anymore....I don't get why you have go all emo freak cause of it.
Life these days. Sigh.
A friend was ignoring me the other day, a fellow Titanium guy. So Hirai asked me, why I seem like I'm not bothered. I said : Well, cause it's her problem if she wants to talk to me or not..... I just can't be bothered.
I mean, she ain't my only friend. Plus, its her choice.
#1 : I'm not the kind of person who kisses up to someone.
So much to do, so little time.
-Interact Assignments
-Homework
-Titanium stuff
-Guitar
-Exams
-PMR
- School life
- Survive
- Medicine
Amagad. I'm gonna lose my mind.
sayonara,
M .
-drunken words are sober thoughts-